**Spoilers**
My Girl Myrtle and How The Coven Struck Back
We start out with Myrtle paying a visit to Ms. Venable and her somehow lovable but totally douchy bosses. Ms. Venable isn’t real impressed with Myrtle, as you can imagine, and promptly insults my girl Myrtle’s hair.
When Myrtle said, “My hair is an eternal mystery, never to be fully understood.” Y’all, I FELT THAT. Felt that in my soul.
I’m going to go ahead and just say what’s been on my mind this ENTIRE season, if it weren’t for Myrtle, I would have hated this season. Also, shout out to Myrtle telling Venable that “Purple is for royalty dear, not middle management.” We saw how well implanted that idea must have been inside Venable mind.
So, Myrtle visits Jeff and Mutt and commands them to make space for Coco and “her family” in Outpost Three. Also, if it weren’t for Myrtle literally everyone would still be dead. She’s just that amazing.
Next, Cordelia and Myrtle detail out to Mallory and Coco that they are going to suppress their witch powers and their memories and send them out into the world. They even tell Coco that her family will be purposely kept far away so that they have no hope of making it to the Outpost. Savage. Coco is upset by this but also really upset that her “new” personality is going to be based off of Madison’s. Yikes.
This whole season you really saw a change in Cordelia and the Coven. The scene where Cordelia is blowing the powder in Coco and Mallory’s faces really drives home how cutthroat and savage they have to be in order to ensure they survive.
Madison drives Coco and Mallory to Mr Gallant’s hair salon in LA, that’s when they first become acquainted and Coco meets Brock as well. Madison spots Dinah’s face on a bus and realizes that Dinah sold out the Coven for a TV show. Madison and Myrtle want to kill her immediately, but Cordelia talks them into letting Dinah live and using her later.
We get a flashback of Mallory and Michael facing off together and then Cordelia, Myrtle, and Madison busting out of the ground after the Apocalypse. Which answered one question I had: how did those three survive? Louisiana Swamp Mud.
We go back to Michael and Cordelia arguing right after her, Myrtle and Madison revive Coco, Mallory, and Dinah. Michael claims victory, Dinah doesn’t want to be apart of any of it, and Myrtle laughs at Michael. Dinah claims that Cordelia only raised back from the dead for the power of a VooDoo Queen. Enter: Marie La-MotherFucking-Veau!!
Papa Legba made a deal with Cordelia, Marie’s soul for Dinah’s. Girl, byyeeeee. She probably won’t be as boring in Hell. Probably.
Lots of things happen super fast after Dinah dies. Ms. Mead takes her hand off and goes to shoot up the Witches, again, and Cordelia speaks a few words and Mead blows up. Literally. I wonder how many times Kathy Bates can pull off being a disembodied head and still be a better actress than 98% of Hollywood? The answer so far, is twice.
While Michael is distracted being sung to by Ms Mead’s head, Madison picks up Mead’s arm gun thingy and starts shooting Michael. It didn’t kill him, but it did buy the Witches *some* time.
Lock of Michael’s hair in Mallory’s hand, the remaining Witches take off and leave Madison to watch over Michael’s body. While they race down a hallway, Brock comes out of nowhere and promptly stabs Mallory in the gut.
Myrtle takes exception to that and conjures up a big ol’ ball of fire for Brock to roast in.
Brock’s falling, burning body distracts Madison enough that she realizes Michael has come back around. Michael destroys her head and she dies. I liked Madison this season, she became a cool person, but I still laughed seeing her shocking and b-movie death.
Meanwhile, upstairs, Cordelia is trying to revive Mallory and get her to the tub. Marie and Coco both get killed trying to slow down Michael. And Cordelia realizes the only way that Mallory will be strong enough to survive and save the world is to die. Or as Myrtle says, “It appears as though we’re fucked, my dear.” Love you Myrtle.
