What I Think “The Witcher” May Be About, Having No Knowledge On The Subject

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From now until the end of time, anything Henry Cavill is in will be in one of two categories in my brain: “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” and “Projects That Are Not The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” If you’re a fan of his, you’ll be delighted to know that he has two “Projects That Are Not The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” coming up! He was just cast as Sherlock Holmes in Enola Holmes, in which Stranger Things‘ Millie Bobby Brown will play the title character, who is the younger sister of Sherlock and Mycroft. I’m glad that we’re getting a different version of this story and that we’ll undoubtedly get to see Henry sporting lots of houndstooth. 

The other one is The Witcher, an upcoming Netflix original series. The only thing I remembered about it from when it was first announced is that The Witcher is some kind of fantasy video game, and that the wig Henry will be wearing in it is very long and blonde. We get a good look at that long, blonde wig in some official character portraits that were just released, and while we also got some plot details, I decided not to read them because 1) I’m not at all invested, and 2) it’s way more fun to randomly guess what this thing is with almost no context.

The Legolas Malfoy Story

Clearly the most likely option, Geralt spends the entirety of the series traveling across both Middle Earth and Southern England trying to discover his true parentage, and therefore the origin of where he gets his flowing, luxurious locks. What a crossover event.

The Devil Wears Prada 2

Look at that jacket. It’s the kind of thing I’d wear in a heartbeat if I had a chance in hell of pulling it off. The fabric. The fur. Behold Yennefer (that Y is a choice), determined to be the most fierce fashionista in the land. Look at that dagger, she’s not messing around. Anyone who has a more extravagant jacket than her better watch their back.

The Parent Trap Re-Remake

Ciri wants a family, and she’ll do whatever it takes to get one, even if it means pushing Geralt and Yennefer together in increasingly zany ways. 

I’m not at all a gamer. We did have some version of a PlayStation growing up, but one of the only games I can remember my sister and I playing on it was one where Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen got trapped in a mall and you had to complete levels to get out. Dramatic stuff. But I know enough to know that you can find videos of people playing various games on Youtube, which is where I found this. On his show, Conan O’Brian has a segment called “Clueless Gamer,” which is exactly what it sounds like. He has no idea what he’s doing and fumbles his way through them. The ending in particular killed me. What is this story?!

I refuse to watch this series until I get conformation that there will be a sex scene atop a taxidermy unicorn, because otherwise what’s the point? 

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About Jamie W

Jamie W's Current Obsessions: The Man from U.N.C.L.E. The beach. Tom Hiddleston and the rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Buying new books without reading the ones she already has. Harry Potter and The Hunger Games. Trying to buy more than just sweatpants when she goes shopping. Follow her on Twitter @jamiewhitebread

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