You might want to recap my previous coverage of Magic Mike, as I tend to make some very odd references without explanation. First, we took Magic Mike to Hogwarts, then discussed who we want in the sequel, then made an attempt at Magic Mike IRL.So, of course the Magic Mike sequel title was announced immediately after my Channing Tatum recap last Friday. But no matter, because it is glorious. Let’s get ready for:
As previously discussed, Magic Mike is no f*cking joke, and its sequel shall be treated with the same degree of candor and intellectual debate as its predecessor. Which brings me to the obvious question: what does XXL refer to?
My fear? That we are entering Magic Mike: The Dark Years. We’ll come upon Mike, still in Tampa, with each arm elbow-deep in a bag of Cheetos.
LOOK AT YOURSELF, MIKE.
I know, I know. Where has the Magic gone?
It’s gone to your ass, thanks to Lord Bitchmort. What started as happy relationship weight turned into Despair Fritos after she obviously left for someone who owned a yacht and bought, not made furniture for a living. In Magic Mike XXL, Mike is forced to audition for a plus-sized strip club, which (as you can imagine) is really more of a fetish place. It gets real weird, you guys. I don’t know how they’re going to give this even an R rating.
I realize this hypothesis wouldn’t make for great box office, so let’s move right to what I think of whenever I hear XXL:
Alright alright alright.
Which brings me to my next point: is OSCAR WINNER Matthew McConaeugheehrehgey too good for XXL?
It seems like Dallas’ story might be over, but I sure hope he returns for some more dance lessons. I’ve never felt closer to a man’s butthole than after the end of this scene (you know what I’m talking about. No pictures exist for a reason.)
In the end, this is all up to the writers. And I’m sure they’ve brought together some of the finest minds in goatee maintenance, chest waxing, and thong design to make sure that—
—wait, WHAT?! Channing Tatum is the one WRITING this thing? There’s no way he wrote the first movie, is there? F*ck, you guys. This might be about Mike’s XXL family, and I CANNOT handle that. Channing, I know you’re a dad and all now, but let’s remember to bring it all back to what’s really important, ok?
What do YOU think XXL refers to? Obviously not penises, you guys. That would be so cliche, which is beyond this team of prolific writers. God, try to think outside the box a little bit.