This is part of our series on our hatred of MLMs. Check out the other posts in the series if you, like us, also hate MLMs.

In the “Being a bitch who hates on MLMs like its her full time job” hierarchy, we have

Lowest:

Going to a Pampered Chef party whenever some newlywed invites you and groaning about it to your boyfriend, but then eating a 3rd slice of cooked-on-stoneware-pizza and buying another egg slicer because you can NEVER HAVE ENOUGH OF THEIR AMAZING PRODUCTS.

Low:

Talking to your friend who sells Scentsy and making fun of the people STILL buying The “Bella Truck” Twilight-themed warmer, but texting her later that night to order one for your mom.

Neutral:

Trying those gut cleaning pills because dammit, those moms of toddlers selling them in your Facebook feed really did lose all that baby weight…

Catty:

Sending 3-5 photos you’ve seen in the last week of friends and their creepy-too-long-to-not-be-covered-in-chemicals (they’re being sued guys) Rodan-and-Fields-eyelashes to your group chat.

Bitchy:

Tagging your bffs in the comments on posts in the “I USED TO PEDDLE LULAROE BUT THEN I REALIZED HOW TERRIBLE IT WAS AND NOW I JUST SHARE LULAROE GOSSIP” Facebook Group where you can easily lose hours of your day just reading about who DeAnne paid to have gastric bypass surgery in Mexico recently (yes, I’m serious).

Ultimate MLM Hater:

Spending your Thursday watching Pearl Parties in Facebook Groups. Ignoring your work. Your Children. And occasionally commenting, “But how do they get to be that color?”

We’ve reached Peak MLM hate with Pearl Parties. It can’t get worse than this.

I don’t think.

What’s a Pearl Party?

Pearl Parties generally work like the following: A Host (or group of hosts) starts a Facebook live video where they open dozens, even hundreds (and more on the 24 hour Oyster-a-Thon parties some of these “companies” are hosting) of oysters to find out what color pearl will be inside. I believe some of the oysters are pre-sold. Others are being sold as the host opens the oysters. Some are given away through spin-the-wheel and Bingo-type games.

People pay anywhere from $20- to hundreds of dollars for their oysters and pearls. There are certain colors that are rare and if you are a lucky one to find a TWIN, you can basically retire on your good luck. Well, if you can retire on approximately $.05, that is.

Here’s an almost 2 hour video to watch in case you’re interested

Pearl Parties are not new

Pearl Parties have existed for years, but were generally thrown in people’s homes, where other women shamefully buy yet another clean edge can opener from Pampered Chef (because they DO occasionally break, ya know?) Facebook has taken pearl parties to a whole other level.

Turns out, as far back as in the 80s, you could buy yourself a pearl just like can see on your Facebook feed RIGHT NOW when you stepped off the Cruise Ship at the port in a resort town in the Caribbean, or anywhere where gullible tourists flock.

So these pearls are crap?

 

Oh yeah, they’re crap. I’ve read stories of people spending $150 for a “rare” pearl only to find out the crappy mass-produced jewelry they got along with the pearl was worth $5 and the pearls were literally worth pennies.

Also, those POOR OYSTERS

 

If you look up “PEARL PARTY SCAM” on Facebook, you’ll find plenty a’ Facebook group to join and enjoy. One of the most popular (Pearl Party Education) answered the question “Are these pearls genuine?”

Yes, but their origin is grossly misrepresented. They are previously harvested from freshwater operations in China. These pearls are re-mass produced by inserting them into one year old akoya oysters, then deceptively marketed as saltwater pearls.

The pearls are worth less than a dollar, many merely a few cents and some may have no value at all. Manufacturers add value by dying them and artificially placing them in hatchery reared saltwater oysters

Oysters are for EATING during Happy Hour, where, after 2 hours have gone by, you wonder how you spent $48 and are still hungry.  They are not for jamming dyed worthless pearls into.

Hate-Watching Pearl Parties

 

Hate watching Pearl Parties is SO.Much.Fun. Just don’t try to comment and ask intelligent questions like, “Where were these oysters harvested?” or “How did the pearl get to BE Lime green?” You’ll get booted, pronto.

And let’s not forget this is an MLM “Business” (not a business) where people are duping, literally, DUPING an audience into thinking they are buying something of value. All in the name of “providing for their family”

Remember our mantra, guys: If it looks too good to be true…then it’s probably an MLM!

Are you on the Pearl Party Hate Watch Band Wagon yet?