This episode, Chris Soules had to decided between wants-to-get-married-and-have-babies-immediately Whitney and happens-to-be-a-virgin-but-also-is-generally-boring Becca. (I clearly have a knack for snappy nicknames.) How was he ever going to decide between the two beautiful blondes? For the record, I called that these two would be the last women standing. I have this totally made up foolproof theory that men tend to marry women who remind them of their moms/sisters and both Becca and Whitney would fit seamlessly into a Soules family photo. It’s not creepy, it’s made up science and if made up science is good enough for the Duggars it’s good enough for you.
Eeny. Meeny. Miney. Mow my corn field. source
As I was anticipating this episode I was reminded of one of my favorite teen movies circa 1999, Never Been Kissed, because #thatsnormal. Clearly, Chris Soules doesn’t share the whole never been kissed problem with Josie Grossy. I’m pretty sure he kissed like 25/30 of the contestants this season plus a couple of monkeys in Bali, but more power to him; the more kissing he did the less of his asthmatic giggling we had to hear. Anyway, in Drew Barrymore’s epic teen romance they picked the prom theme “Famous Couples Throughout History.” I’m pretty sure my prom theme was “One in a Million” (RIP Aaliyah) so I was mad jealous of their creativity although, do people really dress up for prom like it’s Halloween? Where were the sequins and lucite heels? Since this is my post and I still have a thing for Michael Vartan <sigh> I thought I’d put my own spin on that theme and recap the final episode by comparing the remaining couples to famous love triangles throughout history. I won’t even throw Alpo at them after. (Seriously, watch the movie. It’s a classic.)
“You so do not deserve to be prom queen!” Yes, that’s Jessica Alba. I’m not kidding, watch the movie. source
If you haven’t seen the finale: 1) Good for you! You have a life. 2) Spoilers ahead.
A Royal Love Triangle
The first third of the final episode was dedicated to the classic meet the parents moment that all potential spouses experience. The difference being that Chris’ family met two different women on consecutive days and Chris was “falling in love” with both of them. First up was Whitney and girlfriend poured it on THICK. She came out swinging for the fences telling the family that she is head-over-heels in love with Chris and ready to move to Iowa and have his babies. She was campaigning like a sophomore for class president. Soda machines in every hallway and no homework for all! Just like those 15 year-old voters, the Soules family ate it up. They seemed to really connect to Whitney and were probably helping her pick out paint colors for the nursery before she went home. She nailed it.
Whitney, is that you? source
I almost felt bad for Becca having to show up the next day after Whitney’s successful stump speech, but I really can’t shake the feeling that Chris was seriously into Becca. Plus, I love when people are shamelessly placed in awkward positions for my entertainment so I can’t feel that bad. Unlike Whitney, Becca admitted to the Soules family that she isn’t quite in love yet despite dating Chris for like 8 weeks at the same time as a bunch of other women. She’s also not sure when she’ll be ready to give up her entire life in San Diego to live in Chris’ hometown (population 429 at last count). I’m pretty sure I stood in line with more people for the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn than live in the entire city limits of Arlington, Iowa. #EGBTT
This whole meet the family situation reminded me of a great love triangle from recent history: Prince Charles and Princess Diana/Duchess Camilla. In this situation, Whitney is Princess Diana. The Soules family love her. The matriarch (Queen Elizabeth/Chris’ mom obvs) approves of her and thinks she’ll produce good heirs for the corn laden throne. She is an easy fit since she already lives in the Midwest and best of all, she is ready to get married in a big puffy gown and have babies, pronto. Meanwhile, I feel like Becca is Camilla Bowles Parker in this situation. Chris is into Becca. He knows she’s not the safe choice or the popular choice, but the heart wants what the heart wants and in the vein of my argument, Charles wanted Camilla, BAD. Unfortunately for Charles (but fortunately for us, hellooo Prince Harry) he was swayed by his family’s desires and I can’t help but think that Chris was as well. Note for future Bachelor contestants everywhere: Win over the big sisters and you’re in! Also, I really hope things turn out better for Whitney than they did for Princess Di, but I wouldn’t mind seeing a tabloid article in 20 years saying that Chris ends up with Becca. Although if that tabloid mentions the status of Becca’s virginity at the age of 50 I’ll burn the place down.
