1. I like Jamie Dornan. I used to watch Once Upon a Time when he was on it, and thought he was very beautiful. Then I binge-watched The Fall and couldn’t stop staring at his sweet, unassuming, serial-killing face.
2. I own a FIRST EDITION Fifty Shades of Grey, from the first printing by the TWCS vanity press, before anyone outside of fanfiction circles had heard of it. Like a hard-to-crack, looks-like-it-was-bound-at-Kinko’s first edition. Not because I love it. Not because I had to have it. But because I read the fanfic and wanted to be able to mock the book on twitter. And I did. That was a beautiful time that I enjoyed immensely. The day we all discovered she changed Jacob Black into a Hispanic named Jose who said, “Dios Mio!” all the time instead of “Sure, sure” was transcendent.
3. I’m not attached to Jamie. He’s not in my top five favorite actors. His career could take a giant dive and I would feel sad for a moment because he has potential. But that’s it.
4. I’m not angry that Fifty Shades is being made into a movie. I find humor in its inevitability. I enjoyed the rumor that the cast was going to be c-level at best because the movie is going to make tons of money regardless, but having a hideous cast is a lovely comeuppance. I wanted them/it to suck. For comedy reasons.
So how do I feel about this news? CONFLICTED.
If those gifs didn’t properly lay it out for you, let me tell you with words. I feel conflicted and bummed out for three reasons:
- I think Jamie Dornan could do better than Christian Grey.
- I wanted someone horrible-looking to play Fifty so we could all dance around the Twific cauldron and cackle.
- And Jamie is SO hot that he’s making me want to see this cesspool of a film, so now I’m ticked.
I’m kind of happy for Jamie. I mean, there is zero doubt that this will be a giant career boost. I’m sure already tons of horny middle aged mom types have started following him on twitter and asked their college-aged daughters to make them some gifs of his shirtless scenes from The Fall.
Here, weirdos. Let your inner goddess merengue to this.
And the more I look at him, the more perfect he is for this role. He could easily have played Edward Cullen. In fact, there are times when he looks so much like Robert Pattinson, my eyes cross. (No doubt that fact makes Icy wet herself).
Rob also enjoys a good burger.
Rob also gives good fidget (and great white-t)
Did you steal this posture directly from Rob?
I also feel really bad for him. I mean, there is a reason no one with any clout has touched this movie and while someone without a lot of clout ran screaming from it. You think Rob Pattinson gets flack for playing something as ridiculous and lame as Edward Cullen? This is that … plus porn. It’s embarrassing.
Just for your potential critical acclaim, nothing more.
But there is no doubt that type casting aside (Christian Grey and Paul Spector, his role as a serial killer on The Fall, are similar in lots of ways, the least of which is creepy ass stalking and control fantasies), I think he will KILL it as Fifty. Evidential proof:
Fifty Needs To Beat Someone Face: “Is that latino kid talking to my newest stalkee again? IS SHE LETTING HIM? I need to beat someone.”
Fifty being mad at breakfast (he’s always mad at breakfast)
Fifty is always getting nekkid so imagine this one backwards
Fifty about to lose it: “Bitch, why are touching my chest?? That’s my no-no zone.”
Fifty being a GD stalker
And yes … even Fifty being sexy
understatement
But no doubt I will like him better when he’s killing people than I will as a sexy billionaire. Even though we kind of wanted him to play another sexy boss. In fact, should we just blame Jamie now for Jamie Dornan getting snatched up? I think so.
But more than anything, I’m just kind of mad at him for making me think that Fifty might actually be hot now. I was all prepared to Mean Girl it to death, but now I’m going to have to admit … Fifty fans have something to look forward to (not the post-marriage Fifty/Ana story because EL James will never “publish” another word ever. But I have those chapters in PDF from 2011 if you want them). But this:
So congrats, Fifty Shades fanwomen. He’s perfect. DAMMIT.
So what do you think? Is this a good trade for Charlie Hunnam? Are you planning to see the movie now? Are you disappointed in Jamie?
