Secondhand embarrassment is that feeling you get when you watch someone do something and you feel embarrassed on their behalf. It’s that cringing feeling you get when Khloe Kardashian talks about her camel toe. Oh you’re still pretending you don’t watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Fine, you can look secondhand embarrassment up on Urban Dictionary but beware the inevitable vortex of definitions or you’ll be clearing your browser history and feeling firsthand embarrassment at what you just read. People do what?!?
The Bachelor is the perfect venue for cringe-inducing laughs. My liberal, feminist, bleeding heart can’t deny its love for this show despite its many faults and over the years I haven’t missed a single episode. I’ll re-watch Emma Watson’s UN Speech later to make up for it, but today I’m pleased to share with you my 3 favorite moments of secondhand embarrassment from Monday night’s Bachelor episode.
1. “Stay Classy” Jillian
We all have this friend on our newsfeed. You know the one, the random high school acquaintance that you did a history project with and added as a “friend” in college when your tastes were less discerning. Now they “like” the pictures of your new bedspread on Instagram and flood you with Crossfit memes.
Nothing classier than a fake necklace attached to your muscle shirt
I didn’t cringe when Jillian held Chris captive in the hot tub. I didn’t blink at the farting noises played during said hot tub imprisonment. I didn’t even blush at the black censor box that blurred out Jillian’s reproductive system for half of the episode. But when she flexed her burgeoning Crossfit muscles on screen with the words “Stay Classy” emblazoned across her breasts (pecs?), I died.
2. Prince Farming’s Laugh
Imagine a broken train whistle resounding from the beautiful mouth
I’ve never dated 30 people at once. Okay, so I had a brief stint in college when I went out with 5 different guys in one weekend, but it was 2004 and Hoobastank was popular so no one is perfect. That being said, I can see why Chris, our illustrious bachelor, would utilize the nervous laugh. This guy never stops laughing and this laugh guys, THIS LAUGH. Actually, I don’t think you can even call it a laugh. The word laugh brings to mind hearty guffaws and a manly grin, this thing Chris does can only be called a giggle.
Chris is a gorgeous, well-muscled farming machine. I can imagine him on the cover of a romance novel riding a tractor while a beautiful woman in braided pigtails helps him uh, harvest his crops. Then he smiles this perfect smile, throws back his head and lets out the world’s least manly giggle. This giggle is the strange lovechild of a broken Tickle-Me-Elmo doll and the sound my dog makes when he eats too fast. It whistles, it chimes, it’s utterly disconcerting and my secondhand embarrassment meter cannot take it.
3. Carly The Cruise Ship Singer’s Left Hand
Life is too short for bad eyebrows
Carly is one of those contestants on The Bachelor who sneaks by the first few rose ceremonies without much notice. I don’t know how I missed the sideways apostrophes that are her eyebrows, but I did and I’m sorry. This week Carly wanted one-on-one time with Chris and she wanted it BAD. Badly enough to compete in a “hoedown throwdown” (Note to producers: Hoedown Throwdown is a great working title for this entire season). The throwdown consisted of shucking corn, cracking an egg, milking and drinking a mason jar full of warm goat’s milk straight from the teat, shoveling manure and wrestling a hog. You know, normal farmer’s wife duties.
Carly wasn’t intimidated by Jillian’s Crossfit conditioned thighs scaling the pen ahead of her. She wasn’t distracted by Chris wheezing away like an emphysema laden grandma with a winning BINGO card. No, she stayed the course, milked that goat like the future farmer’s wife she is marketing herself to be and won the showdown by a milk chugging mile. All of this was classic Bachelor embarrassment, hardly worthy of recognition, until Carly and her frowny face eyebrows made this hand movement in describing her victory:
Her direct quote from this scene? “I just kept squeezing the left hand side, the left hand side.”
I can’t wait to see what next week’s episode brings. The preview promised tears, skinny dipping and more neon pink lipstick than you can find backstage at an Ariana Grande concert. That means we’re right on track to be the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever. May the secondhand embarrassment be strong.
Are you watching The Bachelor? What do you think of Farmer Chris?
Read other Bachelor posts on That’s Normal
WRITTEN BY HEIDI
Currently obsessed with watching bad tv, having abrasive political opinions, always being right and getting the biggest laugh. She has a husband, 2.5 kids and a dog. You can probably find an accurate portrayal of her family by Googling “stereotypical white middle class family.” Follower her on Twitter @HeidiRochelle
