But just because I watch doesn’t mean I’m loving it. To be be honest, Atlanta was the only city that really enthralled me recently. The current season of Orange County is painful, watching Shannon Beador’s marriage collapse and Vicki Gunvalson acting like she doesn’t understand that everyone hates her because she helped a man FAKE CANCER. New York was a snooze, with Bethenny Frankel talking down to everyone and Luann de la Coutness pretending her sham marriage wasn’t about to end as she fell into the bushes (twice). And this season of New Jersey…it’s too soon for me to judge. There is a new woman who is 60ish and wears pigtails. So I’m hopeful.
Dallas? I tried to watch Season One, but I could never get into it. I just remember women with bad makeup bouncing on trampolines talking about Jesus Juice, aka wine. It seemed like a cheap knock-off of other franchises, and nothing about it felt fun. Also, all of their kitchens looked exactly the same. Snooze.
Okay Hear Me Out
I started watching Season Two after the gals on the Bitch Sesh podcast said they could tell from the first episode, they had something.
When it comes to the Housewives, you need “something.” You need a throughline for the season, with actual stakes and drama and “what the ever loving f*ck.” Season Two of Dallas has this. It’s fascinating. It’s compelling. It’s batshit.
You can’t have a good Housewives franchise without a good crop of done-up women that you love and kind of hate at the same time. The cast of Dallas has it all! Glam. Short husbands. Dildo aficionados. Retired cheerleaders. “Christians.” Carny people.
So here are the ladies of “Dallas” and why you should love them and why you should hate. I mean, we loved to hate JR Ewing*, and he would have fit right in with these Dallas bishes.
*Yes, I’m old and watched Dallas with my mom on Friday nights circa 1981.
Brandi
Why we love her: Brandi can put back the booze like it’s her job, which is fine because Brandi has no job and seems a bit lost, which makes me feel sad for her. But then I see how she can chug tequila on a rocking and churning motor boat without once getting the heaves. The ability to not get seasick earns mad respect.
Why we hate her: She thinks waving a black dildo at people and calling it “Sexual Chocolate” is hilarious. Spoiler: it’s not. She also has bad taste in rompers, the baby brother of the beloved jumpsuit.
LeeAnne
Why we love her: This show would not be good without LeeAnne. She’s an angry, angry woman. She has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, and she will knock that angel off with a hair flip right before she throws a glass and threatens to kill you. LeeAnne loves dogs, stirring the pot, and getting a cheap boob job from Groupon. The flesh eating bacteria she contracted came for free.
Why we hate her: She’s a loose canon, and I’m not convinced that if she reads this, that she won’t come and kill me. She will break into my house and in her baritone Texas accent say, “You gonna die,” right before she smothers me with her hot dog costume.
D’Andra
Why we love her: Poor D’Andra has mommy problems that we can all relate to. D’Andra just wants to make her mom proud and bring anti-aging products to the masses, aka the Lord’s work. She also has the best clothes of any housewife, and she will tell you each week who designed her outfits, from Diane von Furstenberg to Target.
Why we hate her: We don’t. If you don’t like D’Andra, I will make LeeAnne cut you.
Cary
Why we love her: Cary sometimes seems like the “every man” of the franchise. She is always in the middle of other people’s crazy. Leanne hates her, which means she’s good people. Good people are to Leanne like holy water is to demons.
Why we hate her: When asked why she spends so much time naked or half-naked, she said without any embarrassment, “My body is a temple.” Um…okay.
Stephanie
Why we love her: We don’t She’s boring.
Source
Why we hate her: She has a swimming pool in the entrance to her home AND SHE COMPLAINS ABOUT IT.
Kameron
Why we love her: Imagine a Valley girl with infected adenoids was swallowing as she talked. That’s what Kameron sounds like. It’s weirdly compelling. Also, she just wants the world to sparkle. Who doesn’t?
Why we hate her: Kam wants to bring pink dog food to the world that sparkles. I assume this can be done using beets. Beets make your shit look like your colon is bleeding. No one wants that for their dog.
