Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
If that movie were produced in 2017, the year a sentient clump of fruit rot became President, I’d like to think Crash would add a single line to his speech:
I believe it’s always okay to punch Nazis.
I edited the Indiana Jones punch sound effect into the Richard Spencer video YOU'RE WELCOME pic.twitter.com/hN31k7j7lH
— Ryan Bradford (@theryanbradford) January 22, 2017
America has a white supremacy problem. We’ve always had a white supremacy problem, and we will continue to have one long after HBO does the right thing and decides not to make that ill-conceived David Benioff show, Confederate.
Nazis feel emboldened–embraced even–by the current White House resident, but they and their ilk have always been around. Don’t be shocked; be pissed off. White people are the problem and we are the ones who have to solve it. Smarter women than me have the solution, and getting there will be slow as hell, not because change shouldn’t happen overnight but because I grew up in the South and I have no illusions about how deep racism runs.
Nazis, the Klan, and Stephen Miller should be kicked out of the public sphere. Come together? I didn’t come together with that cancerous melanoma on my back. I had it cut off my body. White supremacy is a disease and we should kick it in the ass literally. I am one of those people who think it’s always okay to punch a Nazi. Of course, I don’t recommend you approach actual Nazis if you can avoid it. If you created a Venn diagram of Nazis and zealous, camo LARPing gun nuts, you would have close to a perfect circle. A solar eclipse of awful, if you will. Punching a Nazi is not worth getting injured or shot and feeling the flesh of Kid Rock fuckboys, so instead, here are some things you can watch to get some satisfaction in between real action items like registering people to vote, telling family members their casual racism will not be tolerated, or running for office.
Inglourious Basterds
Why watch: This 2009 Quentin Tarantino film is about one thing and one thing only: killin’ Nazis.
Do you enjoy Nazis having their brains bashed in with a baseball bat, as a US soldier pretends he’s hitting a home-run out of Fenway? Do you appreciate a good scalping if a Nazi is the one losing his scalp? Do you like to see hundreds of Nazis immolated in movie theater? Do you want to know the difference between the German and the English three? This is a movie for you. Also, Michael Fassbender.
Nazi ain’t got no humanity. They’re the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin’, mass murderin’ maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That’s why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin’ a Nazi uniform, they’re gonna die.
Band of Brothers
Why watch: You need a good binge watch after The Handmaid’s Tale in which it’s definitive that the good guys won.
This 8 episode HBO mini-series tells the story of Easy Company, part of the Army’s 101st Airborn Division. What was the first role of combat for this parachute infantry regiment? To jump into Normandy and kill Nazis. Also, Damian Lewis.
Kitty’s gonna love this. How many brides get a wedding gift from Hitler?
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Why watch: Some people think this movie is about archaeology and adventure, but it’s really a love story. And the best part of any love story is dead Nazis.
Most Nazi death involves bullets, knives, or bombs. But in Raiders, the Almighty Lord melts their faces off. Ouchie.
Marion: You’re not the man I knew ten years ago.
Indiana: It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage.
What are your favorite movies in which Nazis meet a very bad end?
Inglourious Basterds is streaming on Netflix.
Band of Brothers is streaming on HBO GO.
Raiders of the Lost Ark is streaming on Hulu.
