With the exception of Carly the professional cruise ship singer, the 11 remaining women (yes, there are still 11 at the beginning of this week’s episode because last week’s was to be continued) aren’t professional musicians. They do, however, have a flair for the dramatic and they definitely have their eye on the prize. Did I forget to mention the prize? Obviously, the golden gramophone is equivalent to the 6 month long relationship (I’m being generous) the lucky winner has to look forward to with our Bachelor, Chris Soules. Plus, just like the Grammys are an honor bestowed on the best recording artists of the year, the bachelor is an honor bestowed on the last lady standing without tan lines after the beach dates start (or something like that).
Golden skin tone. Broad shoulders. They’re basically interchangeable. source
Monday’s episode began with a rose ceremony in Santa Fe and ended with a solo helicopter ride in the South Dakota Badlands. Speaking of, why are the date locations so boring this season? Forget leaving the country; they haven’t even made it past the Mississippi River. Is Kaitlyn in the states on an expired Canadian passport and the producers are afraid she’ll be deported if she tries to leave the U.S.? This is clearly the only explanation; I.C.E. wishes they had my deductive skills.
While in South Dakota, Chris went on a one-on-one date (a.k.a. a normal date like normal people have), a group date and a two-on-one date that was more entertaining than any 15 minutes of television has the right to be. If you got through all two hours of this awkwardness without realizing the close correlation The Bachelor has to the 57th Annual Grammy Awards then please teach me your ways; my brain is a scary place to be. For everyone else, here are my nominations for how The Bachelor is vaguely similar to exactly like the Grammys.
1. Kelsey as Kanye West
Did Beck get old or did I? Don’t answer that. source
Kanye West made headlines again this week when he objected to Beck winning Album of the Year. He appeared to mock his behavior at the 2009 MTV Video Awards by walking on stage as Beck was accepting his award and then turning around before saying anything. It turns out he may not have been kidding, but really who is surprised? This guys has an ego the size of his wife’s derriere (if one were comparing Kim’s rear-end to say…Calista Flockhart’s). Throughout the years he has given us an unending supply of cringe worthy quotes; but Kelsey gave him a run for his copious money in last night’s episode of The Bachelor.
Exhibit A. source
Exhibit B. I rest my case. source
Kelsey went full crazy this episode. She ran the gamut from a (fake?) panic attack, to calling the story of her widowhood “great”, all the way to an stare-down in the desert the likes of which I haven’t seen outside of a John Wayne movie. I don’t think I can accurately describe the level of crazy her craziness achieved. It was beautiful. She really did Kanye proud.
2. Samantha as Jamie Foxx’s 5 year-old Daughter
Hey look, it’s what’s-her-face!
If you’re not sure who Samantha is don’t worry, neither am I. Poor Samantha got less screen time than Chris Soules’ nipples this season. In fact, she was sent home only 15 minutes into this episode, but really she should just be happy to have been invited to the party at all. Kinda like Jamie Foxx’s adorable daughter Annalise. Annalise at 5 years old could negotiate a movie contract while simultaneously styling Jennifer Lawrence for the Oscars at this point. She’s that plugged in. I adore her. I want to be her. Poor Samantha will never be as cool as Annalise. It’s okay, neither will I.
3. Britt as Taylor Swift – Everyone else as Pharrell Williams
If you have seen footage of Taylor Swift from any awards show in the last few years you know that she has mastered the chair dance. She is notorious for dancing and singing along to every act without a care for who is around or how she looks. I’m not sure if it’s endearing or annoying, but it was entertaining this time. Why? Because, Pharrell.
Pharrell is not happy. source
My favorite moment from the Grammys came when the crowd camera captured the look of utter disdain on Pharrell William’s face while watching Taylor Swift act a fool. It is matched only by the look Whitney gave Britt during the group date in Monday’s episode.
I can imagine that glare directed at a certain farmer when he comes home late from judging the local 4H competition.
