Here are the top moments from episodes 7 and 8 (and the after show!) of Bachelor in Paradise with gif reactions.
Real Quick Catch Up
In what is becoming an annoying but expected pattern, last week’s episode ended with a cliffhanger. We were left wondering if JJ and Joe were going to throw down over Joe’s mistreatment of Juelia during Samgate. Well, they didn’t. They just puffed their chests at one another and then sat down and kept hanging out like nothing happened. Such a disappointment, but well done producers for getting your highest rating this season by building anticipation for a fight with absolutely no payout at all. They’ve been watching UFC haven’t they?
While no one came to blows, the drama with Juelia continued over whether or not any of the men would save the widowed single mother with their rose in order to give her another chance at love. In the end it came down to JJ to make the decision so obviously he gave his rose to Ashley S. Huh? Ashley S.? That made no sense at all. Then, JJ left the show saying that he was going home to try to win back a girl he had left to behind in Denver. No JJ, don’t leave me! Who is going to make snappy metaphors about blind squirrels to make me laugh now?!
The only good thing about JJ leaving was undoubtedly the patriotic music they played over his exit. I wasn’t sure if I was watching Bachelor in Paradise or Armageddon on a Sunday afternoon on basic cable. (Sigh, remember when Ben Affleck was still hot?) Bye JJ, you’ll be missed for your confessionals and abundance of pink tank tops, but not for your comments about busty blondes. In the end, raccoon whisperer Clare, one date wonder Megan and crop top aficionado Juelia were sent packing without roses.
My reaction. (source)
The return of Mikey and Juelia
Earlier in the evening Juelia cornered Chris Harrison to ask if she could possibly have a second chance with Mikey since she has been so manipulated by Joe. If you’ll remember, Mikey was sent home early last week when Juelia gave Joe her rose. Well, despite the fact that we’ve watched four full hours of Bachelor in Paradise since then, Mikey hadn’t left the country yet so SURPRISE Mikey is back and Juelia gets to stay.
Mikey got a date card for a trip to Guadalajara that he gave to Juelia who wasted no time sitting in his lap and giving him chaste kisses on their private plane. (Chaste by Bachelor standards, not Duggar standards. Let’s not get crazy!) They had a date at a lucha libre match and were given an envelope with a fantasy suite key which they obviously accepted, because they kinda pretend like each other. I’m of the opinion that no one over the age of 13 should be called Mikey unless they’re reenacting a Life Cereal commercial so I kept waiting to hear him say “Hey, Mikey. He liked it!” every time they flirted. I know Juelia asked for him to come back but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t going to be any Mexican wrestling happening in that fantasy suite.
My reaction. (source)
1 Tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor
Just when things were starting to get settled in Paradise our newest arrival came strolling up the beach. Nick Peterson the sneaky winner of Bachelor Pad 3 and alumnus of Bachelorette season 7 (throwing it way back to Ashley Hebert’s season) arrived with date card in hand. Right away he admitted that he planned to give his date to Samantha, because they had been talking on Instagram and through texts. Hold up, Samantha was texting with both Joe and Nick? Way to hedge your bets, girl. It was like an Ashley Madison hack Bachelor style. Which embarrassing social media relationship is going to pop up next? Please tell me she ends up on Catfish.
Nick asked Samantha out, but she was still pretending to be a decent human being at this point so she turned him down to stick with Joe. A confused Nick looked around and saw that Ashley S. was the only available girl since Dan dumped her so, by process of elimination, instant date. Seriously, I’m so thankful for the hilarity that was this date. Nick and Ashley arrived at the docks to board a boat for a private island, but due to a hurricane the island was closed. Naturally, this was explained to them by a man speaking heavily accented English which they confused for Spanish. Cringe worthy xenophobia aside, their twin stares of confusion as they admitted that they didn’t speak Spanish (again, he was speaking English) were secondhand embarrassment gold.
Eventually they made their way to plan b which was a tequila massage. I watched the entire date with rapt attention, but I still don’t know what a tequila massage is. Unless of course it’s just a massage people give each other after they drink a worrisome amount of tequila. In that case, BEST TEQUILA MASSAGE EVER. Nick and Ashley S. drank an inordinate amount of alcohol which led to an accelerated level of hot tub intimacy and amusing confessionals. Ashley S. can’t weigh more than 110lbs and she was going shot for shot for personal trainer Nick so by the end I wasn’t even laughing. I just wanted to tuck her into bed with a bottle of water and some aspirin. Nothing says true love like being chosen by default and overindulging in alcohol. I give these guys zero chance of working out.
