Yes, I’m referring to breasts. Although I appreciate – okay, sometimes appreciate my girls, I absolutely loathe bra shopping. The inconsistent measuring – *coughs*Victoria Secret*coughs* – the searching, the twisting (yes, there’s twisting), the pulling, the tugging, the tucking, and that painful digging of the plastic security device that perfectly stabs that spot on your back that makes you see Jesus for a moment.
For the sake of transparency, let me just state for the record that I have large breasts. Now before you roll your eyes and say, “Okay, bitch. Humble brag,” my breast size has not always been an asset for me. I started developing at a rapid speed at the age of 11. I joke that I never needed a training bra – my boobs were ready to go.
All jokes aside, I hated my breasts. I was 11 years old, still played with dolls and loved my FisherPrice kitchen set, and the thought of a bra made my skin crawl. I did everything to cover them up, flatten them down, and hide them from the world. During the late 90s, I discovered the uniboob about the same time I discovered the shelf bra in Express or Gap camis.
I’m in my 30s, and the struggle is even more so real now: I’ve had backaches; red, painful indentions on my shoulders from bra straps digging into my skin; strapless bras that by the end of the day, become more of a belt than bra; dress sizes that are actually larger because my breasts simply won’t fit. Don’t even get me started on bandeau bras.
When it comes to bra shopping, I have to mentally prepare myself because I know it’s going to be an exhausting time in that Macy’s dressing room. I typically curse my DNA and somehow end up at a Wetzel’s Pretzel stand or at Bath and Body Works with a basket full of 3 wick candles to assuage my pain.
So when I came across an Instagram ad for ThirdLove, I was intrigued. No doubt you’ve seen the ad:
Started in 2013 by Heidi Zak, the company boasts an impressive 59 sizes, which begs the questions, “There’s at least 59 bra sizes?!” The pitch is simple: take a quiz and find the right bra for you. Since I’m a nerd who loves quizzes, I decided to see what all the fuss was about or at least find out why it’s called “ThirdLove.”
Take the Quiz
Did you know that 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size? That means 20% either got it just right or gave up on bras entirely. I’m going with the latter.
Since ThirdLove doesn’t have a physical dressing room with a 20 year old girl who can’t correctly read a measuring tape -*coughs again*Victoria Secret*coughs for real this time because of the horrible air quality in California* – the site makes you take a quick, nine question Fit Finder quiz.
Before you take the quiz, here’s just a bit of advice. Be honest. The first question will be about your breast shape, complete with images. If you’re selecting “round,” but really your boobs are the first to touch your feet when you bend over to tie your shoes, the odds are not going to be in your favor.
Try Before Buying
This is what initially sold me on ThirdLove.
Customers are encouraged to “live in” their TL bras for 30 days. If the ladies are not settling in, you can return the bra before the 30 days are over. The only price you pay is shipping.
The best part of this? If you return a bra during those 30 days, the company donates that garment to charity organizations throughout San Francisco like Dress for Success or local women’s shelters. The company also encourages customers to take those worn bras that haven’t seen the light of day since Barack Obama’s first inauguration and donate them to various organizations.
You don’t see La Perla asking customers to do that with their worn out $500 bras.
The Delivery
Five days after placing my order, my bra arrived along with my Pottery Barn catalog and Ulta customer appreciation coupon. It’s essentially what I think a swag bag in heaven would be like.
I’ll be honest, I tried delicately removing the packaging tape to take an Instagram worthy shot, but my patience was limited and I just chose to realistically rip the tape off like a kid on Christmas morning. However, this time I was getting over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and instead of a Teddy Ruxpin.
First impressions? Amen to that slogan. Second, I’m pretty sure that the charm between my boobs is the Illuminati symbol, which just means I’m one step closer to being besties with Beyonce.
The Verdict
My initial try on was a success – no digging bands into shoulders or cups that runneth over. The bra is definitely comfortable and the fit feels right, which means I aced my quiz and that’s what really matters. However, it’s still too early to tell if this is a bra I’ll keep and try to get on ThirdLove’s future Instagram marketing campaigns. The real test is a full day’s wear, so we’ll see how it holds up. And by holds up, I mean holding up my chest from going south for the winter.
Good luck to my ladies!
