Let’s meet the contestants:
Ragnar
Craziest thing he’s done prior to this week: Cut open Jarl Borg’s back and pulled his lungs out through his ribs so they could beat exposed like a eagle’s wings.
Current crazy: Putting Floki in charge of the raid of Paris.
Snakes are the hottest accessory in crazy this Spring!
What he’s up to: The Norsemen are hunkered down outside Paris, getting tattoos, bequeathing inappropriate gifts to married ladies and getting super-uncomfortable whenever Lagertha and Kalf start fighting:
Ragnar’s like: “They’re your problem now!“
I am guessing that Ragnar knows exactly who killed Athelstan, and by putting Floki in charge, Ragnar is hoping to do one of two things: either Floki will be on the front lines in the midst of the slaughter and will die a horrible, bloody death, or the Norsemen are victorious, and as the new quasi-Christian King Ragnar condemns pagan Floki to die a horrible, bloody death. Win/win!
Speaking of being hunkered down, what happened to the element of surprise in this raid? It seems like they pretty much just live on that field outside the city. By this point, the vikings could have built their own competing city across the Seine, so Ragnar and Emperor Charles could just insult each other’s mothers en francais from opposing turrets.
Let’s get our attack on already!
Floki
Craziest thing he’s done prior to this week: Used the wrong fork while dining in King Ecbert’s castle – just kidding – killed Athelstan.
Current crazy: Claiming that, due to shedding the blood of the non-believer, the gods are working through his hands to build the world’s largest Habittrail.
What he’s up to: Floki has been charged with leading the raid, which is making his little crazy heart leap with joy (I have the sense he doesn’t have any shape on the two options Ragnar has in store for him above). While we can all agree this idea is kinda nuts, it has the benefit of resulting in my new favorite Rollo reaction gif:
Translate loosely as “Whatchoo talkin’ bout Floki?”
He’s set in motion the brilliant attack plan devised by everybody except Floki, and is now putting all of his energy into making scaffolds to climb the walls of Gay-Paree. But with how long they’ve just been hanging out in the open, I don’t see how some French scouts haven’t taken this info back to Count Odo so he can fashion an anti-Habittrail contraption to defeat them, like thus:
Sir Isaac, where are you when we need you!
Queen Kwenthrith
Craziest thing she’s done prior to this week: Peed on Ragnar.
Current crazy: Thinking that claiming to have birthed Ragnar’s son is going to offer her protection from King Ecbert.
What she’s up to: Having run out of brothers to kill, Kwenthrith has focused her attention on getting out from under King Ecbert’s thumb. Her gambit with fake Ragnar Jr. failed because she underestimated Ecbert’s crazy, as well as his ability to have any kind of human feels. She is not, however, too good to use her happy-fun-time sexy wiles in service of bringing about an alliance with Prince Aethelwulf. Will Aethelwulf give in? I don’t see why he would betray a father who totally has his back! (spoiler alert: Ecbert totally does not have his back.)
King Ecbert
Craziest thing he’s done prior to this week: Queen Kwenthrith
Current crazy: Putting the moves on his daughter-in-law.
What he’s up to: Now that he’s reclaimed the lands from the Norsemen, he is setting his sights on Northumbrian lands to the north, as well as making sure Queen Kwenthrith stays the obedient little puppet. Hoping her lack of an ear makes it harder for her to hear his nonsense, King Ecbert is wooing Judith by being adorable with baby Alfred, and, I suspect, by sending his son into situations from which he will not, most likely, return. Why, you may ask?
I have several theories as to why he is playing the dirty old man card: 1) he wants to marry Judith so he has a legitimate claim to her father’s lands when he invades, 2) he is pursuing his life-long dream of being Athelstan’s baby-daddy or 3) he is a dirty old man.
The seer
Although the Seer was not in this episode, his crazy cast a long shadow over this episode as his past prognostications start to be realized.
Please let Rollo be the bear: There was still not enough Rollo this week!! They threw us a bone in the form of this sexy-aggro, but completely gratuitous chestirific sequence,
but I am waiting for the what the Seer said was in store for Rollo that will have him dancing in the sheets – I mean – streets. I am hoping he is the bear, and will be hooking up with one of those French girls (oohlalala!)
Wife swap: Remember this gem?
Let’s just say things are not looking too good for Phorunn at this point.
The zombie apocalypse: Vikings style: Lastly, let us not forget this inscrutable but haunting prediction:
Which can only mean one thing: a Vikings/The Walking Dead crossover! Sweeeeeeet!!
Tune in next week when Ragnar says: “Me eat brains”!
