The Scottish hills. The sex scenes that will someday be accompanied by Salt-n-Pepa’s “Whatta Man” or Bruno Mars’ “That’s What I Like” on YouTube. Those moments that you find yourself responding to online recaps with, “Well, actually…”
We’re a week away from Outlander’s third season premiere!
Let’s face it – these past few months of Droughtlander has been our version of preseason training. From trailers to drinking games, fan conventions to a massive media coverage blitz, Starz has been making sure you remember that Outlander exists. Like you would ever forget.
In an effort to prepare myself for the big game – i.e. the season premiere – I watched my own version of game reels. Actually, all I did was just rewatch the second season, and even then I skipped a few episodes – *cough* Prestonpans *cough* – and went straight to any episode that included the following: sex, any slight hint of sex, topless or completely naked Jamie Fraser, Stanley Weber, Stanley Weber cussing in French, Tobias all day everyday, and swan nipples.
Revisiting these episodes reminded me that the past season definitely had its lows – namely a lack of sex in a book that had the nasty in almost every chapter – and its highs – for example, the heart wrenching depiction of Claire’s miscarriage. But I was reminded of something that I had long forgotten. Something that had slipped my memory but came rushing back with such a force, it made me hold my hands high in the air like this emoji:
Jamie Fraser is the reigning king of eye sexting.
It’s been three years since I did a deep dive into the orgasms that Sam Heughan’s stares induce, and I had a lot to catching up to do.
You may be wondering what’s my scientific criteria for determining what makes a JAMMF stance or even a glance worthy of an eye-gasm. First, it has to be that moment that made me pause the television, grab my phone and Google, “Shirtless Sam Heughan.” Second, it must be something I’m willing to erase pictures of beloved family members in an effort to make room for a screenshot on my iPhone. Third, it must inspire me to use the following douche-canoe terminology: “panty dropper,” “panty melter,” “panty burner,” and the ever so classy “ocean spray.” If you click on that link, just know that you’ve been warned.
So, lets have an experiment and see if you can actually get pregnant simply by watching Sam Heughan. Menopause and IUDs be damned.
Here’s more of James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser’s top five eye effs. Get ready to be stared into pure rapture.
5. “Not in Scotland Anymore”
The setting: a brothel and apparently a 18th century MLM Passion Party sex toy demonstration
The subject: Unfortunately, the Bonnie Prince Charlie, but I’ll take it any way I can get it.
Why: Because when a spoiled rich kid wants other people to do his work and he tells you of his plan to win back the throne of Scotland with a straight face, all you can do is stare at him. Plus, fake penises are flying all over the place.
Okay, so this eye-gasm didn’t necessarily originate from a sexually charged moment like we’ve seen in the past. In fact, having Bonnie Prince Gasbag in this scene is like taking your clitoris and submerging it in a freezer for all of eternity.
What eventually saves yourself and your honeypot from permanent cryogenics? This look. The side eye, the forehead wrinkles, the hair that is finally on-point. Photoshop the prince and that decanter out, and easily place yourself with one of those featured toys right in. It’s almost too perfect.
4. “The Hail Mary”
The setting: A boarding house…I think.
The subject: Godfather Claire
Why: She makes Jamie an offer he can’t refuse: killing Black Jack Randall and possibly having sex later.
Who knew that plotting someone’s murder could lead to la petite mort? Quite honestly, if he looked at me like this, I know I would eschew any sense of a moral compass I possess and become his accomplice in any crime he plotted. I would also be his willing accomplice under the sheets if you catch my drift. Don’t judge me.
3. “Through a Glass, Darkly”
The setting: A French loading dock
The subject: The sassenach from the future
Why: Because not once did he break eye contact or blink when he delivered this line, which makes for legendary eye sexing. That added smirk is just foreplay in my opinion.
See the flame in the background? That’s your loins.
2. “Dragonfly in Amber”
The setting: Craig Nu Dun
The subject: Claire and fetus Brianna
Why: Because when you’re about to send your wife back through the stones to her first husband, you want to make sure she forever compares the mind blowing sex she has with you to the milquetoast sex she has with him. That and you want to get one more quickie in before you have to kill some British soldiers.
Did this much anticipated moment match the passion and intensity from the novel? Not really. But when Jamie eye effs like that and then follows up with the real deal, all is forgiven. However, if you really want to make it up to me, just have Jamie whisper “Je Suis Prest” live in my living room. Preferably shirtless.
1. “La Dame Blanche”
The setting: Jared Fraser’s chateau de scheming
The subject: His partner in crime
Why: Because their long awaited coitus was interruptus by a prince with monkey bites on his body and they never got to reach full afterglow until this moment.
It’s eye effs like this that make me, for a brief moment, understand why shippers expound so much energy (see Twitter rants, Reddit theories, faux wedding invitations and registries at Pottery Barn) to prove that these two people have actually stopped using the modesty pouches in real life. Please note the “brief moment” part because reality seeps in about five seconds later, and I understand that they’re just doing their job.
But why is this eye gasm my number one? Why isn’t it the Blue is the Warmest Color sex scene or the first time we saw his face when Claire put her hand in his my top pick?
In my opinion, this is the first time that we saw that Jamie Fraser we all fell in love with: confident, relaxed, ready for round two just to give his unborn child dimples. For the first few episodes, that Jamie – and the sex – wasn’t there. But both returned with vengeance, and with it this stare that should really be in the “Hey, Girl” meme hall of fame.
Je suis prest, Jamie Fraser, and so are my eyes.
What Jamie Fraser eye effs made you experience la petite mort? Let us know!
