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Ok, so that headline is misleading. I’m not about to school you on dressing TO depress, but instead on dressing WHEN depressed. But as that didn’t have the same ring to it nor create any sort of pun, I am keeping the above title due to beautiful alliteration/near rhyme. Note: If you came here seeking a guide on how to depress the general population with your downer visage, please refer back next week for my follow-up piece: Maintaining Your Goth Sensibilities in a Heat Wave: How to Look Like a Bummer in the Summer.
Moving on: I recently experienced a couple not-so-nice events. Firstly, my heart was cracked a bit, in the romantic sense. Not fully broken by any means, but it was stomped on and now it’s bruised and stinging (Ugh, the worst). Secondly, and far more horribly (I feel like an asshole even mentioning these events in tandem), an old friend passed suddenly and unexpectedly. I last saw her five years ago when she was 24 and beautiful and rearin’ to go, and the tragedy of her passing has caused the sort of introspection and heaviness that molds your body to the bed and makes things like showering, eating, and sleeping impossible and trivial. And since the shoulder I want to cry upon is off shrugging and brushing itself off and doing other cool, shoulder-type things without me, I have encountered a serious case of the Sads.
I had my Aha! / Rock-bottom Moment when my best friend came to pick me up for lunch yesterday and I was still wearing the same dress I had worn days before to the funeral. Yep, a limp black dress had been on my bod for over 48 hours, resplendent with Cheez-it crumbs and damp with lingering bed-sweat. The serious side-eye-up-down my BFF gave was enough for me to remember that This Is Not a Good Look, Kids. So, to help drag my own self out of the abyss, I’m gonna let you know what I’m sporting in order to look like my insides are somewhat in order, even though they’re scrambled. And it’s rough, I know, to think about clothes at a time when the most do-able task seems to be lighting up a cigarette and weeping, but dust off that snuggie (or whatever your garment of comfortable shame du jour) and let’s try to get off the bed together, shall we? If you’re super energetic and happy at present, please just go away, as this doesn’t concern you. I’m here for the ones who can’t get it together enough to brush their hair, K? (Just kidding, all this stuff also applies to Normals who want an “Easy Spring Look” or whatever.)
Our goal: To put out minimal effort and look sleek as possible for one striking up permanent residence in the Bell Jar. We’re also gonna keep in mind that restrictive, structured garments are difficult to pull off if you have recently stopped eating Cheez-its or started eating a lot of Cheez-its (ahem) due to emotional turbulence. Everyone does it, y’all. No shame.
As it is spring and skirts/dresses are a giant predictable yawn, sticking to cotton harem-style pants is pretty much where it’s at when you can’t be bothered to shave your legs/look at yourself in the mirror. Not only are they yoga pants in disguise, but you can DIY a pair if your bank account is hurtin’ (not that DIY-ing anything is remotely feasible for me right now. It’s right up there with other hilariously impossible tasks such as “paying my car insurance” or “walking out the front door.”)
Just look at that girl! She’s wearing patterned sweatpants and strappy heels and there is no way you would even remotely consider the possibility that she hasn’t changed her sheets in two weeks! Wouldn’t even cross your mind. Know why? Because her pants look slick, y’all. Go ahead and invest in a pair if you haven’t already, and we will never speak of this again. And a chance for you Normals to shine: If you sew or DIY and aren’t currently emotionally crippled by overwhelming life events, this harem-style pants tutorial appears legit and well illustrated. Go forth and be crafty, those of ye un-scathed and un-sullied.
Though it may sound silly to the untrained depressive, zippers and buttons and laces are overwhelming when all you can manage as far as movement is a listless shuffle. So for footwear, just stick to something you can slip on and off easily. My endorsement goes to a slip on sandal with a wedge (easier to walk in than a traditional heel, trust). The height is necessary to add some sort of legitimacy to the pseudo-sweatpants that you want, nay, REQUIRE, to appear deliberate and hip (barf).
OK, so now we have you in a wedge-sandal-harem-style-pant combo that’s easy as flannel PJs to get into yet looks like You Know What You’re Talking About. And that’s our goal, gang, remember? Onward!
To top off our Uniform de Depression, we could go one of two ways. If you actually have a profession that requires caring incredibly hard about spreadsheets and market progressions and rates of what-have-you (I obviously don’t), I would suggest a pullover floral T. Or anything patterned, really. This manipulates the eye in a Secret Magical Fashion and your boss won’t know you’re wearing the feel-like-equivalent of an old band t-shirt you’ve had since college. And if you’re careful about fabric choice, there’ll be no need for ironing or any of that nonsense. Plus, it’s spring and floral-y prints are everywhere and you can wander into your local clothing retailer and just grab the first thing you see and it will probs be a floral T. Don’t wanna? Ok, try this one from Zara.
Remember the ol’ lady mag trick of wearing patterns to draw the eye away from perceived “ body flaws?” Same idea, except we’re distracting the viewer from our unwashed bod and bad attitude. Genius! But if you are like me and work at home and/or in a profession where you can wear whatever the hell you please, then drag yourself over to the internet and find ya a kimono.
Not only do they feel like your favorite giant sweatshirt from your ex-boyfriend who wore it so much it’s of that lovely soft bendy quality (which you can achieve from washing your clothes in Tri-Sodium Phosphate, found at your local hardware store, without having to put up with a dude for 6+ months. You’re welcome.) but they’re simultaneously breezy and light and feel like a Wizard costume. Draping myself in anything that remotely resembles a blanket and/or anything from a bad fantasy novel is always a win in my book, which may explain why I am totally broke and two of these babies newly reside in my closet. Sacrifices, folks.
For those of you who are here with me in the perma-sads, remember that taking a lap around your apartment or even – GASP — outside can lift the ol’ spirits a bit. And they’ll be lifted even more if you outfit yourself in any of the aforementioned pieces, I promise you. So here’s to looking good all the time. And to Prozac. Let’s definitely do a lap round the neighborhood to that.
Kellyʼs Current Obsessions: Sad bastard poetry (aka bad poetry). Copy-catting Jennifer Herrema’s wardrobe as closely possible, piece by piece, no matter how long it takes and no matter how obnoxious Jennifer would find this lame imitation of bad-assery. Contemplating the cost of surgically fixing her distracting underbite. Michael Pitt’s underbite. Smoking.
You may know her from: Her brief but well-recieved stint as a groupie for several little-known bands in the Lexington, KY area circa 2005, or her wildly popular personal blog, written under a nom de plume (as to not offend the sensibilities of her Ma) that she will only reveal upon strenuous and obscene begging.