So guys, I’m your official Bachelorette correspondant for That’s Normal. I take this responsibility seriously and will do my best to keep the best worst moments of this season forever etched in our memories. So let’s look at the first episode in Des’s douchebag domination quest.
My Top 7 Moments of The Bachelorette Premiere
7. Worst jobs ever.
These guys have jobs you should never publicize when going on the bachelor: Magician and DJ. We all know about that wonderful magician that accidentally made himself disappear during the premiere but did you know that Brad is an “accountant/DJ”? What does that entail exactly? Spinning jams during bank hours? Help me out here Brad.
6. Cinderella and Seagulls.
In case you have a short-term memory problem or didn’t catch any of the 552 similes, metaphors, symbols and allegories, that ABC threw at you. Des is Cinderella and she is going to dominate Prince Charming with her love! How do I know this? Because she said “Cinderella” and “Prince Charming” a total of 73 times, drove up to her new mansion in a broke down Honda (thank you ABC for the terrible sound effects), and chased a flock of seagulls down a beach to show us just how much love she has to give. Note to self, chasing seagulls = true love.
5. Hashtag Harry.
Okay, his name isn’t Harry, it’s Kasey (yes with a K), he made sure I had all the best social media gems of the night. His real winner came in the form of #FantasySuiteFail, I will explain this in all its gloriousness later. But really guy? You’re going give the bachelorette your best hashtags for the night? You’re not looking for fame or attention AT ALL. While my bet is Kasey won’t make it past round 2 or 3, maybe he’ll get a job tweeting for The Bachelor? He has his hashtag game down.
4. Knight in Shining Armor.
I’m actually surprised no one has done this before, but a guy did finally show up in literal armor. Yes, we all get the cute gesture but I think I would have gone with a less realistic recreation of the armor because Diogo could barely get out of the limo and by the time he got to Des he was so over-exerted all I could see was the glare coming off his sweaty face. Maybe not the best first impression dude, but points for keeping the suit on into the cocktail party.
3. Emotional guys make me uncomfortable.
I am all for a sensitive man. But 25 guys on the brink of tears, staring down me and my 19 roses? Not exactly a turn on. What do they put in these guys drinks? I have heard that these rose ceremonies can take until dawn to film so perhaps it is ABC’s genius mixture of hunger, sleep deprivation and cocktails that make these gents all glassy eyed and vulnerable, but it makes me feel icky inside.
Oh Jonathan, one too many cocktails and a possible history of date rape? This horny bachelor tried to get Des into his self-made “fantasy suite”, which consisted of blankets and pillows on the floor of a random room, down a sketchy hallway, not one but FOUR times. His plan? To, I quote, “try to kiss her on the mouth.” He thought this would work because, “I think I’m good looking, my mom thinks I’m good looking.” Sorry Jonathan but your mother isn’t giving out the roses tonight. Jonathan defended himself by saying his “love tank” was full. There are magazines for that buddy! Next time rub one out and don’t have so many mojitos.
There was one clear winner of Monday night’s festivities and that was Brody. Who is Brody you ask? Brody is the five year old son that contestant, Ben, pimped out to make sure Des knew he was a family man and get himself a rose. Ben, I bow down. My ovaries hurt and you win. America may be disappointed in the caliber of men on this season’s show but we have all united in our love for Brody. This kid has a future. Has anyone called Jimmy Kimmel about getting him on The Baby Bachelor? That needs to happen yesterday. I am much more invested in Brody finding true love than his dad, or Des, for that matter. Brody, I love you, want to have cookies and milk with me?
Written by Paige
Paige’s Current Obsessions: Diet coke, Taylor Swift, Vampire Diaries (Damon and Elena), yoga pants, Jeniffer Garner and Ben Affleck, the Kind Campaign, girl crushes (I like boys.), Possessionista, One Piece (my onesie of choice), Kenya, The Voice, Bachelor break-downs, crying to the Les Miz soundtrack, Lil Bub and Scientology conspiracy theories.