EXTERIOR: Helwater Estate. Lord John Gray leads Jamie by a rope (not kinky) to his final destination.
LJG: You thought Ardsmuir was bad… WELCOME TO HELWATER!
Camera pans to show palatial estate and verdant lands and a family that could hate you for your Scottish roots and Catholic faith, the whose daughter will want to bone you (against your will), and you’ll be forced to murder the old man who marries the lady you impregnate and who wants to kill your illegitimate child. Oh, and you live in a barn… with animals.
LJG: Isn’t it great!? Ready to go?
Jamie with hesitation: Seeing as this is enforced indentured servitude and contains many plot points that will become important over the next few seasons, I don’t really have a choice, do I?
LGJ: That’s the spirit! Off you go! Oh, and tell any mouse-y looking daughters with questionable gay-dar, I’ll probably be on the lookout for a beard to join me in a sexless marriage in a few years!
So this is where we find ourselves… at an estate called HELLwater
Top Ten Moments from Outlander 304: Of Lost Things
.
1. The Scooby Gang Is On The Case!
We open up on a scene from SVU: Scotland 1968, complete with string theory board and the Scooby Gang all gathered ’round as Roger tries to piece together a shady timeline for the mom of the girl he wants to bone. Well, it’s been twenty years since you returned Mrs Fraser, FROM TIME TRAVELING THROUGH SOME FREAKING STONES IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, so it stands to reason that Jamie must be alive, twenty years in the future on whatever plane of time he’s living in. Absolutely nothing could go wrong with this plan!
Meanwhile, in a move that all men LOVE, Fiona the housekeeper lets Roger know he should eat one of her scones because he’s too skinny. Cue Mean Girl Brianna tittering across the table as she sees Fiona’s crush a mile away and is totally jealous even though she’s conventionally more attractive and could probably have her way with Roger. It’s more fun to be a catty bitch (tune in to HangOutlander tomorrow at 7PM PT!).
We Noticed That Too: What is written on the Scottish flag in the Wakefield home? It’s shown several times but no amount of Googling has helped. Comment or Tweet me!
.
2. The Ponytail Is Back
Somewhere the saddest trombone is playing. We were treated to two glorious episodes of Jamie’s (Sam’s) natural hair (minus the dun bonnet), all flowing and perfectly coiffed and dirty and YAASSSSS and then BAM, back to reality and back to a haystack tied back into a pig tail with a ribbon. All lady boners everywhere died.
Thanks a lot strict, British code of decorum. You suck.
.
3. The Dunsany Sisters
At HELLwater, the Dunsany fam are just returning from an Italian vacay that, like all Italian vacay’s was too hot and had no AC and Isobel just wanted to come back to cold, pale, Italian men-less England. All the while Geneva looks over the staff with complete boredom and probably rolled her eyes as her sister spoke (we can’t see everything on camera). Geneva would much rather have the Italian men, natch. Later, Jamie pulls the short straw amongst the grooms and must prepare Geneva’s horse for a ride when she yells at him to “hurry up you lazy Scotchmen.” I’m assuming this was essentially the ‘gentle racism’ of the time and we’re reminded Jamie is literally ‘the help’ to most of the Dunsanys and not a person, let alone the hero. She is not supposed to be a very likable character. This is our introduction to the infamous Geneva and it does NOT disappoint.
Isobel on the other hand, is mostly personable but is not in possession of any 18th century gay-dar, as Jamie comes to realize, when Isobel shares just how much she wants to put a ring on Lord John Gray. Girl. Bye.
.
4. Never be friends with a girl like Brianna
Meanwhile back in Scotland, the Mystery Machine has broken down on the side of the road and Fred attempts to repair it while Daphne makes fun of his housekeeper. Bree, ever the catty biotch, and clearly knows (hopes) Roger is into her, tries to suss out Roger’s feeling for her while downgrading poor Fiona. The lesson here is to steer clear of all the Brianna’s in your life.
Eventually, Daphne gets the car running for Fred (always the distributor cap!) and we at least get one point in the WIN column for female empowerment.
.
.
5. Jamie and Geneva learn about consent
For those of us who have read Voyager, many were worried about how this scene would be adapted. Would Jamie continue having sex with Geneva even after she says, “Stop?” Amy wrote an awesome post about this problematic content and how a simple change in language and intent could “fix” the scene. THANKFULLY, Starz listened and we have to give snaps to the writers and crew for updating Voyager and saving us all from having to explain why we like and support a rape-y show to our friends. THANK YOU!!! That said, all props go to Hannah James and Sam Heughan, they are incredible in this scene as Jamie and Geneva: a mix of trepidation, yearning, wistfulness, anger, helplessness and just plain sexiness. Even with a Sophie’s Choice of a situation, they are able to both have agency of body and make the best choice in the worst situation. This is by far one of the hottest sex scenes since season 1… which just put a whole lotta pressure on Jamie and Claire’s reunion. NO PRESSURE, guys.
Yeah we saw that too: THE NIPPLE LICK. DAMN. 4 out of 4 Boozy HangOutlander Wine Glasses (not a thing), would watch again!
Yea we thought that too: If someone like Geneva can be cast for a very small part of Outlander, why can’t someone with those kind of acting chops be found for Brianna? There I said it.
