I strive to have a wide array of non-gender specific books to choose from, but she almost always picks a Disney Princess book from the page limited pile. While I appreciate their brevity, I hate these books. Each sparsely written book centers around a prince, a party, or something equally asinine and gender stereotypical like ice dancing. Sure, I love ice dancing as much as the next person (not at all), but when that is the only thing the princesses bring to the table I makes me viscerally angry. Here I am reading a short nice bedtime story for my kid when I start to feel my righteous feminist indignation arising. Mommy doesn’t have time for this. My DVR and discount Easter candy wait for no sexist book. So I do what any 21st century mom might do, I make up back stories of careers and higher education for each of the Princesses and ad-lib as I read because, #thatsnormal. In the spirit of confession and generosity, I thought I’d share the stories I’ve come up with over these painfully drawn out bedtimes so that you too can bore your child to sleep.
The guilty parties. Don’t be fooled by those beguiling eyes.
Snow White
Snow White doesn’t only enjoy cleaning and cooking for her men while they’re working the mines. She also has a Masters in Social Work. Those seven men she lives with? Well, they’re actually her clients since she is the director of a home for adults with mental disabilities. Being dopey is apparently a medical condition in the enchanted forest. By the way, all of her clients have legal work permits and the economy is tough so don’t sue her for their dangerous work environment.
Pocahontas
Pocahontas has a dual PhD in environmental science and sustainable agriculture. She once staged a sit in on a giant willow tree that was being cut down to expand a shopping mall. More recently she became the face of the pro-vaccination movement when an article she wrote went viral on social media. She didn’t appreciate the irony of being called viral.
Cinderella
Cinderella is a veterinarian. After years of professional help coming to terms with her own passivity, she now enjoys training therapy pets for other victims of domestic abuse. Not surprisingly, she recently became a silent investor in a pet clothing boutique. Her only vice is a large collection of expensive shoes, but who can blame her?
Belle
Belle is a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. She earned the prize while on assignment embedded with beastly insurgents. Currently she’s writing a tell-all in which she divulges her story of recovery from Stockholm Syndrome. She still enjoys reading and has an impressive collection of vintage clocks and candlesticks.
Merida
Merida is a popular Discrimination Attorney based out of New York. She left her family and social responsibilities in Scotland for an associate position with Gloria Allred during a popular women’s rights case. She has developed quite the media following, but refuses to tame her natural curls in the name of propriety.
Ariel
Ariel had a rough start as she and her young husband battled rumors of forced emancipation after their marriage at only 16. They have stuck together through it all and she’s now a happily married marine biologist. Surprisingly, she is a pescetarian and only eats seafood.
Aurora
Aurora struggled after discovering that the three loving aunts who raised her were essentially kidnappers. After a time of self-discovery, she left a dissatisfying career as a dream interpreter and is now pursuing a career as a professional singer. She participates in medical sleep studies for extra income.
So if you ever find yourself talking to a kid (preferably one you know, stranger danger and all that) about Princesses and feel that indignation start rising just take a breath and remember that they probably can’t read anyway so it’s not technically lying to make up entirely new stories. They’ll thank you for it later, right?
*Hi son, if you’re reading this at sometime in the far future thanks to the Library of Congress’ aggressive approach to archiving digital media, I was kidding.
What careers would you give the other princesses? Make sure to tell me in the comments so I can steal them for story time tonight.
