If you’re new to Bachelor in Paradise, come on in while I explain the premise, the hot tub water is fine. Unlike The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise does not have one main character whom all the other contestants are pining for. Rather, this show starts with an odd number of rejected contestants from past seasons. These men and women go on dates and hang out at a beautiful beach house in Mexico while they attempt to make meaningful connections. Each episode a number of people get a date card. They then pick a partner to go on a date with them. The name of the game is to make a strong enough connection that someone will pick you to stick around for the next round of dates. Some weeks the women get the date cards so at the elimination ceremony the men hand out roses, other weeks it’s the opposite and it flip flops back and forth throughout the season. If you do not get picked at the rose ceremony you go home. New contestants are added throughout the season so you never know who is going to show up to ruin the budding relationships. At the end of the season the remaining couples win…nothing. They win nothing. But they do get a vacation in Mexico, an open bar, chance to meet someone new and the opportunity to entertain me.
Here are the highlights from the first two episodes (and live aftershow!) of Bachelor in Paradise with my gif reactions.
Stop. It’s wedding time
Last season ended with a proposal between two of the cast mates. This season began with their wedding. Lacy and Marcus are proof that you can find love in a hopeless place (thanks, Rihanna). The rejects from Juan Pablo and Andi’s seasons married in front of a small crowd of friends, family and this season’s partially dressed cast. Ah, romance. Lacy wore a dress that was reaching for beach casual, but fell short somewhere between the lace cutouts and beading. Then again, according to the bikinis featured in this episode, nothing says beachy like cutouts. The tan lines are going to be intense. After a brief ceremony conducted by none other than Chris Harrison, Marcus and Lacy walked off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I can’t wait to watch their kids on Bachelor 2046.
My reaction. (source)
Sister, sister
Ashley I. of the Kardashian cry face is back and this time she brought baggage; her sister. Yes, Ashley I. the notorious virgin from Chris Soules’ season brought her sister with her to Paradise. Some people have security blankets, she has a security sibling. As Ashley and Lauren said repeatedly, Lauren is the “sluttier” version of her. Yes, they both thought it was appropriate to call her a slut. I kinda hate this show. Lauren is beautiful like her sister, but without the crippling insecurity that makes Ashley so fascinating to watch and with a prejudice to anyone over the age of 29 which kinda made me hate her. Doesn’t Ashley have an ugly sister she could have brought?
Predictably the men were not sad about sisters showing up while the women complained that it wasn’t fair. So far it has mostly meant hearing slightly mean, but also helpful makeup advice between the two women and suddenly I was missing my sister. Guys, Bachelor in Paradise is a family show now! Not Surprisingly, Lauren and Ashley share the family gene for crying. Between the two of them there were enough tears to salt all of the house’s margarita glasses. I was enjoying the sister trope to a point when, in a twist only the geniuses at Bachelor could provide, Chris Harrison explained that if one sister gets picked by a man at the Rose Ceremony the other gets to stay as well. This is some sister wives level ish that makes me uncomfortable. I love this show.
My reaction. (source)
everybody loves jade
Proving that everyone loves the low maintenance girl next door who is also a former playboy model, Jade was the woman to woo in episode one. Nearly every man was acting like Ahab with Jade playing the part of his white whale. I guess that means you can call me Ishmael. I get it, Jade is beautiful, but also down to earth and approachable. She’s the result you wanted to get on the “What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?” quiz in Cosmopolitan magazine when you were 16.
The big contenders for Jade’s attention were Jared and Tanner, both from Kaitlyn’s just ended season. Unfortunately for Jared, Ashley I. claimed him early on and some things just aren’t worth the drama of dealing with that ball of crazy so when Jade got a date card she picked Tanner. Jade and Tanner seemed to hit it off at their dinner. They kissed and went for a quick dip in the river next to their table. Just in case you’re wondering, a quick dip in a river in Mexico is how you get Montezuma’s Revenge. That’s a souvenir no one wants to take home. Tanner expressed some concern over getting in the water during a lightening strike, but the pretty girl in her underwear outweighed his fear of death by electrocution.
Tanner happily gave his rose to Jade so they both live to see another week.
My reaction. (source)
everybody also loves jared
If Jade was the men’s pick for homecoming queen then Jared would have been the king all the women were bitter about her dancing with. While I still don’t understand the whole Jared thing (I’m pretty sure they filmed in Mexico so that he wouldn’t need to use his fake ID. He looks SO young) Kaitlyn adored him on her season and he quickly became the ace of spades in the game of Bachelor in Paradise. Everyone wants him.
Early in the episode, Ashley I. decided that Jared was the one for her, because she “liked his face.” She anxiously used her subpar flirting skills to tell him that if she were a princess she’d be Jasmine. Clearly she thought that line worked on anyone male and above the age of 12 because she felt like they had a good talk. So when she received the first date card saying to pick someone to “get dirty with” she worked up the nerve to ask him out and he begrudgingly said yes. They went mudding in Mexico which should be the name of a spa in Cabo. Ashley felt like their date was a huge success. Jared seemed less than enthused. I can’t wait to watch her meltdown when she realizes he’s just not that into her.
Once they got back to the beach house, Jared expressed some interest in a few of the other women (namely Tenley and Clare), which caused Ashley I. to go half Gone Girl. Jared better change the locks. Fortunately for the sisters, Jared operates out of fear and guilt so he gave Ashley (and consequently Lauren) his rose, so they all three live to see another tear inducing week.