A Hunger Games Love Triangle
After Chris was done introducing his potential soulmate(s) to his family, he spent a little more one-on-one time with each of them. He had a really big decision coming up and it was only fair that each of the couples get a romantic date to really sit down and talk about their futures together. Did I say romantic date? I meant a couple of hours holed up in a hotel in Dubuque. Seriously. This is the most realistic depiction of dating I’ve ever seen on the Bachelor. Did they order room service, lament the absence of their DVR and look up the hotel’s rating on a bedbug registry? Because that’s what I do on romantic weekends with my husband.
First up was Chris’ time with Becca in the Al Capone suite (nothing says romance like Al Capone). They basically spent a few hours having terrible communication while Becca tried to explain to Chris that she’s just not that into small town life. Honestly, I really came to like Becca these last few episodes. I feel like she knows who she is and is comfortable being honest with herself and others about what she’s thinking regardless of if it’s the answer they want to hear. However, I think the moment she said she just wasn’t sure that small town life in Iowa was for her was the nail in her proverbial Bachelor coffin. In normal dating situations I would be upset with how closed off Chris is to moving or compromising, but his is a unique situation in that his job is the land and the land doesn’t move. There was no reason to think that Becca wouldn’t come around to small town life eventually, but Chris has been very insecure about his hometown all season so I really think that her refusal to say she’d give up everything for him without being further into a relationship (which I totally support and understand) was a deal breaker. I think he really liked her, maybe loved her, but was too scared of ending up alone at the end of the day. I mean, there can only be so many people on match.com in Arlington.
Sorry Chris, but I really like being able to buy tampons without driving 30 miles away.
Meanwhile, Chris took Whitney home to visit his farm and see his house before they ended up at the hotel to talk. Seriously, I don’t think Whitney even took a breath during the entire date. She spoke nonstop. I hope Chris doesn’t value the peace and quiet of country life too much because home girl is a chatterbox. Like he won’t ever need a scarecrow. He can just take an evening stroll with Whitney once in a while and let her baby-voice scare off every pest in a 40 acre radius. Actually, that might be a point in her favor. Once again Whitney gave the hard sell. You can’t say she didn’t give it her all. If Chris was left wondering where Becca stood he definitely knew that Whitney had basically scratched the initials of their unborn children into the foundation of his house.
Real text convo between my sister and me during Whitney’s date. Yes, we are named Heidi and Hilary. It’s adorable.
These dates reminded me of the popular love triangle between Katniss and Peeta/Gale in The Hunger Games. In this situation Chris is clearly Katniss while Becca is Gale and Whitney is Peeta. Katniss likes Gale. Katniss thinks Gale is hot. Katniss didn’t even notice Peeta existed for most of her life. Then, they got stuck in a life or death situation and Peeta made Katniss feel safe and secure until he weaseled his bread wielding self into her heart and kicked Gale to the curb. Similarly, Chris likes Becca. He thinks she’s hot, but Whitney makes his feel safe and just may have made the decision for him by being confident enough in their relationship for the two of them. Plus, Whitney is ready to give everything up while Becca wants to keep fighting the Capitol…or something like that. Sometimes the best decision is the easiest decision. Do I think Whitney Peeta is completely annoying and that Katniss made the wrong choice? YES. But, I’m sure Gale is just fine getting down his bad self in the other districts. Plus, Katniss takes herself way too seriously. I’m looking at you Chris.
BURN. source
A Mr. and Mrs.(s) Smith Love Triangle
The end of the final episode was drawing near which meant it was time to pick out an engagement ring and, oh yeah, a bride. Neil Lane showed up with his cache of diamonds looking totally disappointed to be in a hotel in Dubuque. His flawless spray tan was wasted on bad hotel lighting. The women of this season can commiserate. Since this is my last post about The Bachelor this season let me just say one more time that I hope the show was well compensated by the Iowa state tourism board because, they basically never left its borders. I feel like I could successfully complete a fourth grade project about the State of Iowa using only this season as my frame of reference. Maybe next season they can teach us about Canada, since my knowledge of Canadian geography is rusty. Hey guys, I think I just closed our country’s education gap.
The time had come, Chris stood at the end of the aisle in the barn where “he raised his first pig” and waited for the first limo of doom to arrive. Yes you read that right, the barn where he raised his first pig. Those pigs must have had pinterest because that was the best-decorated barn I’ve even seen. I kept imagining Chris looking around thinking “So, who is removing all of these chandeliers later? I have a harvest to get to.” The first limo pulled up and every fan of the show knows that almost always means the big breakup is about to happen. Sure enough, out stepped Lisa Marie Presley Becca in a red velvet gown and that’s all she wrote. Chris broke the news to her and she took it very well. In fact, she almost seemed relieved to have the decision off of her back. That meant that the next limo to arrive delivered Whitney who walked down the hopefully-scrubbed-of-manure aisle in a black velvet gown (was Mrs. Claus styling the finale?) to meet the man of her dreams. No literally, Chris’ mom said that Chris was Whitney’s dream and my soul died just a little. Your partner should certainly be part of your dream, but making a person your whole life’s dream is only setting yourself up for disappointment. #LeanIn Whitney!
