How Being The Bachelor is Like Having a Toddler

Tears were abundant on The Bachelor this week which can only mean one thing, their cycles have synced all eleven remaining women have fallen head over heels in love. The emotions were running so rampant on this episode that it reminded me of how my kids act after a nutritious meal of slurpees and dip’n dots with a side of high fructose corn syrup. (Don’t judge, it’s my desperation speaking.) Thus, it’s only logical to assume that being the Bachelor is great preparation for parenting toddlers.

Episode 5 gave us a glimpse at a new side of Chris Soules. He appears to be emotional, sleep deprived, half in love with the squalling brats and not sure what he was thinking signing up for this. One can only assume that he misses his pre-baby pre-cocktail party body, but I don’t want to put words in his mouth. Basically, he’s 5 weeks into a crash course as a new parent and no caffeine can save him. To celebrate each of those milestone weeks I’ve compiled 5 ways being the bachelor is exactly like having a toddler.

1. Interpreting Baby Talk

When you spend much time around toddlers you quickly have to either a) become fluent in baby talk or b) nod your head a lot and smile while turning on Disney Junior. Why does my son call his blanket “bop”? I don’t know, but it took me 4 weeks of charades to figure it out. It’s like traveling to Paris, refusing to learn any French before you go and then wondering why everyone is so rude to you.

You may remember Megan from last week when she played a game with Chris that involved using his senses but, couldn’t exactly remember how many senses there are. This girl is a goldmine in her production interviews. I don’t know if she’d been hitting the margarita machine, but when she found out they would all be traveling to New Mexico, she excitedly proclaimed that she’s “never been out of the country” and couldn’t figure out “why they called it New Mexico instead of Old Mexico.” During their play date group date she was nervous about water rafting down the Rio Grande because, it could be “full of alligators, dead bodies, who knows.” IN NEW MEXICO. (edit: she may have recently binge watched Breaking Bad, in which case the dead bodies were a realistic concern and I apologize.)

Despite all of her nonsensical ramblings, Chris continues to keep her around and hold relatively meaningful conversations with her. He’ll do just fine if he and Megan go on to reproduce a bushel of future farmers of America.

2. Handling Unwanted Advice

Anyone who has ever wasted a work day on social media has come across at least one of those posts telling parents how everything they’ve ever done is wrong and that they’re ruining their child’s life. If you’re ever questioning if there is good in this world, peruse the comments section on an article about vaccination schedules and you’ll be taking the first available appointment for a tubal ligation. Part of having a toddler is learning to ignore the self-proclaimed experts and trust your instincts.

Chris got some practice with this on his date with Carly. They went to a beautiful ranch house where they had a squirm inducing therapy session with Tizpurah a “love and intimacy mentor.” I don’t know who is planning these dates this season, but I applaud you because they are a wealth of secondhand embarrassment. Tizpurah put the couple through a serious of increasingly disturbing exercises to increase their intimacy. At one point I thought we may actually witness the consummation of their inevitable marriage. Although they were both embarrassed, they plowed through (Can’t. Stop. The. Farming. Metaphors.) and seemed to bond through the experience. If Chris can handle Tizpurah he’ll do just fine with the judgmental old ladies at the local Hy-Vee.

 3. Middle Child Syndrome

If you’ve never heard of middle child syndrome, then you must be a youngest child too busy being your parent’s favorite. Basically, it’s the theory that middle children often feel neglected or left out because their older or younger siblings are so awesome. Can you tell I’m the oldest? I actually don’t have a lot to say about this subject other than that there is a woman on this episode who I legit did not recognize. I had to go to The Bachelor’s website to figure out her name. She hasn’t even been given the courtesy of having her privates censored this season. So…uh…Chris if you ever have multiple children (I’m assuming with one of the other women on this season because really, WHO IS SHE?) make sure you pay attention to the middle one.

 4. Tackling Everyday Activities

Most of parenting a toddler is filled with the day to day tasks like getting them out of bed in the morning, making sure they take naps and giving them baths. Actually, those same tasks could refer to a pet too. (New rule, when you can’t relate to what I’m talking about, pretend I’m referring to your cat or Shih Tzu or something.) This week Chris got plenty of practice with those mundane daily occurrences during his date with Britt.

Their one-on-one date began with Chris waking Britt up in the wee hours of the morning for a hot air balloon ride (write that down; toddlers love balloons). According to the other women in the house, Britt doesn’t shower and sleeps in a full face of makeup. I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe she’s one of those no-poo people and plans to lug a gallon jug of apple cider vinegar around the globe. All I know is that she looks pretty good for being woken up before sunrise.

That’s it. I’m sleeping in full makeup from now on.

As a quick comparison, here is a toddler after waking up before sunrise:

After their sunrise balloon trip, Chris and Britt went back to his hotel for nap time. Man, he really has this whole parenting thing down. Britt told the other girls that they “napped” for about two hours so…way to go Chris! Be careful though, too many of those “naps” and you’ll end up with more than one middle child to ignore.

5. Embracing The End of Privacy

Probably the biggest downside of having a toddler is that you never have alone time unless they’re sleeping. Poor Chris got to feel that pain this week when Kelsey interrupted downtime in his hotel room. One second he was getting dressed for the cocktail party and the next he was sharing his first kiss with Kelsey moments after hearing the story of how she became a widow. How romantic.

Chris handled her intrusion like a champ so I’m sure he won’t miss taking an uninterrupted shower or eating his food without sharing bites. For good measure, Kelsey ended the episode by experiencing some sort of panic attack that left her screaming on the floor. She may have called it a panic attack, but at my house we call it a tantrum. Good luck with that, Chris. I recommend finding a good timeout corner.

Monday’s episode is to be continued next week so we should get double the eliminations and twice the tears. As for having toddlers, I thought the side conversation host Chris Harrison and the bachelor Chris had summed it up perfectly:

What did you think about this week’s episode?

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