See, if Michael had ever met Fiona, he would have never messed with Cordelia. Because while he was taunting her that he was going to kill her, Cordelia looked him dead in the eye and told him he was a “sad, scared, little boy, so pathetic he couldn’t even kill her with a thousand nuclear bombs.” That’s some next level savagery.
Going out, like a true boss, Cordelia tosses out this line and I swear, I about died in it’s perfection, “Satan has one son, but my sisters are Legion, Motherfucker.” Stabbing herself in the chest and falling to her death, Cordelia did what she promised, stole the glory of her death away from Michael and enabled Mallory to rise to the role of Supreme, thus making her powerful enough to heal and perform the Tempus Infinitum spell.
And with that, Mallory time traveled.
Back to the house next to Murder House
We come back to 2015 when Michael killed the priest. This scene bothered me. The reason why is below in my “Unanswered Question List,” but basically, my problem is that this isn’t what Constance did before. So, unless Mallory time traveled, talked to Constance, and then got in the Range Rover and ran Michael over, there is literally no reason why Constance threw him out of the house.
But, surprise, Constance throws him out of the house and Mallory hits him with a Range Rover. Like, three times. It was pretty brutal, and considering the show we’re discussing, that’s saying something. Constance comes out and seemly wants to comfort Michael while he dies, but when he begs her to take him into Murder House so he can be with her forever, Constance, quite literally, tells him to go to Hell. Maybe if he hadn’t just tried to choke her to death prior to getting hit by the car, she may have been feeling slightly better about dragging his evil ass to Murder House.
Back to The Coven, Again
After killing the Anti-Christ, Mallory goes to Coven the way she did before she fiddled with time. She tells Queenie not to go to Hotel Cortez, because traffic in LA is awful. So, Queenie gets to stay alive. Nan brings Misty back to the land of the living because every demon was super happy that Michael was killed. Demons aren’t a fan nepotism. Sadly, Myrtle wasn’t brought back by Cordelia without the threat of Michael. Mallory does talk about going back down to Hell to get Madison back.
So, Happy Ending, Right? Wellllll…..
Flash forward to 2020 and Timothy and Emily (those two weirdo’s with the “perfect” DNA), meet and have a baby. A baby who is angry all the time and killed his babysitter. Oh, and there’s some bird flying above their super hot house…..
And then these three show up….
That’s probably not a good thing.
So, there you have it. The end of season eight. It was a wild ride and we had so many throw-backs and then a good happy ending to a season and then BOOM Ryan Murphy came in and starts destroying the world all over again. Thankfully, I have the perfect gif this moment.
List Of Unanswered Questions:
Who drew the ‘666’ on the bathroom mirror for Timothy to find? Remember, like back in the first episode, when he got out of the shower and saw the ‘666’ and some woman whispered “Beware Timothy?” What happened with that?
How come Constance had a big huge fight with Michael when she saw the dead priest in this timeline after Mallory came back? Shouldn’t everything have happened the same way?
I need to know EXACTLY how time travel works in this AHS universe, because shouldn’t there now *technically* be two Mallory’s hanging out in 2015? She went back to her own timeline, if Doctor Who has taught me anything, it’s that time can be a fixed point, Mallory was ALWAYS going to go to the Coven, so….shouldn’t there be two Mallory’s there?
So, does this mean that Moira is still sadly stuck in Murder House? All that tying up her story to just undo it?
Also, if Queenie never goes to Hotel Cortez, how does that change the events there?
How were Madison, Cordelia, and Myrtle able to travel from Louisiana to Los Angeles during the nuclear winter?
Were Timothy and Emily always set to make an evil spawn of Satan child? Is that what made their DNA perfect?
Who thought that the penis-shaped hair buns were a good look for the “Grays”? This isn’t a super important question that I NEED answered, but someone should have to answer for that hair.
Who the hell was flying the plane in the beginning of the season?! How did the plane stay in the air during a nuclear blast?
