Hello, fellow Channing slores. I don’t know about you, but it feels like it’s been another long while since we’ve seen much of anything from Mr. Tatum. When the Oscars posted this photo, I thought he had maybe just been holed up with his infant creature somewhere in LA, since he has clearly never taken that sweater off after the thing was born.
BURN THAT SWEATER.
But guess what? He’s got two movies coming out this summer, which means that the promotional machine has begun to churn once again. The only thing I’m confused about is why HIS particular promotional machine seems largely charity-based. Fresh on the heels of the Jupiter Ascending trailer (more on that in a minute), this happened:
First of all, awefd;lsdkfjweoih VERTICAL VIDEO. Second of all, would you even want to receive this? I am massively creeped out. By the fedora, for one. But mostly when he calls me/the cancer-stricken patient “mama” and keeps saying “we love you.” I love that nearly every mention of this story I can find describes the recipient’s reaction as lukewarm at best (because she didn’t get to make out with him, for real). Totally fair, Alisa.
But yes, it was a complete coincidence that he made a personal video for a (dying?) fan soon before this poster was released for Jupiter Ascending, the bleach blonde and eyeliner movie:
I think Julie Miller says it all with “Why does he have a shirt on?”
I don’t know, Julie. I don’t know.
Then the latest trailer was released. Let’s watch together:
Oooh, Channing, you are going to have to come out with some REAL GOOD photo shoots in order for me to suspend disbelief on that accent, bro. Really though, I hope this movie is good. I kind of can’t believe Channing Tatum is leading a Wachowski film, let alone in full Billy Idol gear. I’m in.
Let’s not forget the other masterpiece heading our way this summer:
Sigh. I hate that I’m very excited for this. This is the Channing I remember. Funnier than you’d expect, knows what he’s good at, and is fairly aware that he just has a really dumb looking face on that marble body. I’m READY for #22JS. BRING IT.
Obviously, I am going to see both movies this summer. But I’m getting a little tired of his good-deeds-in-a-fedora shtick. I totally get that tactic for superhero movies, especially when the recipients are kids. But does his sex symbol status (which slips a bit with every fedora+sweater+goatee combination) necessitate making the wishes of women around the world? That’s a surefire way to get real creepy, real fast.
As an alternative, I present:
- Buy a new sweater that doesn’t look like Mr. Rogers went to Venice Beach.
- Stop telling me to watch your wife’s TV show.
- TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
- Release a book of poetry so I can laugh and try to find meaning in your words.
- Find any and all excuses to dance. Someone will film it and it will go viral.
- Release a Magic Mike workout DVD.
Are you paying attention, Chan? UGH I hate that you call yourself that. I’m kidding. I love you. But UGH GOD. You really are the worst sometimes. No shh keep your shirt off. Fine, here is all of my money.