Whitney had a mini-stroke imagining all the healthy sperm she was going to harvest.
In the end, Chris got down on one knee, proposing to Whitney with a huge diamond engagement ring which she gleefully accepted. He told her he loved her, but I really didn’t find it very convincing. It seemed like it would have been more believable if he said, “I really want and am looking forward to loving you someday in the future after I get to know you better.” But this is The Bachelor. Actually, that would be the best season of The Bachelor yet! We could call it The Honest Bachelor and hook all the contestants up to shock collars that went off when a half-truth is detected. Call me ABC, I’ll be very fair in negotiations.
The final decision Chris came to reminded me of perhaps the greatest love triangle in recent history, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston. Clearly Chris is Brad, Becca is Jen and Whitney is Angelina. Brad Pitt had so much that he wanted with Jen. She was beautiful, successful, had great hair and a beach house. But, Angelina had all of that plus a kid and the promise of a huge family that she’d let draw all over her wedding dress someday. In my completely unauthorized interpretation of their celebrity love lives, Chris Brad chose the promise of stability and family with Whitney Angelina with over the unknown future with Becca Jen. Gosh I’m so good at this. I should be getting paid. Send me your life story and you too can have me completely annihilate it in a celebrity comparison. I’m setting up an Etsy account tonight.
So there you have it! The season is over. Chris has made his choice and may they live happily ever after with their future children of the corn. But wait, that was only 2 hours of footage and we all know The Bachelor never misses the chance to stretch an episode to 3!
That’s right, immediately after the proposal, the After the Final Rose Special aired. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but I was really distracted by Chris Harrison’s terrible suit for this special. Maybe he was inspired by the Al Capone hotel suite, but I wasn’t feeling it. Apparently at some point while I was scowling at the wide pinstripes, Chris Soules spoke with Becca about the end of their relationship. She seemed calm and well adjusted about the whole thing which means it was really boring TV. Then Whitney came out and blinded us with her bling while talking incessantly for the remainder of the special. I think the only time Chris chimed in was when he commented on her combine tractor driving abilities. His face seriously lit up! He apparently likes the idea of his woman driving a tractor, so I hope Whitney looks good in a pair of Carhartts. Hey, does Carhartt make maternity pants?
What’s the over-under on when Neil Lane comes to collect that thing?
What else happened? Well, Jimmy Kimmel came out and presented the couple with a cow name Juan Pablo and then asked them if they were making love regularly (the couple, not the cow). They assured them that they were and I was happy because my secondhand embarrassment was finally firmly engaged. Oh and Chris Harrison made a huge announcement about The Bachelorette. Several of you readers have been speculating with me in the comments and on social media about who we think the next Bachelorette will be. It seemed to be coming down to Kaitlyn or Britt and in the end the producers threw in the towel and picked them both. It wasn’t clear how it would work, but it seemed to me that the male contestants would determine which of the two bachelorettes continued on with the season after the first episode. Lame.
I went on a short twitter rant about the sexist issues I have with this scenario and was quickly informed by a twitter vigilante (keep up the good fight, random stranger) that the same format existed back in 2004 for Byran’s season of The Bachelor. Who is Byran? Exactly. It was a dumb season with a dumb premise and I think the whole thing is dumb. Plus, I really just don’t want to watch Britt’s Minnie Mouse hand gestures for an entire season. I found Kaitlyn’s dirty jokes off-putting at first, but now I love her. Actually, I take it back. I don’t care who is they pick as long as they actually LEAVE THE COUNTRY for dates.
Well that’s it! The season is over! What are you going to do with your Monday nights until The Bachelorette begins? I’ll probably make my family dinner and fold laundry. Just kidding, I’ll catch up on episodes of The Mindy Project and pretend I’m Mindy Kaling’s bff. Until next time, may your spray tans be streak-free and your teeth enamel survive their whitening treatments.
Where does this season rank against past seasons for you? Are you looking forward to The Bachelorette twist? Are you crossing your fingers that Ashley S. finds love on The Bachelor in Paradise?
