Last week ABC finally released pictures and bios for this season’s cast. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a purist so I try to avoid any and all spoilers, including of the cast, before the official announcement. This may mean that I refreshed the page for an hour in anticipation and that I then spent the next few days studying their bios and coming up with a completely arbitrary unbiased system of ranking for the bachelors. I’m calling it “That’s Normal’s First Impression Rose” and I refuse to be ashamed.
I‘m going to judge you from the comfort of my house so hard. source
First I made a quick judgment of their overly photoshopped cast photo and assigned a (generous) number between 1-10 for their general hotness. Then I added or subtracted points depending on a number of factors. Are they a personal trainer? Minus 1 because those guys are always the worst on this show. Their favorite movie does not star Leonardo DiCaprio? Plus 1 because, the rest of them only liked Wolf of Wall Street for the boobs; admit it. They claim to be 6’0″? Minus 1 because we all know that means 5’10” and I don’t like liars. They have facial hair? Plus 1 because I’m making the rules and I like it. These questions along with a number of others, my self-proclaimed Bachelor expertise and my generally snarky disposition resulted in a completely infallible ranking of all 25 contestants. Here are my top and bottom 5 for the season.
Hot #5: Ryan M.
So honestly, I’m not super attracted to this photo of 28 year-old Ryan M. from Kansas City, MO on its own, but when you looked at it in a sea of 25 other photos up against that same yearbook photo background he looked GOOD. Somehow he ended up as a 9 for hotness on my scale. I’m questioning that now, but I’m a sucker for tall guys (he’s 6’3″) so I’m going to run with it. Ryan M. lost one point for having an initial attached to his name. Is it his fault that there is another Ryan on the show? Nope, but this isn’t third grade and I don’t want my potential TV boyfriend running around at recess group dates with an initial next to his name. He also lost one point for his job as a “Junkyard Specialist” because that sounds like a made up job and he could have been more creative. That left Ryan M. with a 7 point ranking and placed him firmly at the bottom of my top 5.
Not #5: Corey
Poor 30 year-old Corey from New York City only scored a 6 on my hotness scale. I haven’t seen any footage of the actual show yet, so maybe he’ll end up being the hottest guy ever, but based on this photo it’s a nope. I’m not sure what it is, maybe his v on his v-neck is too high. I’m thinking he may be the type to show up in an awesome tailored suit that makes his hotness ratchet up the scale or maybe he really looks this cheesy all the time. On the positives, he has a good job as an investment banker if you’re into that sort of thing. He also wants a pretty great superpower that gives him the ability to “do everything I want without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” I can tell this guy is 30 like me. Sign me up. It’s all sounding pretty great for Mr. Corey right? Wrong. He has tattoos, but describes them as “small” which immediately makes me think they’re butterflies and located on his lower back. Perhaps he also has a dainty star on his hip. Minus 1. Then he used the words “enlightened cat” to describe the Dalai Lama which just made me roll my eyes. Minus 1. Oh and he claims to be 6’0″. Yeah, maybe with lifts in your shoes. Don’t lie to me Corey; this is my ranking and I’ll subtract points if I want to. Sorry Corey-with-an-e, you’re left with a final score of 5. I hope you prove me wrong or at least really embarrass yourself on the show.
Hot #4: Ben H.
Allow me to introduce you to 26 year-old bachelor Ben H. from Denver, Colorado. Ben H. scored an 8 in my snap judgment of his general hotness. Nice teeth, good hair and 6’4″? Done. Now some may write off his baby face as a deal breaker, but that sucker will still be baby smooth in 30 years and we all know this relationship is going to last forever so we really have to look through a long term lens. Plus, he’s a Software Salesman and those guys have an excellent earning potential so I’m willing to forgive a lot. Here’s how his point tally went: plus 1 for height, minus one for having an initial next to his name, plus one for naming The Sandlot as his favorite movie, minus one for basically mentioning emergency onset diarrhea for his idea of a bad date. I almost took away a point for being too “outdoorsy” because, let’s face it, I’m “indoorsy”, but I kept him in the running for all of you camping types. You’re welcome. This left Ben H. with a total score of 8 making him #4 in my top 5.
