How Screwed Would You Be In A Witch Trial?

If you’re a Harry Potter fan witches are a year-round part of life, but Halloween is when they get the most press. Everyone loves witches now, whether in the form of Hermione or cute kids in makeup at your doorstep looking for candy. But it wasn’t all that long ago that being considered a witch was serious business that got tens of thousands of women killed (experts estimate about 50,000). I’ve been interested in witchcraft for a long time as a women’s issue, since society has always found ways to punish women for existing. If it hadn’t been so violent, it would almost be comical how many things could get women accused of witchcraft. Take a look at a few of them and see how well you’d fare. My guess: not well.

Do you have any marks on your body?

Having a mole or a birthmark was considered a mark of a witch, and women suspected of witchcraft would have all of their body hair removed in order to try and find one. Is there anyone who doesn’t have something like that on their body?

Do you have a pet?

Those marks are the spot where your favorite animal friend would latch onto in order to drink your blood. Look at this unholy hell-beast.

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Do you know how to swim?

One of the ways to determine if someone was a witch was to stick them in a river and see if they would float or not. The innocent would sink, and a witch would float. Buoyed by the devil no doubt. It was actually thought that since witches had rejected baptism by making a pact with Satan the water would reject their body and cause them to float. Stay in school, kids.

Do you have sex?

Women still get a hard time for wanting to have sex, so unsurprisingly it was even worse in the past. Female sexuality was seen as dangerous because it tempted men and that was women’s fault, not the men who were feeling those feelings. A lot of the art depicting witches (most of it made by men) is very overtly sexual, displaying the combination of fascination with and fear of women’s sexuality that led to witchcraft hysteria in the first place.

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Does a man you know have erectile disfunction?

If a women had sex and the man she was with couldn’t get it up, that was her fault. One of the most famous books about finding and executing witches, Malleus Maleficarum, warned that if the male “member” was

Sure, buddy, I’m sure that’s exactly why you sucked in bed. To recap, she-demons of the antichrist having sex was bad, but if they were in a situation where sex wasn’t happening, that was also bad.

Do you have female friends?

We’ve kept it under wraps pretty well, but it looks like the jig is up. It’s time to admit that any time a group of women get together without a man present it’s to have an orgy with Satan. Brunch? Devil orgy. Barre class? 100% DEVIL ORGY.

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Making some sangria and waiting to get it on.

Are you a mouthy bitch?

This one goes without saying. Women who spoke their mind then were ostracized, and they still are now. The only difference is that a few hundred years ago you could be tortured and hanged for it, and today you lose a Presidential election to a squashy Lord Farquaad parody.

Have you forgotten to go grocery shopping?

There were some instances during the Salem Witch Trials of milk and other dairy products that had gone bad in a woman’s home being used as evidence of witchcraft. Literally anything that happens near a woman is her fault.

There were countless other things that got women accused of witchcraft: being old, poor, childless, a woman of color, etc. It’s almost as if no matter what you did, society would find a way to condemn you for it. Oh, how times have changed. Thank Satan we don’t have to deal with that anymore right?!

How did you do? It’s okay, you’re in good company aka pretty much every woman ever.

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