A few weeks ago, Beth, FIXED our MLM problems.
No, she didn’t figure out a way for stay at home moms to make a really great living working 1 hour a day and feel like they are contributing to the family. She didn’t figure out what is IN the Rodan and Fields products that makes eyelashes look so creepy. And she did not figure out how we could all get invited to a monthly Pampered Chef party where we make a delicious homemade pizza and get to enjoy slicing eggs with the deviled egg slicer, using the can opener while not cutting ourselves on the jagged edge AND draining the water from a tuna can using the can drainer because all their products are the best.
Beth figured out how to get out of one of those conversations with a former bff, now involved in an MLM, who slides into your Facebook messages. That’s right, Beth got one of the dreaded “Hey, how ya been?” messages from a friend she was excited to hear from. It was a great friend, someone she just lost touch with- nothing went wrong, it was just LIFE. Her friend asked about her and her husband, she mentioned her kids by name, she acted legitimately interested in what has been going on in Beth’s life, and then….she went in for the kill.
“Have you heard of the product that …. (I dunno. makes your poop purple and sparkly?)? I was wondering if you’d like to get together over coffee so I can tell you about an opportunity that has changed my life.”
It was just an altered variation of the same messages you and I have sitting unread in our inboxes at this very moment.
Beth responded enthusiastically that it was SO great to hear from her. She told her she missed her, that she loved hearing about her life and her kids. She told her what was going on in her family and her life.
And she just ignored the pitch.
It was brilliant.
It was so simple.
I don’t know why we haven’t thought to do it before!
Guys— why are we acknowledging the pitch? What is going to happen when Brittany/Jennifer/Sarah finally responds? Is she going to say, “Sure, I’ll pray for your ailing grandmother. Did you happen to get my message about my purple poop? And how it will change your life AND get you a free (purple) car?”
Let’s be honest, she’s not going to learn a lesson, but unless she’s completely socially inept, she probably won’t mention her pitch again.
This story made me think of all the different ways we could potentially be responding to people who slide into our DMs. Here are a few:
1. The sad story
“Oh, Brenda, It’s so great to hear from you! Do you remember that time you slept over and got snowed in for THREE days at my house in middle school? And how we made brownies with my mom because it’s all we had in the house, and we ate them with homemade snow cones and all watched movies from dawn till dusk? I LOVE that memory. Now that my mom is dead, it’s a memory I think about all the time.
Think Brenda is gonna mention that gummy bear that cleans her gut now?
2. The reminder of why you stopped being friends
Forget what I said about “just life happening” between you and Colleen. It was more than that. That bitch stole your favorite sweater sophomore year and got a stain on it that never came out and she wouldn’t fess up. Remind her of it. See if she asks you to try her MORE NATURAL hair products again.
3. Lavish praises on her insta-perfect life.
Molly’s kids are perfect according to instagram. Even Bill, who was totally balding 10 years ago but suddenly has a full head of hair, is the epitome of a perfect insta husband. This bitch wants you to notice, so notice away. Tell her how much you admire her picture perfect children in their seasonal photo shoot. Tell her how amazing their quaint 5,000 square ft, 5 bedroom 3.5 bath colonial on a picturesque street looks covered in snow.
If she doesn’t get the point and asks for that coffee again, tell her how amazed you are that she was able to find two adorable twin Cavalier King Charles Spaniels from a rescue and how proud of her you are that she adopted and didn’t shop for them.
Let’s see if she tries to pitch you on her cancer-curing oils again.
4. Make up an MLM and pitch it to HER
“THERESA IT’S BEEN FOREVER!!!! I’ve been meaning to message you to ask you one question: What if you could wake up in the morning knowing all your bills are paid whether you roll out of bed, or roll over? What if you could fast track your business and achieve all your dreams (and get a free luxury car!!!!?) Do you want to work just 30 minutes a day and achieve success beyond your wildest imagination? Then PLEASE let’s have coffee. PLEASE have coffee with me. I’m LITERALLY BEGGIN YOU TO HAVE COFFEE WITH ME.”
Yeah… she might not tell you about her “body wraps” made from …coffee…?
It’s time we fight back, MLM haters! WE are the many. THEY are the few. They are just loud, obnoxious and never seem to get a clue…. So let’s help them!
Or if worse comes to worst, just respond with a genuine “I TOTALLY MISS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY” and ignore the pitch like Beth brilliantly did! IT WORKS, unlike body wraps and weird chemicals you put on your eyelashes and hair products with who-the-eff-knows-what in them!
