Extinct Animals That Should Get Movies Instead of Dinosaurs

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom comes out this Friday, and for those of you who are fans of that franchise, I’m truly happy. I was awash in the glow of Avengers: Infinity War earlier in the summer and lost my mind over the recent Wonder Woman sequel news. New content in a franchise you love is food for the soul. So I’m not trying to tell anyone that they shouldn’t be excited for the movie when I say this, but: dinosaurs are gross. Regular sized reptiles are disgusting, forget about enormous ones that can kill you. I was the only kid in my elementary school class who never went through that dino fascination phase because I was never able to understand why I should care about these scary animals that weren’t around anymore and hadn’t been for quite some time. I was a super fun kid, as you can imagine.

I have no idea why anyone in the Jurassic Park universe thought bringing dinosaurs back from extinction was a good idea. Is there any way that ends well? I haven’t watched the movies, but I gather from the bits I’ve seen that they’re not exactly household pets. You’d have better luck with almost any other animal. Which finally brings me to the point. If a movie plot must center around bringing an extinct animal back from extinction, there are actually some I’d consider watching.

Dodos

This one is an obvious choice because the dodo is the most famous extinct animal other than dinosaurs due to its inclusion in Alice in Wonderland. I say this as a great lover of birds, but these things were creepy. Not nearly as big as dinosaurs, but I still wouldn’t want it coming after me.

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This movie would probably be the closest in spirit to the Jurassic Park movies. The dodos are back and they are pissed that their good name has now become synonymous with stupidity. They enact their revenge. Unfortunately for them, everyone simply hops up onto something out of their reach and the dodos are screwed because they can’t fly. Dumbasses.

Quaggas

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The quagga was a type of zebra that had brown and white stripes on just the front half of its body, with the back end looking more like a regular horse. These cuties sadly went extinct in 1883, so this movie would be a Victorian era, Frankenstein style story. A female scientist is denied entry into college to study biology because science is NOT FOR THE LADIES, and she decides to take matters into her own hands and reanimate the last quagga, fresh off its recent demise. It goes berserk and wreaks havoc on the city. A dashing police inspector investigates and there’s smoldering romantic tension between him and the scientist. This one generates a lot of smutty fanfiction. Directed by Guillermo del Toro probably.

Christmas Island shrews

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This one is the animated family movie. Christmas is approaching far too quickly, and Santa and his elves aren’t ready! They travel to Christmas Island, where they recruit the gang of wily shrews that live there to help them. (Christmas Island shrews are only possibly extinct because they haven’t been seen in a while, so they’d fit right in with the North Pole crowd.) At least three of your favorite British actors and actresses lend their voices to the movie. The annoying feature song written for it is nominated for an Oscar, but doesn’t win. It becomes the new Minions, and spawns two disappointing sequels.

I just did a ton of work for you Hollywood, so you’re welcome. Now get on it. Until then, enjoy your movie Jurassic World fans!

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