After years of “research” I’m pretty sure I can now say that Nicholas Sparks’ real name is actually Nicolette Sparks because somewhere along the way the man grew a vagina. So either Nicholas is just his pen name and she/he is using all of us to sell this schlock for ticket prices and paperback books sales or this is an elaborate troll on all of lady kind. Now don’t get me wrong, The Notebook and A Walk to Remember were schlocky too but God, we loved them. I mean RYAN.GOSLING, HELLO?! But The Lucky One? No. I have to officially draw the line on this one.
I’ve now seen The Lucky One an embarrassing amount of times because HBO continues to shove it down my throat (read: I’m too lazy to change the channel). I should have trusted myself last summer when I watched this film on an international flight and I hated every minute because it was such a blatant play for the ladies. And yet I keep getting pulled in. Why? Here’s why: The Lucky One is unabashed LADY PORN. And at times even worse, SINGLE MOM PORN.
(even Zefron doesn’t believe this schtick)
Let’s look at the facts here… if some random dude showed up to your farm with a dog, asking for a job and told you he walked across three states because “he likes to walk,” HE IS A HOBO DRIFTER ladies, not a suitable employee. You would call the cops on this man not invite him in, much less introduce him to your nerdy kid and give him a ramshackle home on your property and access to your cars and boats. WTF people?! The cop ex-husband is not actually the bad guy, the leading lady should be listening to him when he calls out Zac Efron’s weird drifter ways around his own SON instead of getting angry! Also, if anyone’s THAT interested in your son… he’s INTERESTED in your son. IfyouknowwhatI’msayin. If this was real life Zac Efron’s character would kill you, make a skin suit out of your grandmother and make your child his “magician’s assistant” before he got caught by your cop ex-husband trying to refill your grandma’s Oxycontin prescription across state lines.
.
Ways The Lucky One is Single Lady Porn
– He hauls bag upon bag of Iams puppy chow and garden mulch, from your vintage truck, in slow mo, for unexplained reasons. Just loading… and unloading… muscles flexing, while you stare at him out the kitchen window.
.
– You end up dry humping on an antique farmhouse chair after you find him in your attic just cleaning out some boxes.
.
– You can wear that straw cowboy hat (a la Liz Limon) that the “cool DJ” gave you at Kiss’s Summer Jam 2003 and he doesn’t mention it as he carries you to the row boat on the banks of the creek near your house while your child watches.
.– Zac Efron looks…. MAYBE 19 in this film and the leading lady, Taylor Schilling, is probably 35. Now don’t get me wrong, this is totally plausible in real life and I’m totally down for it but they look way whacky together on screen, like she’s getting dirty with some high schooler in her boat house after a PTA meeting or something.
.
We know a lot of filmmakers and authors and advertisers pander toward single women but at the worst of times, The Lucky One is Single Mom Porn, meaning Sparks’ is capitalizing on the feelings of the brave women who parent alone every day and who accidentally choose to waste their one night a year out without kids, on this movie. He makes it believable that you could be living in Podunk, USA, not active on Match.com and a strange man could move in to town who just happens to be the perfect father figure. This has never happened to anyone in the history of the world. Don’t tell me you have a have a friend of a friend who this has happened to, because if it did that man is probably behind bars after Chris Hansen busted him as a “Predator.”
Ways The Lucky One is Single Mom Porn
– The guy who works in your dog kennel will not be proficient at piano and agree to accompany your child who plays violin, by the way, at a church service
– The inside of this guy’s shanty will not look like a Pintrest board full of DIY projects OR have a mosquito net over the mattress he got off the side of the road.
– Your ex-husband cannot be the villain and the voice of reason while the hobo drifter shampoos your hair and gives you a pedicure.
– For the moms with custody issues, don’t worry all will be swept away when your ex dies under a shoddy tree house in a moderate rain storm.
If this was real life you’d be dating the legally separated owner of the mechanic shop, who calls those Ms. Valvoline calendars “art” because your mom fixed you up after she got a “good deal” on her “hoses.” Sorry moms, you’re going to have to YouTube tying a tie and let Grand Theft Auto teach your child the birds and the bees like the rest of the single ladies out there because The Lucky One is NOT real life.
Oh and don’t even get me started how this is military single lady porn.
(we don’t know either Zefron)
P.S. I just turned on the TV and guess what’s on HBO? Yup, The Lucky One in both English and Espanol.
Source: Perez Hilton, 1, 2, 3
