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I picked up this little novel at Whole Foods the other day, and wanted to share a real quick recap:
That’s right. Prepare yourselves for iPhone photos of magazines, everyone.
Clearly, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is working the media circuit for Don Jon. “Who’s Don Jon?” my coworker asked. THIS is Don Jon:
He included Channing Tatum crying! I can’t quit you, JGL.
Now that we know why in Channing’s name Joseph Gordon-Levitt is on the cover of Men’s Health, let’s dive into the gems I found inside. This experience made me realize that inane ramblings, body dysmorphia, and ridiculously targeted ad campaigns are not the domain of women’s magazines alone! Guys have to deal with this sh*t, too. Let’s just open the front cover and get right to–
No!! What the flying f*ck, James Franco? Why do you have to be such a brooding buzzkill? Ugh, moving on.
Bacon Condoms exist.
In fact, Men’s Health is trying to suggest these are the next big thing. Stop trying to make bacon condoms happen, Men’s Health. I’m pretty sure my mom reads this (that’s normal), so I’m going to stop right there. Well, no. I’m just going to leave this here, actually, and make it 1 billion times worse.
You can tell this is a men’s magazine for MEN because all the photos are really dark and MANLY.
“Let’s get some recipes up in here, but make sure they’re for MEN. Yea, things you can make with a can opener, a shotgun, and your bare hands. If possible, can all the food be things you’d refer to as ‘prey?’ Also, turn off half the studio lights. This isn’t Kinfolk, this is for DUDES.”
There are many male-targeted ads I haven’t seen before. They are hilarious.
Barrons? That you?
Meanwhile, Nautica is still rockin’ that ad campaign from 1992:
Does Men’s Health think that all men have Aspergers?
“If she’s had a hard day, try emotional intimacy.”
There is a “Pinterest for Dudes.”
It consists of porn. It’s porn Pinterest, basically. No, I’m not linking to it here, because there are PORN GIFS, you guys. It is so NSFW that I don’t trust you to not click on it. Yea, you. I know you. You’d click on it! I’m saving you the trouble.
Sidebar: is that really what “Pinterest for Dudes” is? Porn? We don’t think any men like interior design or photography? No? Crap. I’ve made a huge mistake.
Yes, guys really are that fascinated with boobs.
There’s a whole article about how to understand, approach, and generally think about breasts ALL THE TIME because you don’t think about them enough, clearly. Also, thanks for including smaller boobs in this photo (not) #surfboard.
BREAKING: leather jackets are sexy.
I have dirty man habits.
There’s a chance that came out wrong. What I mean is, there’s a section in this issue that goes over “your gross habits you need to break.” It includes texting in the bathroom, poor lens care, never cleaning your coffeemaker, etc. Guys, I think I’m a guy. A gross one, at that.
I understand, you came here for JGL, and I’ve led you on a wild and potentially unfunny goose chase. While I could claim that I “read Men’s Health for the articles,” I took the liberty of finding you some money shots:
There. Are we friends again?
Did you happen to pick up this month’s Men’s Health? No? Weird. What are your favorite magazine stupidities? Is that Barrons? How much money do you think that Nautica model has made since ’95?
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