However, there is one type of speech pattern that drives me batty. And that type of speech is baby talk.
Baby talk is grating, and it’s passive aggressive. Am I baby? Not since 1975. Baby talk assumes the listener is dumb and finds scolding to be a great motivator. It’s not. If you do like it, it’s a sex thing and you should keep your cuck proclivities to private quarters.
What’s crazy to me is that a major bank—Capital One—is using baby talk in marketing one of its products, and they have found a willing spokesperson to “you silly willy” us in Jennifer Garner.
What’s In My Wallet? A Knuckle Sandwich
When Jen Garner isn’t playing the mom in movies like “Worst Day Ever for the Wimpy Kid with a Brain Disease,” she has become the go-to spokesperson for Neutrogena skin care and the Capital One Venture travel card. Garner is wholesome in her honey highlights, and like your neighborhood Bunko organizer Katee, her every comment has an “I’m judging you” note to it. “Did you wear Neutrogena sunscreen or do you just not care about skin cancer and sticking around to be a mother your children?”
“Poor baby! Did you not get double miles with Capital One when you bought those pizza leggings on Lularoe?”
“I limit my kids’ screen time to 8 minutes a day. We have this adorable faux-antique egg timer I got at the Silos.”
“Does your mommy give you non-organic milk? I’ll talk to her, sweetie.”
“Oh no, I don’t send Quadrophenia and Viola to public school because they serve GMO foods in the cafeteria.”
“Did you hear who also has a Capital One card? Joel Osteen! I wuv him. Airline miles are such a blessing.”
In her ads, Garner blinks and purses her lips, and then she talks to us like we’re Ferris Bueller and she’s the stripper sent to cheer us up. I hate it.
Come Fly the Fwiendly Skies with Mommy
Garner’s Venture card commercials always have a sense of danger to them. Garner snorts meth and then she accosts people in Terminal 3 at JFK. Airports are already terrible, and some know-it-all white lady in a Banana Republic shift is gonna baby-talk me about my airline miles? I will cut you in front of Cinnabon, lady.
https://youtu.be/frowmTHKihE
“You know’s what’s unfortunate? Besides your not getting double miles when you bought that sad Pepto cardigan. What’s unfortunate is that I spent 2 hours working on this mermaid hair and by the time I land at LAX, it’s going to be limp! No fair!”
https://youtu.be/1nuiTGxWk0c
“See? I’m regular gal just like you! I have a dad! I came from sperm. And my dad likes miles. And my dad likes my mom. Because he had sex with her.”
https://youtu.be/YtPr0j3SwJc
“It’s so hard to book that flight you want! Like, so hard! But I’m a mom with dimples who knows how to tilt her head at the most disdainful-yet-perky angle, and I can tell you there is a better way!” <insert the exasperated sigh I used to give Ben before he left me>
https://youtu.be/rqIICpNbaqI
You invite me to coffee to “give it to me straight.” You baby talk me over a soy latte. “Sewiouswy. Think of all the the stuff wuffy you buy!” The gal opposite Garner is like, “Bitch, is this why you asked me to coffee?”
Is this MLM? Is Capital One a pyramid scheme? Is “What’s in your wallet?” the new “Have you tried Rodin + Fields?” I’d like to reclaim my time, Jennifer.
https://youtu.be/c0LDNIjWe4E
“Are you a ginger having to travel for business? Well, I’ve got Ben Affleck money, so I don’t have a regular day job and don’t know what it’s like to fly coach on an expense report budget. But let me fold my arms while I judge you for being a peasant who isn’t getting double miles on those Lauren Conrad clothes you buy at Kohl’s.”
I’m Never Wever Getting This Card
I have travel/airline cards with Southwest, United, and American. They work fine for me. Southwest sends me drink tickets. The United card means I get to board in position 6 instead of position 71. And with the American card, I usually have enough points to fly myself and my daughter home to South Carolina for Christmas.
And not once have any of these cards ever baby talked at me. The Capital One card could promise to teleport me to my destination Star Trek style, and I still wouldn’t get it. Not only do I not want your product, I have started to hate it. Ask the Trivago guy how much business they get from me.
