A Real Quick GIF Recap of The Bachelorette

You guys had to know I couldn’t stay away after Monday night’s third episode of The Bachelorette. Yes, I have an 11 day old daughter to take care of, but I live in America the land of the free, the brave and no maternity leave so, here I am. This episode was a doozy. I don’t know if the show runners have just given up on romance for the first half of the season or if they’ve just embraced the ridiculousness of this show, but the dates this season have been absurd and I love it. This week we saw Kaitlyn and her bachelors become sumo wrestlers, toilet water explorers, sex education teachers and have a romantic candlelit dinner (only one of those dates are made up and yes, it was the candlelit dinner)and yet, people wonder why I love/hate this show. Just kidding, I only love it.

Here’s my real quick GIF recap of my favorite moments from the third episode of The Bachelorette.

1. Kupah Goes Home

I liked Kupah. He has a fun name that provides me with the opportunity to make endless Koopa Troopa Super Mario Bros jokes and he looks a little like LL COOL J. What’s not to love? Unfortunately, Kupah appeared to go a little heavy on the drinking at the cocktail party on last week’s episode (it was “to be continued”) and he lost his cool. He essentially accused Kaitlyn of only keeping him around to keep the diversity in the show and then became increasingly angry. To be fair, the show has a terrible track record when it comes to racial diversity, but just watching the episodes as edited his outburst seem a bit outrageous. Then Kupah had the audacity to yell at my favorite Bachelor producer and I was DONE. No one gets to be mean to Elan and not get made fun of in my post. (Yes, I follow The Bachelor producers on twitter. Research, people.) Kaitlyn sent Kupah home and I was all, “you go girl!”

2. Men in Diapers (AKA Sumo Wrestling Date)

To be fair, I’ve been changing A LOT of diapers lately so the appeal of seeing grown men in traditional sumo wrestling garb was kinda lost of me. For this group date Kaitlyn had 6 of the guys (I’m not even going to pretend to know their names) take sumo lessons from two gigantic men and then put on an exhibition at what looked like a half-empty strip mall in Calabasas. I say “take sumo lessons” but what I mean is get tossed around like rag dolls by the 600lb behemoth of a man. The best part of this date was seeing Kaitlyn laugh like a crazy person at the guys when they removed their robes. That and seeing the looks of abject horror on the crowd of spectators when Joe shook his booty Beyoncé style at them. Then again, Joe had a few spare body parts hanging out of his fundoshi for most of the episode.

3. Tony Goes Home

Tony “the healer” was originally one of the men on the sumo date. Unfortunately for Tony’s future on this show, he’s a lover not a fighter and the aggressive nature of the date was super offensive to him. He wanted to know why they couldn’t just go to the zoo and have animal noise contests. For real; he said that. To that I say, this is The Bachelorette you are the zoo. He ended up packing his bags and leaving the mansion to return home to his bonsai trees.

4. Shawn is Still Super Hot

After the sumo date the remaining guys that didn’t quit the entire show because they had to wrestle in public (looking at you, Tony) went to the requisite after party with Kaitlyn. She flirted and kissed with just about all of them, but the sparks really flew when she got some alone time with Shawn (formerly known as Shawn B. which made him sound like a 90s rap artist). Shawn is hot. He has this confident swagger and tells Kaitlyn exactly what he’s thinking and she likes it. Shawn got the well-deserved date rose and lives to see another week. Hallelujah.

5. Kaitlyn is Scared of Birds

For Kaitlyn’s one-on-one date (aka a normal dating ratio for normal people) she and Ben Z. had the misfortune of entering the twisted mind of Chris Harrison. The host of The Bachelor franchise picked their date location which ended up being locked in a room filled with every terrifying horror you can imagine as they looked for clues to free them. Let’s just say that if Chris Harrison had planned all of my first dates I’d still be single. There were snakes, maggots, birds, roaches, a really creep dude covered in a sheet that moved around. Not cool. At one point Ben Z. had to reach his hand around a huge snake into a disgusting toilet to reach a clue. It was gross. Since nothing says romance like holding hands with toilet water guy, Ben Z. and Kaitlyn bonded over the experience and went on to have a romantic evening at her house. While there Ben told her more about losing his mom as a young boy and admitted that he hasn’t cried in eleven years. Ben Z. is adorable I have major emoji heart eyes over him, but when he admitted that he hasn’t cried I could only imagine the scheming that started in the writer’s room. #TearWatch2015 commences.

6. Having Strange Men Teach Sex Ed to Children

For the second group date Kaitlyn “pranked” the guys by making them teach sex education to a room full of school children. Thankfully, the kids were child actors because, while hilarious, this was disturbing. They spoke about everything from puberty to contraception and the secondhand embarrassment was fierce. I will say though that when Joshua pronounced the word “tampon” as “tamp-in” I was like, “Hey, that actually makes sense. Someone call Procter and Gamble.”

7. Ben H. Makes me Twitterpated

This was a week for the Bens because, when Ben H. got Kaitlyn alone during the group date after party he turned it UP. Ben H. was the only guy to actually do a decent job during the sex ed portion of the date. He told Kaitlyn this is because he used to work with kids and loves being around them. You could almost see her ovaries explode. They shared a great kiss and she gave him the group date rose. I’m liking Ben H. I hope he sticks around for awhile. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of him.

8. JJ and Clint a (B)romance for the Ages

If you follow The Bachelorette on social media at all you couldn’t have missed the talk all week about a gay romance developing between two of the bachelors this season. Supposedly, JJ and Clint found a special connection in the mansion which is quite frankly, hilarious. I live for these kind of twists. Full disclosure, I went to college with JJ and while I didn’t know him at the time, we have several mutual friends and through the joys of social media we’re now basically BFF. Hi JJ! Anyway, while I’d love to wax poetic about the wonders of his relationship with Clint I’m going to chalk this one up to genius editing and enjoy it for what it is. Regardless, Clint and JJ are hilarious in their interviews (I’d love to hear more about power socks and their love of turtles). My favorite quote from the whole episode came from JJ when he compared the rest of the bachelors to “JV croquet players”. Hilarious. Long live their (b?)romance.

9. To Be Continued…

Okay, so this is not a moment I like. I hate this new habit the show has of ending the episode before the cocktail party results. The show has a built in audience that shows up every week to watch. We don’t need cliffhangers. This is not a YA book. STOP.

10. Scenes From Next Week

Kaitlyn yells at Clint? JJ and Clint fight? JJ slaps himself? I CAN’T WAIT.

What do you think of this season so far? Who is your favorite Bachelor? Do you think JJ and Clint have a bromance or a romance going? Tell me in the comments!

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