There’s no better time to take a good hard look at your Freebie Five, and I’ve been thinking about who gets me all twitterpated and why. Why, why, WHY?! Why am I obsessed with Channing Tatum, even though his eyes are close together and he’s the bro-iest bro out there? (Actually I know why: this GQ article). Likewise, why did I get all giggly watching The Muppets and even fangirl-tweeted Jason Segel a THANK YOU FOR THE MOVIE? (Sidebar: will I never learn from the #drunktweet? For real.)
I had to try to understand why I crush so hard on such wildly different actors/singers/British people, so I decided to graph it out, y’all. BEHOLD:
Hot or Not, Smart or Dumb
(click for ultimate LOLs)
So, we have your “sex idiots” (thank you, 30 Rock) on the upper left, and your more respectable gents on the upper right. I should point out that a)these are my personal rankings and b)I am not into all of them, but many are here for reference purposes.
You’ll notice that some of these guys have two data points: there are many factors that either boost or downgrade my affection. We all know the impact of a personality boost (I blame this for my Jason Segel thing), and the ladyboner-crushing effect of an alligator and Grapes of Wrath getup (ahem, Vanity Fair Croc Rob).
Meanwhile, there are a few outliers to this data set. Namely, Chris Brown is somewhere off the map in the deepest depths of my disgust while the fantasy mutant sexual and emotional being that is JGL+Channing Tatum+Jason Segel is hanging out on the opposite end of the spectrum.
So, what does this say about me? I guess it’s that I like ‘em dumb+hot OR smart+nerdy. Come on, Hollywood. Give us some hybrids! But really, if anyone is developing some genetic technology, wants to discuss a mutant program, and has a lock of JGL’s hair… hit me up.
Where do these guys land on your graph? Do you agree or disagree with some of my data points? Is there an obvious hybrid that I’m missing? What is going ON with that Jesse Eisenberg magician heist movie?!
