Hey Dumbledore,
I caught you in the Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald trailer that dropped at Comic Con this past weekend. It was the best thing to come out of there this year, and between you and me, that wasn’t the highest bar to clear. I wasn’t all that impressed with anything else, but that’s not to say its superiority was solely by default. This was an unbelievable trailer, and I officially can’t wait for November. Easter Eggs for days! The Elder Wand, Thestrals, your Delumanator, Nicolas freaking Flamel.
Of course the biggest callback to the original Harry Potter series was you, who we see open the trailer by teaching Newt Scamander and his class how to defeat a boggart in a scene that’s almost identical to Lupin teaching Harry’s class in Prisoner of Azkaban. The fact that you once taught Defense Against the Dark Arts is a new revelation, since we’ve always only known you to be a Transfiguration professor. It’s not really the biggest shock, you’re a talented wizard. But I have to say that by the end of this trailer, surprise over the twists and turns of your career path wasn’t the most prominent emotion I had about you. (I’m not even talking about the discomfort of you being hot now, I’ve already covered that.) It was pity. Dumbledore, you need to get your life together buddy.
You tell Newt that he has to be the one to stop Grindelwald, because you “can’t” go up against him yourself. “Can’t” is a strong word. It’s also the wrong one. What you mean is that you won’t. I know that eventually you’re going to get around to defeating Grindelwald once and for all, but that’s not until 1945, decades after this movie takes place. You used to love him, maybe you still do. I get it, that’s a difficult place to be. But good god man, we’re not talking about some random dickhead ex, he’s killing people. It’s time to move on. There are plenty of plimpies in the sea.
I’m with Newt on this one.
Remember when you told Harry in Sorcerer’s Stone that the thing you saw in the Mirror of Erised was a pair of thick woolen socks? Socks, my ass. Fans always assumed that it was something much more complicated that you didn’t feel was appropriate to share with an eleven year old child, but now it’s clear that even a kid that young would have lost respect for you if you had said, “the mass murdering magical equivalent of a Nazi that I used to be in love with.” Might I remind you that your little sister is dead? And that the man who is apparently the deepest and most desperate desire of your heart is part of the reason why? I would have thought maybe you’d see her alive and well, but you do you I guess. (J.K. Rowling, who you’re well acquainted with, suggested some years ago that your family actually was what you saw in the mirror, so I’m hopeful that you may come around eventually.)
No.
Is this why you lost the Defense Against the Dark Arts job? Because when push came to shove and you had the chance to actually defend against dark arts you…didn’t at all? Don’t be like that sad person who checks their ex’s social media accounts for way too long after a breakup. You have a lot of good will built up from a generation of fans who looked up to you their entire childhood, I can’t imagine you want to squander all of that. I’m rooting for you.
Lots of love (and even more concern),
Jamie
