Henry Cavill will play the iconic role of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes in Legendary’s “Enola Holmes,” also starring Millie Bobby Brown https://t.co/mQsHGjJ9th pic.twitter.com/eosegm6GLj
— Variety (@Variety) June 29, 2019
The other one is The Witcher, an upcoming Netflix original series. The only thing I remembered about it from when it was first announced is that The Witcher is some kind of fantasy video game, and that the wig Henry will be wearing in it is very long and blonde. We get a good look at that long, blonde wig in some official character portraits that were just released, and while we also got some plot details, I decided not to read them because 1) I’m not at all invested, and 2) it’s way more fun to randomly guess what this thing is with almost no context.
The Legolas Malfoy Story
The worst monsters are the ones we create. pic.twitter.com/OIJeWwCYFK
— The Witcher (@witchernetflix) July 1, 2019
Where we started it all.
@witchernetflix
GERALT IS:
Stoic.
Circumspect.
Balanced.
Fierce.
Soft-and-squishy-in-a-tiny-place-in-his-heart-that-he’ll-never-reveal-until-maybe-the-end-and-even-then-it-will-just-be-a-hint-AND-yes-he-only-carries-one-sword-until-wait-for-it… pic.twitter.com/KKYRPBfE4a— Lauren S. Hissrich (@LHissrich) July 1, 2019
Clearly the most likely option, Geralt spends the entirety of the series traveling across both Middle Earth and Southern England trying to discover his true parentage, and therefore the origin of where he gets his flowing, luxurious locks. What a crossover event.
The Devil Wears Prada 2
Back to where we started! @witchernetflix
YENNEFER IS:
Fiery.
Proud.
Shrewd.
Contradictory.
Seeking-to-fill-a-family-sized-hole-in-her-heart-even-though-she-resents-it-&-swears-she’s-just-fine-on-her-own-but-she-is-not-and-we-love-her-for-being-both-independent-and-vulnerable. pic.twitter.com/YAOVMHgIGX— Lauren S. Hissrich (@LHissrich) July 1, 2019
Look at that jacket. It’s the kind of thing I’d wear in a heartbeat if I had a chance in hell of pulling it off. The fabric. The fur. Behold Yennefer (that Y is a choice), determined to be the most fierce fashionista in the land. Look at that dagger, she’s not messing around. Anyone who has a more extravagant jacket than her better watch their back.
The Parent Trap Re-Remake
CIRI IS:
Resilient.
Relentless.
Brazen.
Growing.
Going-to-change-the-world-and-what-the-hell-is-she-supposed-to-do-except-be-scared-&-bold-&-learn-&-adapt-&-find-a-family-who-can-walk-by-her-side-no-matter-what-and-maybe-just-maybe-teach-her-the-meaning-of-love. @witchernetflix pic.twitter.com/hEgEVvwfSL— Lauren S. Hissrich (@LHissrich) July 1, 2019
Ciri wants a family, and she’ll do whatever it takes to get one, even if it means pushing Geralt and Yennefer together in increasingly zany ways.
I’m not at all a gamer. We did have some version of a PlayStation growing up, but one of the only games I can remember my sister and I playing on it was one where Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen got trapped in a mall and you had to complete levels to get out. Dramatic stuff. But I know enough to know that you can find videos of people playing various games on Youtube, which is where I found this. On his show, Conan O’Brian has a segment called “Clueless Gamer,” which is exactly what it sounds like. He has no idea what he’s doing and fumbles his way through them. The ending in particular killed me. What is this story?!
I refuse to watch this series until I get conformation that there will be a sex scene atop a taxidermy unicorn, because otherwise what’s the point?
