Recently, I’ve seen quite a few people on social media complain that this season’s bachelors are the worst ever. To which I say, “what you talkin’ bout, Willis?” In my opinion, Kaitlin’s season has the perfect mix of completely ridiculous guys (Bonsai Tony, Brokeback Clint), sarcastic sidekicks (hello there Tanner), stupid hot eye candy (looking at you, Shawn B. and Ben Z.) and good guys that are slightly boring, but I probably would have dated in real life if they hadn’t been in junior high back when I was single (Ben H. and Jared). Plus, there are the whole slew of guys whose names I don’t know that are used as sacrificial lambs on the altar of roses. That way we get the satisfaction of watching people get kicked off the show without being emotionally invested in them. They’re the less violent equivalent of the first few battles in the gladiator games of Ancient Rome. Some dude no one knows gets eaten by a tiger while the crowd is still busy getting churros or whatever the 2nd century Roman equivalent of a churro is. Okay, so I’ve digressed to a strange place, but I stand by the fact that this season has a great cast despite the episodes being a bit formulaic. I’m thoroughly enjoying rolling my eyes at the tv while watching and really, what else matters?
Here are my reactions (in gif form, obvs) to this week’s memorable moments.
Nick is Cool Under Pressure
When the last episode ended we were left with the ominous image of Nick entering the guys’ hotel suite to meet his fate. Hilariously, he was immediately sat across from the rest of the contestants who were gathered around a tiny couch and shooting daggers at him from their eyes. It was like the job interview from hell, but Nick handled it with the ease of a man who knows the producers want him there. The guys spouted question after question at him and he batted them down one by one with a metaphorical flick of his hand like they were gnats. I have no doubt that he is a fantastic software sales executive, because homeboy was not phased and almost sold me on his genuine intentions. Just kidding, I still can’t stand him and his smug face, but I’d totally take a seminar on how to dominate at job interviews from him.
My Reaction. source
Take Me Out of the Ballgame
The rose ceremony (I know! An actual rose ceremony during this episode; madness.) took place on the infield of Citi Field, the home of the New York Mets. Yes, even the rose ceremony locations are b-list on this show. Baseball burn. Then again, I can’t think of many places more appropriate for being disappointed than the Mets stadium. Baseball burn #2. Okay, I’m done. Apparently it was freezing in New York because the men were shivering like Mick Jagger during detox. I bet Nick was regretting his choice to forgo his trademark scarf this season. Kaitlyn had the luxury of an actual coat, but you could just see her mocking those guys like, “I’m Canadian, this ain’t no thing.” Anyway, she sent three of the men home (no one you’ll care about), but kept Nick around much to the chagrin of basically everyone else except maybe JJ because he really needs a friend now that Clint is gone.
My reaction. (Baseball burn #3) source
Exotic San Antonio, Texas
After the rose ceremony the remaining bachelors packed up and headed to sunny San Antonio. If you followed my recaps of Chris Soules’ seasons you know how I feel about all of this domestic travel. What happened ABC? Did international travel get too expensive? Is Kaitlyn an undocumented immigrant and not allowed to leave the country? Because I could totally get behind a season of The Bachelor dedicated to getting the bachelorette her citizenship.
My reaction. source
Ben H. Two-Steps his way to a rose
Once in San Antonio, Ben H. received the first date card. I really like Ben H. he’s handsome, appears to be a genuinely nice guy and wears a plaid lumberjack shirt well. Kaitlyn and Ben’s date involved entering a two-step dancing competition and then having dinner on a rooftop. When Ben found out they’d be two-stepping he said, “this is going to be awesome!” Which in Bachelor speak means, “worst date idea ever!” The best part of the dancing was the side interview with Betty Jo the octogenarian two-step judge. Betty Jo for Bachelorette 2016! The dinner portion of the date was pretty vanilla and normal which, for this show, means I was reading my Twitter feed and making a snack during the majority of their meal, but Ben got the rose so he must have done fine.
