It should be known that I have seen every single episode of this series at least once. Most episodes I have seen a couple of times but the cold hard fact is that I still couldn’t tell you who most of the characters are if my life depended on it. Please tell me I am not alone in this! Let’s get real, the people I DO know are the only ones you care about anyway, so lets catch up with the cool kids of Westeros.
The season opens with a flash back to Cersei’s younger years where she consults a witch to see her future. This glimpse proves that she has always been a little bit of an a-hole even in her youth. Its no surprise that Cersei is PISSED. She still is blaming all her troubles on Tyrion, and Jamie is trying to convince her that her anger is misplaced. Its pretty clear that the honeymoon is definitely over for our favorite incectious twins (ew). My major complaint this episode is not enough Jamie! Gimme more of our King Slayer!
After being shipped in a crate to safety, and having to poo through his breathing holes, Tyrion is on the lamb and not too hopeful of his future. Basically he’s drinking and puking a lot. His rescuer whom I shall call “the bald eunuch dud”e is attempting to convince him to join Daenerys Targaryen to overturn his family’s rule. This my friends is what I have been waiting for! I can not wait to see how this goes!
Our favorite Khalessi is still having some major troubs with her dragons. After they killed a child last season she seems to be a little hopeless when it comes to her little flying monsters. Her dragons are full on teenagers now and don’t want to do anything mom is telling them to do and for the first time we see them being aggressive towards her. On the bright side she is totally still doing Liam from Nashville, so life ain’t all bad amiright?
If I am really being honest, Jon Snow is the only character I really care about. This season Stannis Barathan, (I had to look his name up,) is trying to get Jon to go against his night watch vows of political neutrality to help him in his cause. Along with Stannis comes the creepiest character in the series, the red woman. I am not so sure of her intentions but she is up in Jon’s grill asking him if he’s a virgin and whatnot. This makes Jon (and me) super uncomfortable.
At the end of season 4 many of the Wildlings were captured during that gnarly fight. Stannis wants Jon to compel the Wildlings to fight with him. Jon’s torn, he has compassion for the Wildlings because they were “born on the wrong side of the wall” but he also has to honor his vows as a brother of the night watch. This episode ends with Jon showing mercy for the leader of the Wildlings who is being burnt at the stake for refusing to bow to Stannis Barathan’s wishes.
And now here’s some fast stats about Season 5 Episode 1:
- Butts shown: 3
- Time before unnecessary boobs were shown: 13 mins 43 seconds
- Run time before someone is killed in a violent and unexpected way: 15 mins 48 seconds
- Minutes I fast forwarded because I CAN NOT watch any scenes with the red woman without having nightmares: 3 minutes
- Creepiest moment of the night:
- How many times I said, “Wait who is that again?” At least 7
- Number of times Jon Snow was a hero: 1, his bow pierces my heart every time.
- Death count: 2, I think I should be semi sad about them but see #6 for my lack of sympathy.
Did you take a break from watching the opening scene of Outlander on a loop to watch GOT Sunday night? What are you most excited about seeing this season? Does anyone have some sort of mnemonic device to help me remember who is who? Let me know in the comments.