Britt and Chris have obvious chemistry. He gave her the first impression rose and she gave him the illusion that she wakes up with a full face of makeup on every morning. However, they really need to learn that there is a time and a place for their public displays of affection and that place is not in front of the five other woman you’re simultaneously dating. It’s while on camera for us viewers to judge, duh.
4. Becca as Sam Smith
Sam Smith was the big winner of the 57th Annual Grammy Awards. He racked up 4 wins with his soulful album, most notably Record of the Year and Song of the Year for “Stay with Me.” Quite frankly, I’m not convinced that he and Adele aren’t the same person, but congratulations are due nonetheless. Sam appears to be a perfectly lovely human being much like Becca, the woman Chris took on the one-on-one date this week.
Becca and Chris seemed to really hit it off. He described their date of horseback riding, bottle shooting and a bonfire as “the most easy, most real date” that he has been on. Stop right there. If I were one of the contestants I’d be terrified. Horseback riding and shooting shot guns are his idea of a real date, guys. What happened to sharing a bucket of popcorn and watching a Chris Hemsworth movie? Is that too much to ask?!
They’re so cute, I could die.
Despite his questionable taste in dates, Becca kissed Chris for the first time (yes, he has mauled kissed every woman left on the show at this point) and accepted a rose. I really could have gone either way with Becca until she started making fun of Chris’ laugh. Now I adore her and her subtly snarky ways much as everyone adores Sam Smith for thanking his ex during his acceptance speech. I can’t wait to hear the squeaky laughs of their firstborn child on a future airing of an After the Rose special.
5. Chris, Ashley I. and Kelsey as Kanye, Rihanna and Paul McCartney
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. No, not watching Paul McCartney play backup for perform with Kanye West and Rihanna; the two-on-one date! For those who don’t know, the two-on-one date is a date that starts with two women and the bachelor on a date and (usually) ends with one of the women being left behind in some humiliating manner to hitchhike her way home. It’s horrible and genius and I love every second of it.
Just two women and their prey hanging out on a bed in the middle of the badlands. Nothing to see here.
This time it was Kelsey (our beloved ego-maniac) and Ashley I. of Kardashian lookalike fame vying for Chris’ rose. Both women held nothing back and when I say held nothing back, I mean their tears. There was enough crying during this date to re-hydrate the badlands just like in Fievel Goes West when (SPOILER ALERT) the water tower bursts and Green River blooms with flowers.
While watching this debacle unfold on TV, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the collaboration Kanye, Rihanna and Sir Paul McCartney performed at the Grammys on Sunday. For our purposes Kanye will continue to be represented by crazy-face Kelsey while Rihanna is Ashley I. and the illustrious Paul McCartney is our bachelor Chris.
Paul McCartney is a huge star. HUGE. He was knighted by the Queen of England. Kanye West couldn’t get Queen Bey to show up to his wedding. I don’t even know what to do with that performance; it just made me sad. But whatever, at the end of the day Sir Paul can do anything he wants and ride off into the sunset in his private helicopter. Oh wait, that’s exactly what our bachelor did too. Chris sent BOTH women home without roses and the world rejoiced.
I want the job of taking away the ditched woman’s luggage in full view of the other contestants SO badly. #LifeGoals
Just in case I haven’t convinced you of the interchangeability of the 2015 Grammys and The Bachelor, I’d like to leave you with an apt lyric from Sam Smith’s song of the year: “This ain’t love it’s clear to see. But darling, stay with me.” Oh Sam, that’s what the fantasy suites are for.
Next weekend we get a special two-night event! That’s right, four whole hours of The Bachelor dispersed over two nights. It looks like we’ll be taking a trip home to Iowa and then we’re off to visit a few of the women’s hometowns; so if you don’t have a Valentine on Saturday, things are looking up.
What was your favorite part of this week’s episode? Do you think Kelsey is certifiably crazy or was it just good editing?