My reaction. source
Ay, yai, yai that’s embarrassing
For the group date Kaitlyn had the guys dress up like members of a Mariachi band and serenade her with their own bastardized versions of “Cielito Lindo” or, as you may know it, the “Ay, yai, yai, yai” song. This was expectedly embarrassing, but the thing that stood out to me (besides the fact that Ben Z. can even make a Mariachi costume look good) was that the guys were each given a discman and cd to learn the song from. A discman. I’m now convinced that the lack of international travel thus far is budget related. Where do you even find that many discmans (men)? Did they raid a college dorm hall in 1998?
My reaction. source
Kaitlyn should not be trusted with hair clippers
After the guys changed out of their sombreros they joined Kaitlyn for the after party when they fight for quality time with her. Joshua, the welder from Idaho, chose to use this time by handing Kaitlyn a pair of clippers and asking her to do whatever she wanted to his hair. Kaitlyn proceeded to completely butcher one side of his head with the most hilarious results. I paused the TV and laughed out loud (a literal “LOL” not one of those fake “LOLs” that you use when you’re placating your Great-Uncle Joe on Facebook). His haircut looked like the result of a trust exercise at a monk convention. Kaitlyn should not quit her day job. Wait, does Kaitlyn have a day job?
Joshua went on to have a serious conversation with Kaitlyn about the fact that everyone hates Nick which confused Kaitlyn because everyone else was acting like they were fine with him. So she walked back into the group and called him on it. None of the other guys backed him up and it was one big ball of awkward. Things aren’t looking good for Josh and I don’t just mean his boot camp reject haircut.
My reaction. source
If Shawn’s a bird, I’m a bird
Fan favorite Shawn got the last date of the night and it was romance from the start. Kaitlyn has off the charts chemistry with Shawn, but who can blame her? You’ve seen the guy, right? They spent the day kayaking and their evening talking over dinner. Shawn shared his sad backstory about a bad car accident he survived and she was smitten. Then he leaned in and told her he’s falling in love with her and it was game over. She even replied that she feels the same way. Everyone let out a collective sigh and then remember that we are only on episode 5 and these things never end well. At the end of their date the producers totally embraced Shawn’s resemblance to Ryan Gosling and put them on a rowboat in the middle of a lake to watch a firework display. Yes, a rowboat just like in The Notebook. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Shawn whispered, “if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” to her and if he had I would have loved it because I was eating this up and he’s adorable. The only thing I didn’t like about this date was that he kept whispering in her ear and I was like, “No fair! This is The Bachelor, you don’t get secrets!”
My reaction. source
Ian isn’t as awesome as he thinks he is
You probably don’t remember Ian unless you read my hot or not ranking of the contestants prior to the first episode airing.* He hasn’t had much air time at all and perhaps that’s a good thing because, he was a huge jerk this week. Ian realized that he wasn’t going to win the girl or the chance to be the next bachelor and it was a huge dig to his ego. Rather than humbly accepting the rejection and going home, he decided to blame everything on Kaitlyn and attack her personality to make himself feel better. What a man. At one point Ian said, “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death and has been around the world a couple times.” I don’t know, maybe because you suck? They continued the episode to next week before we saw the full culmination of Ian’s crazy, but I’m sure we’re in for a treat.
My reaction. source
*I stand by my unbiased rankings of the guys based on their bios even though Ian ended up being not that hot and huge jerk. Goes to show that his Princeton education and past modeling experience gave him great resume writing and headshot taking skills. You go, Glen Coco.
Scenes from next week
The scenes from next week were amazing. We’ll get to see the fallout from Ian’s tirade which will be great, but more importantly, we’ll finally get to see the episode they’ve been teasing us with all season. Yep, we’re going to find out who Kaitlyn ends up taking all the way to home base. (Baseball jokes for days.)
My reaction. source
What do you think is going to happen with Ian next week? Do you think Kaitlyn and Shawn’s love will last the ages? Tell me in the comments!
