Don’t ask me how this post came about. It’s a long and convoluted story that’s impossible to follow, but please trust me when I tell you that when I found myself searching different websites in order to find all the different varieties of beach themed Ken dolls, it made perfect sense at the time. What a treasure trove I unearthed! It made me regret the fact that we only had two Kens growing up. If I had known what fabulous specimens were out there perhaps we would have purchased a few more. Now that warm weather is upon us, I have compiled a list of the plastic stud muffins that I would like to be my boy toy for the summer. Warning: an alarming number of crop tops ahead.
California Dream Ken
Bold prints are so in right now, and it takes someone with a keen sense of fashion to be able to mix them in one outfit. Clearly California Dream Ken is that someone. This is a man confident in who he is and who isn’t afraid to take risks, which makes him perfect to spend the summer with. Such fun to be had with him. And if you thought those accessories in the box were going to look ridiculous with what is already a pretty busy look, prepare to feel like an idiot.
See? California Dream Ken is ready to accept your apology at any time.
Glitter Beach Ken
Nine times out of ten, when I see a guy at the beach wearing a hot pink surfer pendant around his neck I think to myself, “That hot pink surfer pendant is not nearly big enough.” The fact that Glitter Beach Ken also thinks this and therefore made sure his own hot pink surfer pendant was absolutely enormous is what would first make him catch my eye. The thing that would keep my eye however, is the fact that he’s so considerate. He knows that his torso is his best feature and that the sight of it would render everyone on the beach catatonic, so he’s obscured part of it with his favorite lavender crop top for everyone’s safety. Glitter Beach Ken’s attention to detail is what seals the deal (see: the amount of glitter on the swim trunks that he wears to Glitter Beach).
Hawaiian Fun Ken
So much neon. I don’t love that initially, but at least I’d never lose him! No matter where he is along the beach I’d be able to pick him out of the crowd. Or, if we took a romantic nighttime stroll together I could wear all black without worrying about it. He has on enough reflective gear for the both of us, thus protecting me from passing motorists.
Sun Sensation Ken
Sun Sensation Ken is the innovator of the group. He knows that both Glitter Beach Ken and Hawaiian Fun Ken are going to have hellacious tan lines from their crop tops and he laughs at their folly. Obviously a summertime crop top needs to be metallic mesh in order to avoid that problem. We will discuss all the different types of sun permeable fabrics over margaritas as bright and refreshing as Ken’s shorts.
Sea Holiday Ken
Sea Holiday Ken and I meet on the sun deck of a cruise ship. He’s in those incredible nautical rope patterned swim shorts and I mistake him for another passenger. There is banter. But then that night at the dinner theater show the lights come up, the dance troupe appears on stage, and Sea Holiday Ken and I lock eyes. Well, his eyes lock with mine. The stage lights reflect off the gold lapels of his costume and cause a glare that obscures his face so severely that I don’t recognize him for almost half the show. I am dazzled by his tap skills. After the show we laugh and laugh about the whole thing as we recreate the “I’m flying!” scene from Titanic at the front of the cruise ship.
Ocean Friends Ken
I envision the situation where I meet Ocean Friends Ken playing out in a corny, rom-com AU type context. I’m an elementary school teacher taking my students on an end of the year field trip to the local aquarium. Ocean Friends Ken is waiting in the largest pool in the marine mammals exhibit and explains to the kids all about how he rescued his dolphin friend Bubbles and nursed her back to health after she sustained a terrible injury from a speedboat propeller. Everyone gets to feed the dolphin, and Ken’s hand brushes against mine in the bucket of fish as we both reach for the same mackerel. What a charming little meet-cute, no? In this scenario Ocean Friends Ken is played by Chris Evans. Because, obviously.
Whether Dolphin Ken or Malibu Ken or straight Ken, which brings back the memories and the stories from your childhood? Who’s convinced Glitter Beach Ken is actually Matthew McConaughey?