I hate the Trivago guy.
I never liked this salt/pepper weasel as he tried to help me save money when booking my hotel online. He always gave off a shady vibe. I kept waiting for him to call me “Sweetie.” Sure, he is less annoying than Shatner and that Kally Cocoa girl on those Priceline ads.
But then this commercial came out.
“I need Trivago because my girlfriend found out I was addicted to Hentai and piss porn.”
Ew, Trivago guy. You nasty.
Listen for my sincere query for society at the end. pic.twitter.com/SS2m8DG2q3
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) October 18, 2016
TRIVA-NO
I hate the Trivago guy so much that I have come up with an entire backstory for this douchecanoe. Like, I’m obsessed with my hatred of him. Of course, I will never use Trivago because I refuse to patronize a company that thinks this guy is compelling at selling.
Mr. Derek William Trivago
The Trivago guy’s name is Derek.
He majored in Business at a Big Ten school. Probably Michigan State.
He tells women he lives in Chicago, when he really lives in Niles, Illinois. IT’S NOT THE SAME.
He always ask the bartender, “What interesting IPAs do you have on draft?”
Derek thinks he looks like a cross between Anderson Cooper and George W. Bush.
Derek voted for Trump/Pence in November because he thinks Melania is hot and also because of “Killary’s emails.”
He insists on calling Caitlyn Jenner “Bruce”.
His job involves selling “cloud solutions to the enterprise.”
He thinks that it’s really hard to be a white male in America these days.
He only wears Calvin Klein boxer/briefs.
His favorite brand of clothing is Tommy Bahama.
He quotes Happy Gilmore in nearly every business meeting.
His favorite movie is The Shawshank Redemption and he watches it every time it comes on TNT.
Derek’s favorite place to vacation? Las Vegas.
His favorite author is Clive Cussler.
He thought La La Land was robbed at the Oscars.
He loves NCIS and the Velocity channel. He has never watched Scandal because that “is a show for chicks.”
His has a black leather couch with built-in recliners and drink holders.
He likes P90X because Paul Ryan likes P90X.
He manscapes but not so much that he looks “like a twink.”
Derek has been to a Hedonism resort. Twice.