My reaction. (source)
carly and kirk get hot and heavy
If last season is any clue, the couples who get together early in the season inevitably implode. Sadly, I think that’s where Carly and Kirk are headed. Kirk is the good looking nice guy that you probably don’t remember from Ali’s season of The Bachelorette circa 2010. I loved him and his dad’s creepy taxidermy basement on that year. I also loved Carly and her hilarious confessional commentary on Chris Soules’ season. Carly is the cruise ship singer with the apostrophe eyebrows. She got a brow makeover between seasons though so now they’re more like boldfaced parenthesis.
I kinda love these two together. Their flirting consists of teasing Carly about her tiny doll hands and Carly giving him “kiss me” eyes that Kirk totally doesn’t pick up on. They seem to be getting along great (Kirk gave her his rose) which means they should be nice and miserable by episode three. I can’t wait!
My reaction. (source)
birdlady gets some love
There’s only one cast member who Chris Harrison begged to be on Bachelor in Paradise and that person is Ashley S. Despite being sent home pretty early in Chris Soules’ season Ashley made a big impression. That’s because she’s completely insane. Yes, this is the Ashley who thought the Bachelor Mansion had an onion tree and went on a rampage during the zombie paintball date. So far in Paradise she has bonded with the local parrots and taken an ambulance to the emergency room for an undisclosed illness (*cough* too many tequila shots *cough*). Somehow her quirky personality is working for her though because she appears to have bagged Hugh Jackman lookalike Dan from Desiree’s season.
Dan heroically hopped in the ambulance with Ashley S. were they had what they kept calling their first “date.” They may have called it a date, but a trip to a Mexican emergency room is more commonly known as “spring break.” Later in the episode Ashley gave him her date card and they were kinda adorable on their dinner date. Dan gave her his rose so the parrot whisperer survives then first round of eliminations.
My reaction. (source)
Clare is back
At the end of episode one, Clare Crawley joined the cast, because they hadn’t reached their quota of beautiful blondes yet. Clare was the runner up on Juan Pablo’s season and pure entertainment on Bachelor in Paradise last year. At 33 years of age, she is one of those “old ladies” Ashley and Lauren hate, but that didn’t stop her from eyeing man-child Jared (okay, he’s 26, but he looks much younger). Clare is no fool so when she saw murder in Ashley I.’s eyes she started checking out her other prospects. Before she could pick, meathead Mikey from Desiree’s season asked her to give him the date card and she awkwardly agreed.
Mikey and Clare ended up at a tantric yoga workshop which was every bit as disturbing as it sounds. Later, in a swimming lagoon Clare gave Mikey the “I’m just not that into you” speech which caused Mikey to respond in true Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber form, “so you’re telling me there’s a chance?” No Mikey, there is no chance, but Clare will take your rose anyway. See you next week, sucker!
My reaction. (source)
JJ’s glory days
In my opinion, the most hilarious part of the whole two night extravaganza was when JJ was finally given the power of the rose. It was like Smegal with the one ring. In his own words he was “relishing the role of having the power” and it was hilarious. Of course you’ll remember JJ as the villain turned nice guy (once Nick showed up and shifted the focus) on Kaitlyn’s season. He didn’t make that great of an impression on The Bachelorette, but he’s quickly making a name for himself in Paradise.
JJ arrived to Paradise with more tank tops than you’d find in a calendar of hot firemen and the desire to make a real connection. While a real connection may be on the horizon he spent most of this episode as the wildcard rose. He got to decide who would stay in Paradise between Jillian and Tenley and the competition was fierce. Jillian, the cross fit queen and black censor box abuser from Chris Soules’ season thought she had it in the bag with her flirtation and jokey relationship with JJ. But when Tenley (the nice girl you’d want your brother to marry from Jakes’ season of The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad) realized that she was probably going home she turned her game up a few notches and kissed JJ. Much to her surprise, she kinda liked it. No, she totally liked it. Nice work, JJ.
JJ hilariously hemmed and hawed at the Rose Ceremony, but he obviously gave the rose to Tenley, because even he could see he was being friend-zoned by Jillian and despite all evidence to the contrary, he is no fool. So despite getting a boob job in preparation for the season (no really, they showed operating room footage) Jillian is the first cast member to be sent home. Don’t worry, Jillian, Paradise may not be for you, but those D-cups are forever or until gravity does its thing.
My reaction. (source)
After paradise
A new addition to The Bachelor franchise premiered Monday night. After Paradise is a live (if you’re on eastern standard time, I’m not) after show hosted by Chris Harrison and actress/Bachelor enthusiast Jenny Mollen. Every week they’ll be joined by guests from Paradise and actors cross-promoting other ABC shows. Last night it was Ashley I., Lacy, Mikey and two stars from Scandal. I’ll be honest, I watched it, because duh, but so far I could take it or leave it.
My reaction. (source)
Coming up
I don’t really have words for the extended preview they showed for this season of Bachelor in Paradise. There’s a ton of crying, a pregnancy scare, kissing, shocked faces and budding relationships, it’s going to be everything I could ever hope for. Next week the women will be handing out the roses so a man (or men) will be going home!
My reaction. (source)
What do you guys think so far? Do you have a favorite couple? I’m totally sold and can’t wait for more!