Not #4: Joe
Sorry 28 year-old Joe from Columbia, Kentucky; I only gave you a 5 on the hotness scale. I truly almost feel bad (if you’re reading this I feel sincerely bad). Nah, I can’t apologize for science and my scaling skills are clearly flawless. Maybe I’m a cynic*, but Joe the Insurance Agent’s bio came across as very insincere to me. I even subtracted a point from his score because his “greatest achievement to date” was donating money to his sister’s mission trip this summer. Uh Joe, that’s your greatest achievement? You’re 28 years-old and you’ve never done more than donate money to your sister? I was donating money for people’s mission trips when I was like 13. Maybe you should have said your greatest achievement to date was getting your hair to stand up that high. Burn. Joe Joe gets a 4.
*I’m totally a cynic.
Hot #3: Chris
Okay, so this photo of 28 year-old Chris from Nashville, Tennessee belongs in a School of Dentistry catalog, but that’s okay, because the dude is actually a Dentist. Full disclosure, I saw a few of Chris’ modeling pictures (naturally he’s a model this is The Bachelorette) and lets just say that this photo does not do him justice. I tried to remain true to my snap judgments though, so Chris got on 8 on the hotness scale. Unfortunately, Chris got a point subtracted for being 6’0″ because, I’m pretty sure that’s a Tom Cruise 6’0″ if you know what I mean. Then he went and totally redeemed himself by preferring a “low-key bar” over a “hot-spot club.” Yes, that’s one of the questions they asked him. What’s a hot-spot club anyway? Is that where they have free wi-fi? Anyway, Chris the underwear model/dentist earned a final score of 8. You’re welcome, Chris. Call me, I think I need a root canal after all of this sweetness I’m spewing.
Not #3: Cory
At first glance, 35 year-old Cory from Pearland, Texas was kinda working for me; he had that baseball player look to him that brought me back to my high school days. The Residential Developer got a 6 on the hotness scale because of that awkward head tilt and crossed arms so thanks photographer, but I didn’t think he’d land in my bottom 5. That is until I read his bio. All I wrote next to Cory’s name in my notebook is “lame.” First off, Cory’s biggest dating fear is “finding out my date’s really a dude.” We get it Cory, you’re straight. You like girls. Boobs good, penis bad. *eye-roll* Then he said that if he could be someone else for one day he’d be his “younger self.” You’re only 35! Stop living in the past. Really, what are you missing out on? Cheap beer and low thread count sheets? Over it. I would give him credit for avoiding the whole initial controversy by simply spelling his name differently than the previously mentioned Corey, but his parent’s deserve the credit for that. Maybe Ben H. could consider doing this. That’s it, Ben H. shall henceforth be called Behn (the H is silent). Oh and Cory gets a 4.
Hot #2: Ben Z.
I don’t care who you are, 26 year-old Ben Z. from San Jose, CA is hot. So hot I gave him a 9 on my initial viewing and I think he earned it. I’m pretty sure he’s smiling directly into my soul. Sigh. Unfortunately, Ben Z. has an initial attached to his name this season. I know I’ve killed this point, but I seriously think of writing out valentines in elementary school, “Dear Ben, Z. you’re the coolest even though you have cooties. Your friend, Heidi.” Minus one point from Gryffindor. He also lost a point for being a Personal Trainer. I swear I’m not being a snob with this one; I have watched every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and the personal trainers are THE WORST. Please prove me wrong, Ben. Otherwise San Jose is only like an hour away from me; I’ll be at the gym…someday. Don’t worry though, Ben Z. earned back his two lost points by being ridiculously sweet about his mom and having the perfect amount of scruff. This left him with a grand total of 9 points in the That’s Normal First Impression Rose tally. How do I trademark that?
