I. Can’t. Stop. Watching. source
I’m relatively non-confrontational in my day-to-day life. I thrive on the entertainment of other people’s drama, but prefer a quick-witted, snarky remark or look to a more blatant attack. Think a few steps up the class scale from The Jerry Springer show. All of the drama, but less weave pulling and preferably no incest. Thankfully, I am not the only one out there who feels this way because, the good people of the internet and youths everywhere have coined this most perfect form of polite insult as “throwing shade.” Basically, throwing shade is when a person talks trash about someone else in a relatively subtle way while in a public setting. It’s not overt criticism, more like those quick remarks only your sister knew to make about your new dELIA*s outfit just as you were walking into first period. (Shouldn’t have used all the hot water that morning, biotch.) It’s essentially every word that’s ever come out of the Dowager Countess’ mouth on Downton Abbey.
Haters Gonna Hate. source
This must be why I love the when The Bachelor airs its Women Tell All special. It’s the pinnacle of shade. They perch 17 women from the season on weird cocktail glass looking stools and ask them questions about one another. For most of them it’s their last chance at 15 minutes of fame (Aside from their inevitable STD scare on Bachelor in Paradise. Pack your Cipro, ladies.) and they use those 15 minutes to completely skewer one another under the guise of “honesty.” It’s glorious. In honor of these two wonderful hours of television, I’m happy to present the top 4 moments of shade thrown during the Women Tell All.
1. Jacked up Jillian
Come at me, bro.
Somehow this season, Britt weaseled her way into American hearts everywhere with her pink lips and allegedly unwashed hair. She got a huge chunk of this special focused on her and she used it to her full advantage while campaigning for Bachelorette sharing her feelings about the season. She specifically used her time to blame Carly for all of her life’s woes. Seriously, I’m surprised she didn’t blame Carly for the pimple she got on picture day in the 8th grade. I’ve been to an airing of a dating show finale much like this (Okay, it was nothing like this. It was a one season disaster called Cupid but I refused to be ashamed.) so I know they coax audience responses to meet their needs. Even still, the audience seemed firmly entrenched on Team Britt. I love a snarky underdog and dislike crybabies so I’m Team Carly and her inchworm eyebrows all the way.
During their back and forth she said/she said Jillian,our favorite crossfit enthusiast from days past, became VERY disproportionately passionate in her defense of Britt. Host Chris Harrison used this moment to throw some major shade when he said, “Jillian, Jillian, Jillian, Jillian you are a little jacked up” with a half smile on his face. I like to imagine that at that moment he was thinking “Yeah, she’s jacked up…on roids.” and gave him self a little internal high-five. Jillian sat her well-toned booty down and Chris dusted just a little bit of dirt off his shoulder.
What is shade? source
2. Britt’s Revenge
Since the first third of this episode was essentially Britt’s audition tape for The Bachelorette, she had the chance to directly confront Carly with her feelings from throughout the season. Like I said before, I’m team Carly and I have a big ol’ eye roll for Britt’s woe is me routine, but please allow us to proceed because, Britt threw one piece of shade that had me giggling like Chris rolling in an alfalfa field after drinking too much of Pappy’s moonshine. Is that a thing? I’ll be honest, I haven’t spent a lot of time in small rural towns but that seems like a thing. Britt took a deep breath and said with a completely serious face, “Carly, I don’t think you’re a bad person and I don’t want to say that you’re jealous because that’s petty and trite and you’re more intelligent than that. I just feel like the hate for me was like, born out of pain.” Remove the sunglasses ladies, because the weatherman is calling for SHADE.
I don’t even know where to start with breaking this down, because it was just that good. In a few short sentences she called her jealous, petty and trite all while questioning her intelligence and accusing her of acting out of some deep-seated pain of insecurity. PLUS, she managed to say all of that without actually saying any of it at all. It was shady genius. I nearly paused the DVR and observed a moment of silence, but I had like 300 more hours of The Bachelor to watch and this post to write so the moment happened in my head while I fast forwarded through commercials instead. Slow clap for Britt, but Carly redeems herself with this reaction:
Long hair don’t care.
3. Kelsey Gets a Souvenir
The host of The Bachelor, Chris Harrison gets another shout out from me this week which is big because he has basically been invisible the whole season. I like to think that he has been off visiting the exotic date locations without everyone else. In my head he was just like, “Deadwood? Are you kidding me? I’ll be in Tahiti. Call me when you make it to hometowns.” Anyway, it turns out that when you mic the man up and give him the floor he’s good for way more than announcing the final rose for the inebriated and counting impaired. Who would have thought?
My next favorite moment of shady goodness came from him when Kelsey borrowed his silk pocket square to wipe her tears during her interview. He politely removed his stylish pocket square for her to use and she promptly honked her nose into it. It was hilarious and Chris’ clipped response of “it’s yours now” was shadier than a summer in San Francisco. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? He just did, sit down Eminem. Also, Ashley I. reacted like this to the whole scenario which was a real win in my book:
4. Ashley S.
By far the best interview from this special was with Ashley S., a contestant who I would like to say was sent home too early, but she was straight up crazy sauce and was quickly become an insurance liability. Ashley S. is a character. I have no idea if she is acting or off her meds, but she had me rolling. You may remember her from earlier in the season when she waxed poetic about an onion that turned out to be a pomegranate or when she went rogue at the zombie paintball group date. (Wait, zombie paintball group date? What have I been watching? I can’t even pretend to defend those four words. Zombie. Paintball. Group. Date. Sigh…moving on.) During the Women Tell All special Ashley S. was given the chance to explain her behavior and she chose that moment to throw shade at the entire Bachelor franchise when she said, “I was so bored…honestly.” Zing. I love her.
She was so hilarious and off the cuff that Chris Harrison asked her if she would join the cast of Bachelor in Paradise this summer (again, pack protection and I don’t just mean sunscreen). Rather than answer and despite the cheering of her cast mates and the audience, Ashley replied, “It’s so weird.” When Chris asked her what was weird she replied, “Just that we’re on TV.” Truer words have never been spoken.
The special went on to more emotional and serious topics when Chris Soules came out to confront all 17 of his exes, but I wasn’t really interested because he bores me when his shirt is on. Suffice it to say that the entire second half of the episode could have been summed up with the words, “He just wasn’t that into you.” I mean really, what do these women expect? Has anyone ever gone back to an ex after a one-sided breakup and gotten a satisfactory explanation of why things ended? Move on.
I stand by my prediction that Kaitlyn will be the next Bachelorette (no, I don’t read spoilers) and I think I’ll enjoy watching her on camera again. She’s funny and beautiful and I think she’ll give a room full of men a run for their money or at least a run for the money ABC will try to convince us they have. Also, next week is the 3 hour finale in which Chris Soules will finally choose between Becca and Whitney. Both women will meet his family and then one of them gets a proposal while the other gets the world’s longest limo ride back to Des Moines. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to recap all of the drama or at least the bit of drama that I feel like rehashing, it is 3 hours after all, help a girl out.
Allow me to leave you by throwing just a touch of shade of my own. At the end of the episode Chris Harrison announced that he has written a romance novel that will be releasing in May. This is not a drill. The host of The Bachelor has thrown his hat into the ring with a novel titled, The Perfect Letter. I could never lie about something so profoundly hilarious and hereby promise to read and review this book the moment it releases, assuming I can even get a copy because it’s sure to be a best seller.
Did I miss your favorite moment of shade? Are you looking forward to the finale or are you just to finally having your Monday night’s back?
Read all of our Bachelor coverage at That’s Normal
