The Idiocy of Makeup

So, I went to the gym yesterday morning. WHERE CAN I COLLECT MY AWARD THANKS. I survived the post-shower obstacle course of avoiding both eye and physical contact with anyone else’s naked parts (why do they have the smallest towels at the gym? You have to choose which area you don’t mind the world seeing. We ladies have TWO, towel people. TWO.) Afterwards, everyone herded themselves to the mirrors for maaaaakeup tiiiiiime!!! And I just realized yet again that this is the dumbest thing. A whole binder full of women, standing in front of mirrors, painting their faces for a half hour before it’s “safe” to show their faces in public.

You guys. Makeup is stupid.

<–Do not waste a perfectly good glass. I could be drinking alcohol out of that! ALCOHOL!

source

First of all, this sh*t takes forever.

Ain’t nobody got time for that. But just kidding, nearly every woman makes time for that.

It can f*ck with your skin.

All that coverup for your I’m-too-old-for-this pimples? It’s making you break out. WELCOME TO THE HELL CYCLE.

It makes us weak.

Ok, that’s a bit dramatic, but it forever perpetuates the “bitches take so long to get ready” stereotype. I was thinking yesterday: what if I went to the gym with some of my male coworkers (HAHA but let’s pretend), and we all planned to to leave at the same time for work? I’d have to stop my workout a good 30 minutes before theirs, AND if I cared more/wasn’t so weirdly close with my coworkers, worry about them seeing my no-makeup face.

For people who wear a LOT of makeup, it seems there’s this constant sense of “wonder what she really looks like.” Why do you think we eat up those “celebrities without makeup” photos? I remember living in fear of getting rained on or otherwise showing my hideous ogre face behind all the makeup I wore in high school. What unnecessary anxiety.

Just for kicks, here’s Jenna Marbles without makeup:

source

And with makeup:

source

It never ends.

I had to buy new mascara the other day, and it was so overwhelming I just wanted to scream at the Maybelline wall in CVS, “TEACH ME HOW TO BE WOMAN.” The branding on this sh*t is revolting. Why do I want my eyelashes to resemble stilettos in any way? Why is it all about how classy a hooker I can be? Also, why is it that the only real difference I’ve noticed between all these options is price and packaging? There are striking similarities between mascara branding and that of vibrators. Rocket? Please. These are my eyeballs.

I am terribly jealous of women who never started wearing makeup in the first place. I feel like their skin has become accustomed to this and looks better as a result. When I take my makeup off, I resemble a naked mole rat for at least 24 hours. I wonder if I’d look more human if I’d just never started wearing any.

This is disgusting:

 

 

source

I’m not trying to be a buzzkill here, makeup can be fun. But it’s fun mostly because we get to pretend we’re a lot hotter than we are, right? Let’s be honest. That in itself is depressing, when it takes so long to put that fake face on. And if I’m going to meet someone (which, oh lord, you guys. So much I can’t say here) I’d much rather him know something close to my real face than reel him in with some stage face and dupe him later. 

So, thank you, ancient Egyptians, for the makeup thing. At least dudes wore it back then, too. Now, I just can’t shake the feeling that makeup is another way for us to hate ourselves. Am I going to stop wearing it? Of course not. I’d look like I hadn’t slept in years.

Wow, that got kinda dark. Sorry guys. Sooo yea, what are your weekend plans? I’m going to put on more makeup than usual because BARS. How bout you?