Hey kids! As you are probably aware, many moms are currently re-reading the entire Outlander book series in preparation for the upcoming TV series, and the looming release of Written In My Own Heart’s Blood. As you have no doubt discovered, it is difficult for mommy to be a functioning member of the family during a re-read, and sometimes situations you can’t handle may occur while she is reading and daddy is not around – he may be at work earning money to feed Mommy’s addiction, at the grocery store insuring that you don’t starve, or at a local bar questioning his choice in mates.
Here’s a handy survival guide to help you with some of the more common emergency scenarios that may be encountered around the home. (Warning: Guide contains very obtuse and inscrutable spoilers. Proceed at your own risk)
Survival Guide for Children of Outlander Addicts
Scenario 1:
Your brother was playing “toilet-bowl-flush-race-car-vortex,” and as a result the toilet is clogged with Hot Wheels and overflowing on the bathroom floor. Mommy can’t help because she is at the part in Outlander when Jamie is saving Claire from the witch trial, learning her real identity and trying to decide if she is off her mother-loving rocker.
Procedure:
Step 1: There’s a tree in the backyard. Use it.
Scenario 2:
You and your brother are very hungry, and dinner should have been hours ago. But Mommy is at the part in Voyager where Claire ate the turtle soup and Jamie is having some abstinence-related problems, so you’ll have to feed yourself.
Procedure:
Step 1: Get the hot dogs out of the fridge.
Step 2 As the stove is a very dangerous appliance, you should use the following alternate means for food preparation: Pile up some of the one thousand sticks you brought home from the park because they “really look like a gun.”
Step 3: Stuff some newspaper in the crevices, strike a match and VOILA – indoor campfire!
Step 4: Stick the dogs and some marshmallows on one of the other thousands of sticks stuffed in your closet, and roast them up!
*For added camping authenticity, sing a round or two of “Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts.”
See? Just like in the movies. Just don’t go play on the train tracks
Scenario 3:
Ossified Easter candy is falling from the sky onto your brother’s head like some kind of hellish, gaily-foiled re-enactment of the pivotal scene from Armageddon. Unfortunately, mommy just got to the part in Dragonfly in Amber where Jamie runs into you know who, you know where, after he thought he was, you know, dead.
A. This is not an emergency.
B. Stop pelting your brother with Easter candy..
C. Where did you even find that? Easter was, like, 5 months ago.
Um, Ben Affleck, can you handle this? Mommy’s busy.
Scenario 4:
Your brother did something really annoying, like broke that Lego thing you were building, or said Yu-gi-oh is dumb, or looked at you funny, but Mommy is just reading the scene in The Fiery Cross where Roger is cut down from the tree, and she can’t possibly put the book down until she gets to the point where he ‘says her name.’
Procedure:
Step 1: Don’t retaliate.
Step 2: I’m serious don’t do it.
Step 3: Do not even try it.
Scenario 5:
You retaliated, and now your brother is wounded and writhing on the floor in pain. Mommy would help, but she’s not a doctor, and she is reading the part in ABOSAA when Claire is captive in the woods, and the Bodhrain starts to beat.
Procedure:
Step 1: Check for blood. If he’s bleeding, get him off the carpet for God’s sake! Flesh wounds can be dressed with a Star Wars towel and a little neosporin.
Step 2: Attend to any broken limbs. Look around for something to fashion into a splint. Tinkertoys, Magnatiles and the aforementioned ‘gun-looking sticks’ all make good splints. Campfire roasted hot dogs do not make good splints. They do poorly under bending stresses, and the dog will try to eat the weenies along with the afflicted limb.
Step 3: After splinting the limb with a combination of Lincoln Logs and rubber bands, take Mommy’s bus pass, and hop on the bus that stops at the corner. It goes right past the hospital. Daddy will pick you up from the emergency room on the way home from the office/store/bar.
Also a poor use for hot dogs
Scenario 6:
The house is on fire (most likely as a result of procedures followed in Scenario 2), and Mommy is at that part in Echo where Herself does that thing with you-know-who that she really shouldn’t have, and although she knows what’s coming, mommy.just.can.not.
Procedure:
Step 1: Call daddy at the office/store – oh hell, we all know he’s at the bar – and tell him to come home.
Step 2: Take all of the books out of Mommy’s bookshelf and throw them out the living room window to safety.
Step 3: Run outside. Mommy will be out as soon as she finishes the scene where Rachel says that thing to Young Ian. Or when daddy drags her, coughing and wheezing, out of the house with a charred book clutched in her hand.
Alternate procedure:
Step 1: Run outside.
Step 2: Call 911
Step 3: Tell firefighters to go in and save Mommy’s books.
Step 4: If any firefighters look like this, tell him to go inside and resuscitate mommy:
This guide is also applicable for emergencies related the following parental addictions: Scandal, the Fever series, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Candy Crush Saga. Even if you don’t have children, you may want to post this on the fridge for use by your husband/boyfriend, roommate or dog.
Remember kids, safety first! Unless you’re at the scene in Voyager when Claire is about to walk into the print shop. Then all bets are off!
Written by Katy
Current Obsessions: Outlander. Run-on sentences. Sam Heughan beautifully lit and photographed against a slate blue background. Banjos. Winston Marshall playing the banjo. Orange is the New Black. Alt-J. CVS Receipts on Twitter. Two week old birthday cake, or whatever it is that’s in that container in the fridge.
You may know her from: that time you were at the beach, and it was really crowded. She was the one wearing the blue bathing suit. No, not the brunette, the strawberry-blonde. Follow her on Twitter @katygracesf