My reaction. (source)
Real relationships are boring
While Ashley S. and Nick were setting back U.S./Mexican relations by a few decades, Tanner and Jade got a date in, you guessed it, Tequila, Mexico. They learned how tequila is made and Tanner took a turn taking a “whack at the ol’ agave” in his date clothes. They ate dinner and accepted the fantasy suite keys. I hope Kirk filled out a reimbursement form for his fantasy suite with Carly from last week, because Chris Harrison was handing them out like candy in these episodes.
Tanner took the time in the fantasy suite to tell Jade that he had something serious to talk to her about. She looked like she was going to throw up, but never fear, Jade he was just awkwardly getting the nerve up to tell you that he’s falling for you. Now they’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend and prove that nothing is more boring in Bachelor world than when the relationships get real.
My reaction. (source)
Ashley I.’s heart won’t go on
Speaking of relationships getting real, Ashley I. and Jared’s won’t be, because he called it quits. What’s wrong with him? Don’t you know you don’t break up with a girl in Paradise until she has given you a rose? Did Joe teach you nothing? Needless to say, Ashley (who was wearing a necklace that she must have ganked off the old lady in Titanic) did not take the break up well. Impressively, she waited for Jared to walk away before falling apart, but fall apart she did. There were tears and they were ugly. Of course, the only reasonable thing for her to do was call her friend Kaitlyn (the former bachelorette who broke Jared’s heart) and ask what she did to him. I can’t thank God enough for not giving me my crush’s ex-girlfriend’s phone numbers back when I had the maturity level of a 10th grader like Ashley I. Also, thanks for never letting me sign up for a reality dating show.
My reaction. (source)
Sam I am (a lot of trouble)
The biggest story to come out of this week’s episodes was the end of Joe and Sam’s epic two day long romance. That’s right, their entire romance lasted all of two days in Paradise and yet we spent hours watching it unfold. What is this life? Last week Joe was public enemy number one for stringing Juelia along in order to stick around long enough for Sam to arrive and accost my eyes with their public displays of seduction. This week, Sam was over him and broke things off AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY. Guys, I can’t emphasize this enough, there was a cake with “Happy Birthday, Joe” written on it in front of him while she broke up with him. Talk about stone cold. Luckily for us, Country Joe (thanks for the nickname, Carly) wasn’t going to give up on the vapid girl of his dreams quite that easily.
In an odd twist, Ashley I. and Joe became comrades in inordinately heartbroken arms as they bonded over their breakups. Of course, Joe was hilariously no help to Ashley at all as she bawled on the couch next to him, but Ashley gave Joe some interesting advice. She told him to reintroduce himself to Sam so they could start over. He practiced saying, “Hi, I’m Joe” a few dozen times before he tried it out on Sam only to be completely shut down. I can’t make this stuff up. Who would have thought, “Hi, I’m Joe” wouldn’t work on a girl who already broke up with you? Shocking.
Just when we were revelling in his awkwardness, 90s hair Justin from Kaitlyn’s season arrived wearing a collared shirt tucked into his shorts like toddler Prince George. Of course, he was immediately attracted to Sam despite her complete lack of personality and he asked her out despite his good friend Joe telling him not to. The best part? She said yes and now Joe is going to lose his ever loving mind exposing Sam for the fraud that she is. I can’t wait.
My reaction. (source)
Drum roll please
They promised to reveal who the next Bachelor would be on so I finally watched one in its entirety. Comedian Michelle Collins was super funny as the celebrity guest as she hit on Dan who totally rolled with her jokes while looking like a tiny little man next to her. The big draw was Joe who gave what appeared to be a well written, if not sincere, apology for his behavior towards Juelia. I think I believed him, but I was really distracted by his ability to turn the word “cringe” into five syllables.
Finally, it was time for the big reveal! Who is going to be the next Bachelor? Will it be Nick Viall? Nope, (nice try on having him show up on set to trip us up though) it will be Ben H.! Ben is super cute and sincerely nice so I’m sure it’ll be the most boring season ever that I’ll devour every second of. Oh and if you’re not alone if you’re like my husband wondering which Ben he is, “the beefy one or the emotionally available one?” For the record, he’s the emotionally available one, but they’ll have him beefed up for the requisite beach shots in no time. So, score!
My reaction. (source)
Coming up in Paradise
It looks like next week Joe is going to drag Sam down to his level by exposing their text messages. Break ups on Bachelor in Paradise are just like high school! Is someone going to get cyber bullied next? Also, some people will go on dates, others will go home and I’ll keep watching mesmerized from the comfort of my home.
My reaction. (source)
Why do all of these guys keep falling for Sam? Are you excited that Ben will be the next Bachelor? Tell me in the comments.
