In case you hadn’t noticed, the Super Bowl is this weekend. I know this because I live in New England, and New England is playing in the Super Bowl.
It’s Super Bowl XLIX. Really? XLIX! It sounds like a Tayte Hanson movie. If you don’t know who Tayte is, google him. Just don’t do it while at work or at church, unless your boss or choir director is into gay porn. Then google away.
Tayte is great
In the run-up to the Super Bowl, I’m beyond sick of hearing about balls. Balls. Balls. Balls. Inflation. Deflation. “Its not fair!” “It’s cheating!” It’s like listening to your tea party neighbor drone on about the tax burden we place on small business.
Ballghazi. Deflategate. IDontCurrGate.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.
Je Suis Elaine. Balls are confounding.
So instead of balls, let’s talk about bowls. Bowls that are Supahhhhh! You cannot go wrong with FiestaWare for your bowl needs.
I eat a lot of cereal and baked scallops. Don’tbe hatin’.
Also, these nesting Oxo mixing bowls are a necessity.
The most Super of Bowls? No contest. Bread bowl.
So the big BOWL game is Sunday, starting at 6:30 PM on NBC. NBC is the former home of the man who got me through my middle school years: Tom Brokaw.
Who’s competing? It’s the New England Patriots versus the Seattle Seahawks. New England gave us the American Revolution and actual Patriots like John Adams and John Hancock. Independence! America!
Seattle gave us Nordstrom.
Six points to Seattle.
And since I’m currently four Corona’s deep, pretending I’m in St. Kitts and not surrounded by snow, I’m abandoning the idea of a coherent article. This is going to be “Amy’s Random Thoughts About the Super Bowl!” It’s gonna be…wait for it…SUPER.
1) New England Is Wicked Huge
The New England Patriots play in Foxboro, MA, which is west of Boston and smack dab in the middle of a mall. You can watch Tom Brady go long and afterwards celebrate at Bass Pro Shops and Red Robin (yumm!).
New England encompasses a crap ton of states and all of them are currently covered in snow.
Connecticut: Not all of Connecticut is a part of New England. Everything east of Hartford gets in. Everything west of Hartford is Northern New York and full of Giants fans who are too sissy to move to Manahttan.
Rhode Island: The smallest state is the bestest state. Our state drink is coffee milk and our state motto is, “Wake up, stay awesome, go to sleep.”
Massachusetts: A state full of liberal elitist academics, townies, and Massholes. At MA weddings, instead of rice, they throw clam chowder and Noam Chomsky essays. Most important thing you will ever learn while in MA? Yankees Suck.
Never. Gets. Old.
New Hampshire: The Granite State is home to Mt. Washington, the highest peak east of the Mississippi. It’s also home to a lot of crazy dudes with guns who love John McCain. Don’t tread on me, bro!
Vermont: Do you enjoy the medicinal qualities of organic syrup and skiing while breastfeeding? Welcome to Vermont!
Maine: You know how the South has Alabama? Well, we in New England have Maine. God bless the Mainers. Real Housewives of Bangor would be amazing. The fights over bargains at the junkyard! Drunk on blueberry wine! The knitwear!
Lumberjack Show? Signal boost!
2) The NFL Is Problematic
I decided this season to say “EFF the NFL.” I wasn’t going to waste a single Sunday (or Monday or Tuesday or Thursday) watching a game because the NFL is abhorrent. Let me list a few reasons why:
The NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is a liar.
The NFL has a concussion problem.
The NFL has a team whose mascot name is racial epithet.
And before you say, this chick isn’t a real football fan, let me stop you right there. My daddy is a football coach (Division 1-AA). My first words? Wishbone offense. Favorite childhood memory? Having Dad toss me into the air after Doug Flutie threw that Hail Mary pass to push BC past Miami. My favorite book? Jim McMahon’s autobiography. I went to Clemson, home of the Most Exciting 25 Seconds in College Football. I was raised on Hamburger Helper and pigskin. Tami Taylor ain’t got nothing on me.
3) As Bad as the NFL Is…Richard Sherman Is The Best
Richard Sherman is the cornerback for the Seahawks. He has a degree in communcations from Stanford University. Nerd alert! But he’s also foine.
Sherman became pretty famous last season after getting very excited – with a side of smack talk – during a post-game interview with Erin Andrews. Many in the media clutched their pearls and called him a “thug.” Sherman was not having it.
“The only reason it bothers me is because it seems like it’s the accepted way of calling somebody the N-word nowadays. Because they know.”
Sherman rightfully reminded us that when white people beat the shit out of each other on the hockey ice, it’s applauded, as if bloody noses and skull fractures are just part of the game of hockey.
Uh oh, old white men on ESPN and WEEI radio…ya burnt.
Unlike Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, Sherman is a proud feminist. When asked about NFL players’ proclivity towards going to strip clubs, Sherman said this:
I’ve never gone to a strip club and thrown money, so I couldn’t tell you. I guess, uh, trying to understand that there are other avenues and other ways you can make money, that women can do anything they want in this world. You can go out there and be a CEO of a company, you can go out there and like I said, same can be said for kids in the inner city, that the ceiling is limitless and don’t limit yourself to those possibilities and those circumstances. go out there and be a CEO of a company, you can go out there and like I said, same can be said for kids in the inner city, that the ceiling is limitless and don’t limit yourself to those possibilities and those circumstances.
Lean in, ladies. Limitless.
Also, Sherman’s #TBT Twitter game is on point.
Bottom corner. I could eat him up.
4) Official Jerseys Are Never On Trend
I cannot abide by the official team jersey. They are like sex napalm. They are like mom jeans for dudes. I’ve never once been in the Stop n’ Shop and thought, “Holy cow, is that Aaron Hernandez?! Because that dude by the deli is wearing an official #81 Pats jersey and he looks like he could commit murder!”
Always a Don’t.
5) Julian Edelman: Receiving Wide Things
This might be really controversial, but here goes. Chin dimples > lumberjack beards.
But wait! With Patriot Wide Receiver Julian Edelman, you get both.
Katy Perry will be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show. Did you know that Katy makes 30% of her annual income by self-publishing Alien Erotica to amazon.com?
They say, be afraid
You’re not like the others
They don’t understand you
Philip Roth is the major inspiration for my own writing. Who does Katy try to emulate? This:
7) Eat All the Things
The Super Bowl is all about eating as much as you can. Do not waste stomach space on crudites or non-alcholic beverages. If you don’t have a stomach ache by the start of the second quarter, YOU ARE FAILING.
My approved list for Super Bowl Eating:
Fritos and cheese from a jar
Red pepper jelly with cream cheese
Get cookin’ ladies!
Y’all are watching the game, right? For the commercials? For the balls? For the junk food? Or are you boycotting…but still eating all the junk food…while thinking about balls?