Ever have that moment when you’re lying in bed at 1:30 am on your phone because you’ve fallen down a deep dark Instagram/Twitter/Facebook hole stalking people- real life friends or friends of friends or online acquaintances or people you actually don’t really like but still seem to follow online? And you come across those people you can’t believe live and act the way they do on the internet? That was me last week. Actually that’s me at least once per week, but we’ll discuss that problem another time.

But you should be glad I fell into this deep dark Instagram/Twitter/Facebook hole because I emerged a public servant. Inspired by real-life examples of people I know, I bring you our very first That’s Normal Guide: How not to be a douche online. While the examples are all real, none of the pictures I’ve used are actually from the offenders I know. That would be a douchey-move posting pictures of people I know online. It’s MUCH less douchey to talk about people behind their backs & use other people’s pictures as examples. That’s lesson#1- never tell your douchey friends or acquaintances they are douchey to their faces. Do it online in front of thousands of readers. Let’s get started:

How not to be a Douche Online

Know the actual meaning of Blessed

If you get a new Louis Vuitton bag- good for you. I’m not jealous because the thing reminds me of Jessica Simpson, and I think spending the amount of my rent on a bag is gross but it’s your money so you can do what you want (obvious alert)

But do not post a pic of your bag online with the caption or hashtag #blessed

Instagram user: davidextreme86

Maybe you are blessed, I don’t know. But I do know it’s not because of that bag.

If you spend the evening catching up with a long lost friend, a #blessed may be appropriate. If you were sick for a week and a friend came over to clean and bring you dinner then hashtag #blessed all you want.

If you get an expensive bag, a nice car or fancy jewelry, feel free to rock it in public and post a pic online, but choose a more appropriate hashtag like:

• #nomoneyforrentthismonth
• #bonuscheck
• #marriedrich
• #spoiled or
• #creditcarddebt

All of which are still pretty douchey- but at least it’s less douchey than #blessed.

Know the appropriate use of the term “Boss”

The only time it’s appropriate to hashtag #boss is if you are actually referring to your boss. Posting a pic of a palm tree followed by #boss is not appropriate. A picture with you and some honeys (or hotties) from the bar does not need a #boss either. You also cannot “party” like a “boss” unless you are actually partying with your boss. Take for example this:

Instagram user: effed_up_camel

Is douchey. Here are a few appropriate uses of the hashtag #boss: 

• My #boss is looking Finnnneeee today.
• I hate my #boss
• I wish my #boss was as cool as Michael Scott

Understand the limit to the # of tags used on one picture

It’s true, Instagram doesn’t technically limit the number of tags, but it’s an unspoken rule: The more tags there are, the douchier you seem. I know I know, taking your outfit of the day picture is so stressful because you have to do it in the right light, the wind needs to blow in the perfect direction and you only have a limited amount of time before you no longer look picture perfect (and you’d never want your followers to know you don’t always look 100%.) Been there done that.

Plus you’re distracted thinking about all the new hashtags you could come up with for today’s post.. There’s the standards; #ootd, #hot #fancy #werk #instahot plus you can’t forget to tag whatever brands you’re wearing. But then there are the opportunities for real creativity like #diditagain #uhhuh #{insert-city-name}scene #eatyourheartout #fit #fitness #model. It’s SO hard getting it right.

Well here’s a tip: Stop!

Side note: It’s awesome to have sexy pictures taken of yourself. Make a calendar- give it to your man for Christmas. Have one of the artsy photos where you can just make out your curves beyond the soft focus of the lens blown up and hung above your bed… but don’t make a calendar for yourself or hang the photo of you spread eagle with a “Come and get me” face above your bed (I’m not talking to you, former classmate of my sister’s! Please don’t stop because your feed is so.entertaining) 

Keep the outfits of the day coming. I do them occasionally from the bathroom at work (#classy) and I like feeling bad bout myself after seeing your perfection. I think a tag or two is appropriate- I remember one time when I made fun of taggers and tagged the shit out of my post I got a bunch of likes from Middle Eastern men and a few new followers whose profiles promised pictures of big d*cks if I clicked a certain link. So I get that tagging is thing you have to do to get more followers & feel better about yourself on Instagram. And how else are you going to know where to find all the big d*cks? But stop. You look douchey.

Have a little Humility

And don’t hashtag your own pictures with #gorgeous or #hot. If you think you look good BY ALL MEANS post a picture- we love seeing our pretty friends (especially on days when we look TERRIBLE) and if your hair is working for you add a #goodhairday for good measure. If your boobs look fabulous hashtag #boobs but do NOT do this:

Instagram user mathiasreyes

Some appropriate hashtags would be:

• #goodnight
• #sleepytime
• #tunesinbed

Stop talking about your kid’s poop

Okay it’s not douchey-per-say, but it’s really damn annoying. Try to remember back before Junior was born- remembered how much you liked to hear about other kids poop? That’s the amount we like to hear about your kids poop.

I get it- you love him – even the yucky parts. I like him too. I don’t even mind all the pictures you post, although I’d love to see you in them from time to time. But I do not need to hear what Junior called it when he finally went on the potty.

Here’s my main concern, if you continue on this path, Junior could very well end up douchey. See that guy above hash-tagging #hot #babe #cute? His mom talked about poop… just sayin’.

Don’t tag your pictures #OneDirection if they have nothing to do with One Direction

I get WHY you do it. You want people to find you because they are searching the tag. But it’s SO confusing for people like me to see your picture & think “Who are these bitches? Are they dating Harry*? Do they know Louie*? Is it normal how jealous I’m feeling right now!?”

Instagram user sara_ak47

When all I want is to see pictures of Harry, it makes me sad that I have to see teenagers who think lace bandeaus are for anything other than layering.

*Those are their names right?

Well that completes our guide. If you read any of the above & found yourself thinking, “This sounds like me” well, take a cue from Schmidt from new Girl, put a dollar in the douche-jar & get the hell offline!

What did I miss? Are you a online douchey-offender? Add your additions in the comments!