Which leads me too…
.
6. Roger and Bree… Or really Roger > Bree
Coming off of what was an incredibly heartfelt scene between Geneva and Jamie, we are plunked down into a scene with Roger and Bree that is supposed to show us the spark of what’s to come between these two and instead, they have less chemistry than a Trump voter and common sense. Unfortunately, Bree (Sophie Skelton) is the elephant in this episode, every time I watch it, I want to yell at the screen because she’s so unwatchable and yet I’m actually really liking the character of Roger. It feels as though Richard is in a real life version of a behind-the-scenes look at a Fantasy film where you see the actor, acting across from a tennis ball on a stick that will later be replaced, in post, by an amazing 3-D Ogre who lays waste to everyone. In this case the tennis ball on a stick is Sophie and she is never replaced by an super cool Ogre.
It makes you wonder.. if the show progresses like the books and Bree becomes a central character with as large a stake as Claire… how will this play out? Will she drop the wooden, bratty acting or…???
We noticed that too: Did anyone get Virgin Diaries on TLC vibes from Roger and Bree’s first kiss? It was like the same feeling I got watching these two:
7. Daddy Jamie to the Rescue!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that fat, old men in wigs and stockings, and in possession of a great fortune should not be holding knives or shooting guns. Please leave the work to the real men (hired help who happen to be criminals). We find ourselves at the Ellesmere estate where Geneva has died birthing Willie, her illegitimate son with Jamie. Even though Ellesmere seems a little drunk on fine sherry, he knows where babies come from and that in fact his little Ellesmere did NOT end up in Geneva’s Dunsany Waterweed Estate. AT ALL. So, he’s a bit peevish and wants to kill the baby with a fancy looking steak knife. Daddy Jamie is having NONE of that. He lost Faith, Claire went back through the stones with the unborn Bree and he will NOT let Willie meet a similar fate. Nope, hand Jamie the gun, Mr Dunsany cause homie don’t play that.
We noticed that too: Not only is Sam good with weapons, he is REALLY good on a horse… I mean at this point he should be, but there’s something about a man doing something physical really well that is… HOT.
.
8. Don’t Fuck With Grandma
Bang. Ellesmere is dead, Jamie saves the Dunsany’s grandbaby and they all head back to the estate to begin coming up with years worth of terrible jokes about why Willie looks so much like Jamie.
Grandma Dunsany approaches Jamie about Mr Dunsany securing his pardon in thanks for saving their grandson. The moment is so palpable, you can see the excitement of going home on Jamie’s face suddenly drains when he looks down at Willie, remembering how small and innocent he is and then almost cries for the duty he feels called to and his hopes of returning home dashed. Ugh so good. THIS is what keeps us coming back to Outlander, it’s moments like this one, acted well by Sam that remind us why we love this story and on most days, this show. He didn’t bang us over the head with his lines, or oversell the moment, it was all understated and emotional. After what we’ve seen from Sam so far this season, I might actually agree with some of those #EmmyforSam hashtags.
I’ll just leave this here — Daddy Jamie: “You are so wee… donna fash yourself, I am here.” Heart. fucking. squeeze.
.
.
9. American Tourists
Back in ‘68 the Mystery Gang are Leaning In HARD at the local Scottish pub where women aren’t supposed to sit at the bar. Clearly, living in America has rubbed off on Claire and Bree as they’re running around in foreign countries doing WHATEVER THE EF they want while Roger sits by embarrassed. Enjoy our American Privilege, Scotland! We’re sitting at your freakin’ bars and rifling through your historical documents and fixing your cars and drinking your whisky with a Y and you’re gonna LIKE IT!
We noticed that too: Why is Bree calling Claire MAMA, is that a universal thing? Where I grew up, Mama is usually a southern term of endearment in America. And while Bree was born in the states, both her parents are incredibly British.
.
10. Big Mac and Little Willie
While an episode of Supernanny, the Scotland Edition plays and Jamie tans the hide of Willie in the streets of Helwater (deserved), you feel for Jamie, all his children are taken away from him. No Faith, No Bree, No Claire and Willie who will remain at Helwater with Isobel and LJG because all the neighbors are beginning to wonder why he looks so much like Jamie. Actually they’re not really wondering, but they’re doing the proper British upper class thing and not saying it out loud TO THEIR FACES. They all know Geneva went for a roll in the hay with the Groom and Willie’s face proves it.
Maury Povich: Jamie Fraser… you ARE the father.
We Noticed That Too: Jamie and Willy look NOTHING alike. Nice try.
.
10. LJG didn’t NOT like Jamie’s offer
Diana needs to just write a book about two male lovers in 18th century Scotland and get over it. Stop offering Jamie’s body up to any British officer who rides by (all of them) and happens to think he’s hot (all of them). Even Lord John Gray was like, this is a bit much, even I know entrapment when I see it, nice try… but I totally would.
We heard that too: Outlander was clearly trying to pull a Handmaid’s Tale and throw in some contemporary music into a period show and fail miserably. It’s like listening to two contestants from The Voice sing over an episode of PBS’s Pioneer House.
THANK GOD FOR ADAPTED STORIES!!
.
Next week we prepare to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! I mean back to 1760something. See you then! And see you tomorrow for HangOutlander LIVE!
.