Not #2: Brady
In all fairness to 33 year-old Brady from Nashville, Tennessee, he just isn’t my type. I gave the Singer-Songwriter a generous 5 on my hotness scale, but it didn’t last. First off, the leather cords of his necklace, that I’m positive lead to some sort of gilded guitar pick, subtracted his first point. Then he said his biggest dating fear is “explosive diarrhea.” That’s a direct quote. What is with these guys and bodily functions? You get like 5 questions to answer in order to introduce yourself to the world and you choose intestinal issues. Genius. Minus 1. He did earn a single point back for his championship winning, 9th inning grand slam in college because, that’s cool. But in the end it simply wasn’t enough. Sorry Brady, my personal biases gave you a 4. Use this disappointment to write a hit song. I won’t even take royalties.
Hot #1: Ian
Well hello there, 28 year-old Ian from Los Angeles, CA. Maybe it’s his height (6’4″). Maybe it’s his perfect teeth and well groomed scruff. Maybe it’s the way his v-neck tee fits or just the fact that he’s wearing a v-neck tee and not a half buttoned collared shirt most of those wannabes. All I know is that Executive Recruiter Ian scored a 10 on my hotness scale and I refused to subtract any points. I really hope he beats the usual modus operandi of this show and goes far as a person of color. At least far enough that we get to hear the sad back story of that scar on his arm. My tears are ready despite my husband saying he probably got it from bicep surgery after a lifting injury. I won’t let him ruin this for me.
NOT #1: Shawn E.
Oh, 31 year-old Shawn E. from Ontario, Canada, I’m so glad this picture was taken. It’s the trifecta of awkwardness. The head tilt, the ugly shirt with white reflective buttons, the necklace that I’m sure came from one of your exotic vacations to Baja. I welcome you with open arms. Shawn E. got a very, very, generous ranking of 5 to start. Then the subtracting began. First off, Shawn E. works as an Amatuer Sex Coach. I have a hard time believing that’s an actual job. I’m thinking he picked up a t-shirt during that aforementioned trip to Baja that said “Amateur Sex Coach” on it and thought “Perfect! Everyone will think this is a work uniform!” I mean really, an amateur sex coach? What does it take to become a professional? Who is paying this guy? Do they pay him in white shirt buttons? Basically his entire bio was straight up creepy. If he was a superhero he’d be superman because “you can’t change what you already are.” Gag. His ultimate date would end in “loving until sunrise.” Gag. His biggest dating fear is “passing gas.” Gag. Do you see a theme here? I gave Shawn E. a total score of 1 point and I don’t even feel bad about it.
Well there you have it, whether you watch for the eye candy or for the bachelors’ inevitable humiliation I hope you’ll watch The Bachelorette with me tonight, Monday 5/18 at 9pm. Keep in mind that this is only a list of 10 out of the 25 contestants so there is plenty more to judge see. I even left off a guy that was a year ahead of me at my tiny liberal arts college because I’m so unbiased you guys (Go Westmont!), so you have to tune in and let me know what you think of all the bachelors.
This season they have that really sexist strange twist that has us starting off with two bachelorettes for the premiere. Rumor has it that the bachelors will decide whether Britt or Kaitlyn continue on as the bachelorette during the second episode. I was kinda hoping for a fight to the death, but we don’t always get what we want.
On a personal and TMI note, I am having my third baby this week via c-section and I’m no Duchess Catherine so I plan on wearing sweat pants, taking prescription opiates, and utilizing ice packs galore for the next few weeks. Have no fear, I will certainly be watching and tweeting during the shows, but my recaps may be sporadic as I, you know, introduce a human being to the world. Stay strong in my absence and know that I’ll be back when you least expect it, just like Chris Harrison lurking in the back hallway with that final rose.
Did you waste any time perusing the cast bios? What do you think about my top and bottom 5? If you dare question my completely scientific method of ranking, I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
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