What Happens When a Sci Fi Writer Argues with His Wife?

One day a man and his wife have an argument. In the midst of that argument, their German Shepherd wanders through the room with a designer shoe in his mouth. Enraged, the wife yells several commands at the dog who promptly drops the shoe and slinks away to lick himself. At the end of the argument the husband drops his opinions and slinks away to lick himself, no, wait, lick his wounds. A seed has been planted. Maybe men and dogs have more in common then we thought. When the husband happens to be best selling sci fi author Steve Alten, the seed takes root and gives rise to a “chick lit” novel. Publishing under a pseudonym, maybe to avoid a chick lit stigma or maybe to avoid confusing his fans, Alten uses the name L.A. Knight for the 2014 publication of Dog Training the American Male. These book covers were used for the earliest runs of the book in 2014 and 2016. I approve of both, but I’m having trouble with the term “chick lit.”

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Alten, looking to capitalize on the upcoming summer release of the movie The Meg, based on his first book, has decided to unveil himself as the true author of Dog Training. I guess the dollar is stronger than the shame of writing this genre jumping novel.

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With that reveal, let’s look at what happens when sci fi guy goes rom com. Let’s start with the movie trailer for the sci fi thriller, The Meg.

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, wait, wrong film. I have some questions. Why is there a child at this research station? Why is there an unaccompanied child wandering around this research station? Is no one concerned that she’s gonna press a button causing gallons of water to rush in and drown them all? Why does the lady in the glass bubble seem less afraid of the giant octopus tentacles crushing her protective enclosure and more of afraid when it inks? Or was that blood? Does Jason Statham really think we can take him seriously as a paleontologist because he makes this face?

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I have not read The Meg, so maybe the book is less goofy than the movie looks. We all know stuff changes in the adaptation process. It could be a fun summer flick, good for some laughs, but it’s not going to be the next Jurassic World.

Now the book, Dog Training the American Male, although problematic in print, seems like a good prospect for a film adaptation. Allow me to explain. The premise is a little over the top. Here, see for yourself.

As bad as that book trailer is, the story has a lot of visual comedy that would translate well to film. I would fantasy cast it with Zac Efron as slacker Jacob and Seth Rogan as his older gynecologist brother.

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My biggest issue with the novel is that every character sort of sounds like the same person. No one has a filter in this book. From the main characters to the nurse in the OBGYN office to the cougar chasing Jacob, everyone speaks in almost exactly the same voice. On screen, actors could bring freshness and individuality to each outrageous and outspoken character.

Dog Training the American Male has a number of factual errors. For example, Alten makes a reference to 14 year olds playing little league (the age cut off is 12) and shows a professional dog trainer teaching a dog to walk on his right (dogs are trained to walk on the left except for under very special circumstances). I guess when you write sci fi you are used to making up everything.

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Finally, the book has a very sudden and oddly placed introduction to the ancient study of Kabbalah. You know, the thing where Madonna wears a red string around her wrist. The philosophical points are valid, I just don’t think they belong in this book. I’m pretty sure any film adaptation would just skip that part altogether.

The best thing about Dog Training the American Male is that part of the proceeds from the book benefit Paws 4 Liberty, an organization that places service dogs with veterans at no cost to the recipient. That alone might make it worth reading.

I am not expecting The Meg to be box office gold, but I do however think Dog Training the American Male could be the next successful R-rated raunch fest. It’s kind of like How to Loose a Guy in Ten Days meets The Hangover.