This year I took the big plunge and make a radical life decision! No, I didn’t get married or buy a house or devote my life to some sketchy religion you find weirdos in kaftans prosthelytizing about on Venice Beach. No, in fact I did one better, I bought an Annual Pass to Disneyland in Anaheim, California. I don’t know what made me do it, maybe I was high on post Space Mountain endorphins or was in a diabetic coma after bingeing on mountains of Churros but I jumped head first into the cesspool of the Disney culture and bought a year long pass.
What does this mean? Essentially, I spent a stupid amount of money to get into the park, park my car for “free,” get special access to things (that I know nothing about) and discounts on stuff like food and merchandise. Cause if you know me, my life’s goal has been to wear only Disney-themed clothes as a grown ass adult. The sarcasm is heavy because I’m not the typical Disney freak that most people would associate with doing something like buying a YEAR LONG pass to a theme park based around animated vermin and their friends. But somehow I was sucked in by the sights, the sounds, the smells (the CHURROS!), the happy faces, the cleanliness and the guy dressed as Aladdin (we can’t all be heroes here). In my 10-ish times at the park this year (hey, I’m not the guy who’s been consecutively for 520 something days, no judgement!) if I’m not people watching with friends or pushing Grannies out of the way at the Corn Dog Wagon, I usually end up thinking about how people like me can get the most out of the park. And by “people like me” I mean single, young “professional” adults, who like to wear black and blog about things like vampires and why all people in feather headdresses should be banned from music festivals. Forever.
Thus I’ve created this definitive guide:
Disneyland For Adults!
It mostly involves booze, food, where to make out and avoiding annoying people. It’s the least I could do!
Make Outs
The Little Mermaid– You will see from this list that essentially ALL kiddie rides can make for good make out locations (sorry parents) well, with the exception of the Tea Cups because vomit in your make out buddy’s mouth has never been attractive. Ariel’s ride in California Adventure is a prime example of this — it’s usually deserted during World’s of Color at Night, it’s long and winding and there are no partitions between riders in their shared car, just a safety bar which means maximum make out potential! It’s just a shame that the “Kiss The Girl” vignette doesn’t happen till the end of the ride. Sometimes you just need a little encouragement from Sebastian and Flounder.
Small World – If you can handle the incessant background noise of chipper children from around the world singing about the size of our globe and our subsequent interconnectedness, than this ride is for you. Somewhere between the Great Wall of China and the dancing children of Russia, you are your partner can find out the true meaning of United Nations.
Haunted Mansion – One word: reclining ride cars. One more word: ghostly apparitions. The Haunted Mansion is like the Disneyland equivalent of going to see a scary movie on a first date. Things go bump and boo and are generally scary enough to warrant a hand or thigh grab. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 16 in the last row of the movie theater seeing Scream or you’re 30 something with a date at the park. This time tested trick works anywhere! I’m scared, hold me closer!
Captain EO– DUH. It’s like a big movie theater with about 5 people in it at any given time. If the sight of George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola circa 1983 or the words “Hooter” and “Fuzzball” doesn’t turn you off than this should be a no brainer. Just make sure you leave the 3D glasses off.
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Break Ups
Sure, it’s the self-proclaimed “Happiest Place on Earth” and honestly, it really is most of the time. I have, however, seen a break up or fight go down a time or two cause well, LIFE. If it’s not looking good with you and your beau (or gal), break up early in the day so you can ditch them and hit that Single Rider’s line with zero guilt. You broke up with your significant other, but that doesn’t mean you need to cut your time with the Mouse short and it definitely doesn’t mean you need to wait in any lines for longer than necessary. If you need a quiet spot to tell them “it’s you, it’s definitely not me,” then jump on the Mark Twain Riverboat and head to Tom Swayer Island. You will have plenty of privacy since it’s mostly grandparents and parents with sleeping kids in strollers who have HAD IT with the DLand.
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Food
Food is, admittedly hit or miss and freaking expensive in the parks, but if you’re stuck in Disneyland and can’t get over to California Adventure to eat at a place that serves alcohol (cause why wouldn’t you?) head to the Bengle BBQ where they serve you skewers of asparagus wrapped in bacon (BACON!) but then really, head to California Adventure, doing a day at Disney with all those kids and teens and couples in matching neon shirts and fanny packs practically REQUIRES that you hit up that margarita shack over near Paradise Pier. Which brings us to…
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Booze
Source and awesome round up of drinks in CA
If you’re one of the lucky ones that has a Club 33 membership than you can tank up on a fancy meal and booze while IN Disneyland. The rest of us Plebs, however, will have to do our drinking at California Adventure like real grown ups. My suggestions are as follows:
Wine Tasting – If you’re looking for a #klassy evening in California Adventure (who isn’t?!) then head over to the Wine Country Trattoria where there’s an outside bar set up especially for wine tasting and has surprisingly knowledgable staff who just want to please you. Is there a better comob? Protip: try the Rose.
Margaritas – I already told you about this one. There’s only a “frozen” option which pretty much means there’s like .0007 onces of tequila in it but they WILL salt the rim for you.
Cozy Cone – Nothing says classy adult like purchasing a vodka pomegranate limeade drink in an ORANGE SAFETY CONE and sipping it out of a straw while waiting in (the single riders people!) line for Radiator Springs. Us: Hey kids, look the adults are drinking and driving! Kids: Mommy, I think I saw those people special hugging on the Peter Pan ride!
Bring Mini Bottles – Ok, so maybe this isn’t something we should all talk about publicly but sadly, Mickey has a very light pour and well, at a billion dollars a drink this simply will not do. If you happen to have a supply of mini liquor bottles and your name is Butt Crack Santa (Twilight jokes are still the best!) you might try bringing one in to add to your Safety Cone drink of awesome. This has never been tested and is only a theory I’ve concocted while standing in a long line wanting to strangle some tourists smoking “e-cigarettes” and wearing boot cut jeans with flip flops. Attempt at your own bravery discretion.
Booze Tip – ABOVE ALL: But don’t be a dick. No one likes a sloppy drunk, so when Mickey tells you “you’re drunk, go home” it’s time to reevaluate your decisions. Everyone’s there to have a good time and no one wants to see a sad, crying drunk in mouse ears on the monorail back to the parking lot.
Now that you’re thoroughly sated in ALL ways, it’s time to hit the gift shop for matching Mickey and Minnie sweatshirts. HAHAHAAH Just kidding. Put that money to good use and go to the Tiki Bar at the Disneyland Hotel.
If you play your cards right, you just might end up taking a selfie with David Silver in front of Sleeping Beauty’s (or Cinderella as it is here) castle in matching grey shirts. Oh to dream…
Are you a Disney “Passhole?” What did I leave out or should know about as a single, adult Disney park frequenter? TELL ME!
