Blurtlander is back! Ten things you should know about this recap of Both Sides Now:
1. Yes, I know it’s been weeks since this episode aired.
2. We were really busy.
3. Like we did stuff together, went on vacation, etc.
4. But he finally watched the Outlander mid-season finale LAST NIGHT.
5. I’m surprised he remembered anyone’s name.
6. He forgot a couple.
7. Thanks for being patient.
8. You should read My Top Ten Moments from episode 108.
9. And watch our recap show, Talking Outlander.
10. Blurtlander even makes an appearance.
Without further adieu, the final #blurtlander of 2014.
Me: Do you remember what happened in the last episode?
Him: No, not one bit.
Me: They got married, had sex.
Him: I don’t remember that at all. But how is this episode gonna be awesome if all that was in the last one?
That graphic with the smoke looks like a bent over woman. They did that on purpose.
Like in Lion King.
Claire: What was Frank going through?
Him: Frank don’t currrr.
I wish I had a knife so I could cut somebody.
Wish I had somebody to cut.
Look it’s the Loch Ness. I didn’t know that was in that country.
There’s a phone ringing! It’s the 15th century.
Oh, the 40s. Never mind.
There was no cork in that bottle.
Frank: My expectations were low to begin with …
Him: Why do they have a picture of Jamie?
Me: Frank described him to them. Remember? He saw a man.
Him: Why did the guy look like Jamie?
Me: It *might* be … Jamie’s ghost.
Him: WHAT? That is some bomb ass shit.
Real Quick Dialogue Addendum
Claire: No, this isn’t usual.
Him: You liar.
Is that a pancake?
Those blue eyed seducters.
Hugh Munro and the Amber
Is he deaf?
Or he can’t talk?
Is it his tongue or something?
Is that JELLO?
Looks like a Jello jiggler.
Jamie looks like a hobbit with this shit he’s wearing.
Blurtlander Has Solutions
She could leave him notes.
Is she gonna start doing that eventually?
Leave him carvings in rocks where she knows Frank will find it.
It’s not a biscuit, you little British kid. It’s a cookie.
She could totally carve into those rocks, “HEY I FELL THROUGH TIME, FRANK. I’m definitely not doing someone hotter than you. Be back soon.”
She just needs a stack of post-its or some shit.
“See you in 800 years!”
Actually more like 212.
Look. He’s already screwing that chick.
“Hey, baby. Want some beer nuts?”
She’s def a prostitute.
Sally: It’s what I can do for you.
Him: See? GOD, I’m smart.
They’re gonna rob him. And hurt his booty.
Back with the Dirty Boys
Wonder if they are speaking Gaelic right now, but she understands it.
Remember … like 13th warrior.
She should get it by now.
God, quit talking about the fish, Storytime Steve.
[bad Scottish accent] Here, Claire, take this big knife and cut any dick off that gets near ya. ‘Cept mine.
She’s gonna stop somebody and win Rupert’s favor.
Rupert will still hate her.
Wait. Is the bald guy Rupert?
Did I make that name up?
They’re all drunker than f***.
IDEK why they’re laughing. Because he said, “See that shot?”
Yeah, they’re gonna rob and rape him.
He’s got a gun.
Or a dildo.
He’s got a mini pocket dildo that he’s hitting them with!
OH LOOK. He’s connected with Black Jack. I see you.
You old pussy willow.
Why are they talking about the Nazis like this is Indiana Jones?
Don’t drink it, Indy! Spit it out!
Sherlock Holmes. That book is like 5 years old at this point.
That’s What Blurtlander Said
She’s gonna stab him!
Surely she already knows this stuff.
I would say her being a nurse, she would know better than them, how to kill somebody.
Cut their wiener off. They’ll bleed out.
Well, they’ll cry first, then bleed out.
Frank’s Doing a Little Light Packing
Hope he doesn’t find her vibrator in there. That would be embarrassing for Absent Claire.
Did they even have AA batteries back then?
Well he just pulls a tit right out, doesn’t he?
Guess he just pulls his dick right on out too.
She’s got a knife. It’s ok.
Where’s Dougal when they need him?
She better f***ing stab him.
There we go. That’s the Jamie I miss. Cut a motherf***er.
Ok, put your tit away now.
That looks like the Big Boy from Shoneys.
Look at him!
[baby voice] Hey, Big Boy!
(I found it odd that he never once asked who Roger was or why there was a kid there.)
Basically, there is chest exposure
Dougal is gonna care that he killed someone.
I can see her nipple.
Is he saying those guys were Horrocks?
Her nipple is Still. Right. There.
Is Jamie ok with little Willie seeing her boobs?
I don’t think he would be.
Why is he leaving her suitcase?
In case she comes back?
That means he BELIEVES.
Um, I know a green screen when I see one.
Back at Craigh Na Dun
Look there’s Claire on a motorcycle.
Good lord they are gonna die. SLOW DOWN.
Thank God. ‘Bout fucking time you did something, Frank.
This ain’t Overboard where you just leave your wife at the hospital.
Who cares about your internal struggles, Claire? When you’re traveling through time, you can do whatever you want.
Well, f***ing run to it.
They’re gonna be there at the exact same time.
He’s gonna pull her through.
And she’s gonna be pregnant with a little red head.
A little ginger.
Little ginger muffin.
Someone’s gonna stop her. Or shoot her.
Those rocks don’t even look real.
Look at all those cow patties.
Jesus, Claire. Run a little faster please.
Frank is hurting. For a squirtin’.
Someone’s gonna tackle her.
Aw, it’s over.
Oh, it’s not.
Touch the rock, go back and save her, Frank!
Just like a typical man. Just walking out.
Black Jack’s Back ALRIGHT (never gets old)
It’s got to be so weird, talking to her husband. But not.
That reminds me of that singing movie. The chair.
Who’s the Duke of Sandringham?
This duchess is dead, Claire. Come on.
Why don’t she just cut that fool?
Hope she put the razor blades in her vagina.
Jamie Shows Up
Gotta wait 8 months for this bs to conclude?
I’m just gonna make up my own story.
“And he cut her nipple off. The End”
His Final Thoughts
I think she’s dreaming, Jamie’s not really there. Because he would just shoot him.
April Effing 4th. That’s 6 months.
We could make and have a baby by then*.
*He knows how long it takes. We made two of them.
Well, there you have it. Yes, he knows how long it takes to gestate a child. We made two of them. I have high hopes for the return of blurtlander after the hiatus. In the meantime, we will be bingewatching Penny Dreadful and Masters of Sex, so you might get some Stuff My Husband Says … on those shows.