As any Outlander who recently invaded Edinburgh can tell you, there are a number of Outlander themed tours available that boast an array of castles, crofters cottages and clan lore. These are all fabulously informational and educational, but how about a tour for those who want to experience the real Scotland? A tour that knows how the TN Outlander ladies roll? After a day slogging around 200 year old death traps, we want to spend our nights living the JAMMF lifestyle: whisky, war and waterweed baby!
In that spirit, we have created the TN guide to travel: Scotland. That’s right! Susan n Katy Grace are totes going to Scotland! Because there aren’t two people more likely to get arrested for being overly handsy enjoy a lovely tour of Bonny Scotland’s lovely burns, and craighs and lochs. Pretty sure many Outlander Fans have been wanting to go raise holy hell as well, but just didn’t know where to start. We got ya. And you can come with us too, if you like (seriously, it’s on Susan – I stole her credit card). Someone must have sent word ahead to the higher ups, cause Scottish Culture Secretary, Fiona Hyslop said: “2014 is set to be an exciting and historic year…(in) Scotland’s culture and heritage” Oh, Fi. You have no idea! And Fi? You may want to add “rethinking our willingness to host lady tourists” to your list of 2014 highlights.
Scotland will say…
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Reasons to visit
Now, we all know that visiting the land where the men are large and their dirks are larger is gonna be WAAAAAYY more fun without spouses and kids. Sorry, but it’s true. This is not a family event. Children would be scarred for life and husbands would be filing papers. In fact, if your significant other is anything like ours, he/she has insinuated that any tickets purchased for Outlander-related travel might as well be one-way. That in mind, we’ve compiled a handy list of excuses to present to should you need a reason to escape to Scotland solo:
Emergency bannockectomy: Chances are no one in your circle knows what in the flying fuck a bannock is, so this is a good go-to for those who need a medical sounding excuse for their trip. Notes from Dr. Claire Randall Fraser justifying your ‘procedure’ can be provided for a small fee.
Barrathon Half Marathon: Make your trip sound like some kind of good-hearted charity excursion by “running a marathon.” Bonus: THIS IS A REAL THING. Yes! Naked half marathon here I come! Now, some have pointed out that the name refers to the location of the race, not the required attire, but my feeling is: marathons are what you make them. So naked it is my friends. Arrest #1 in the bag!
Don’t ask don’t tell: If all else fails, do what Susan does. I like to pretend that my Momma (I don’t call her that in RL, only when she gives me fake advice) told me this: The secret to a good marriage is not telling your husband anything until absolutely necessary or required by law. So don’t tell him until right before you leave and hope that he has had a chance to cool off and doesn’t change the locks while you’re gone. Actually, I think I’m going to tell him I WON a trip to Scotland and put everything on that credit card he doesn’t know I have. (which she actually doesn’t have ‘cuz I stole it. Bwahahahahaha!)
Pre-trip planning
Training: Build up your alcohol tolerance because you’ll be drinking beer for breakfast, easing into whisky by about 10am, and ending your day with a healthy dose of Rhenish. Also build up your cardio for running from police, pub crawls (crawling is harder than it looks), dry heaves (it’s all in the abs) and for the highland dance and sheep shearing competitions that we will no doubt inadvertently enter.
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And 1 and 2 and lift and drink!
What to pack:
Well, to start off, Susan wanted to wear this:
I figured we should represent with Scottish designers, a la Kate Middleton. Katy shut it down, though. Not waterproof, too visible in a crowd, takes up too much room in stolen getaway vehicle. All valid points.
Wardrobe Plan B: We have it on good authority that Scotland’s climate is perfect for a ‘just socks’ wardrobe. Don’t bog yourself down with all those space consuming ‘shirts’ and ‘underwear.’ When in Scotland, people! You may ask “Do the socks have to match?” To which we say “Hells no!” You will only be wearing one at any given time, so channel your inner Dobby and bring your most astounding array of tartan, novelty and holiday themed socks, and prepare to be kissed all over by the highland breezes. And just so we don’t all show up wearing the same sock (embarrassing!), here’s what Susan and I are planning to wear :
What to see:
Susan consulted a couple of websites and there were quite a few suggestions of thing not to miss. Highlights:
- The island of Eigg and it’s neighbor, Rum. You just need to bring your own cream and vanilla for a tasty nog.
- Islay: 7 whisky distilleries on one Island. It’s amazing that anyone gets anything done. Hence the name: I’s lay (around all day in a drunken stupor)?
- Jarlshof, Shetland: Viking remains!! What are the chances of stumbling over this guy
when he looked like this:
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- Pubs: This was seriously on the what to do in Scotland list. You had us at Pubs, Scotland. You had us at Pubs.
These are all well and good, but a) no Outlander Attractions and 2) Do any of these things get us within five feet of Sam Heughan? Not unless he’s craving eggnog.
Here are just some the attractions on our tour, guaranteed to give you an ‘up close and personal’* JAMMF experience :
Standing Stones: Hoping Susan’s husband doesn’t mind that she raided his Granny’s family heirlooms for diamonds, cause, if it happens, it happens and we need to be prepared.
Inverness Municipal Jail: Built in 1902, this still-functioning facility is a must see for those who want to experience the desolation of JAMMF’s incarceration, and those detained for aggravated assault (in our defense, we thought”yer fizzog is hoora sexy” meant something different. Our bad). Make sure to wear comfortable shoes and one sensible sock. Treasured souvenirs include an official Inverness prison snow globe and prison tattoos inked with a mixture of whiskey, graphite and urine.
Munro Bagging: Yessssssssss! We don’t know what this is, but it sounds dir-tay! We’re imagining some kind of kink and whiskey drenched free for all involving sheep fat, pubic hair and some activities a person could still be arrested for in 13 states for even thinking about! Sign us up! Then let’s dress up in our sluttiest sock, head over to the local tourism office and let the bagging commence!
Wait – what? Munro Bagging actually refers to climbing up big hills around Scotland? Really? And just to be clear: ‘hills’ is a euphemism for this guy, right?:
No? WTF Scotland? W.T.F.
Facetime with Sam Heughan: That’s ultimately what we’re all in this for, amirite? But we have to be wily now that he’s onto us. (thanks a lot Twitter – NOT!) Options: We could all dress up in full highlander regalia and stand outside his flat, but he may not come out before the cops with firehoses arrive. Also we don’t know where he lives. Also we only packed socks. It’s got to be something big. Soooo, we were thinking that we could steal his BAT PLANE to get his attention. You know he has one. That’s the parting gift they give after you do your tour as Batman of the year. It’s got to be easy to find. How many places are there where you can park one, really? He’ll notice it’s gone. Plus Bat Planes are stealthy and comfortably seat seven, so we don’t have to rent a minivan. Or drive on the wrong side of the road.
Don’t know how to fly a bat plane? No sweat – here’s a diagram:
See, it’s just that easy.
As you can see, we’ve got it planned out down to the very last detail. What could possibly go wrong? We are just waiting for our permits to come in as a legit travel company and we can start booking your vacay of a lifetime. Don’t forget to get your shots!
Thinking this for our company motto:
Come to Scotland as upstanding citizen and leave as an outlaw – only free to return when all those with memories of your visit are long dead.
* By ‘up close and personal’ we mean ‘about as close to JAMMF as any random google search would probably get you, but we can totally hook you up with that dude who wanders around Edinburgh singing “It’s Raining Men” in Gaelic’.
**All sales are final
Would you take out Scotland Outlander Tour?
