I uttered this more than once on Sunday night, watching the Golden Globes red carpet. For every two good dresses, there was a bad one.
Who made your dress?
The House of Unfortch.
People lie all the time. I lie. My second grader lies. The PEOTUS lies. Stylists are no different. Yes, Nicole. Guiliana and company are gonna flove this dress because it’s such a risk.
That’s the fun of awards season. Some of you like MMA for entertainment. Me? Give me the fashion disasters.
Here are my fave flubs from the 2017 GGs:
Nicole Kidman
Is this dress an ode to the Great Wave of Kanawaga? Not since I was stuck on the Mass Pike at Thanksgiving in 2005 have I seen something this busy. The only thing missing from this Alexander McQueen is the word JUICY sewn on the ass. And I don’t typically believe in fashion rules by age, but this hairstyle only looks good on first graders. Even second graders age out of this style.
Extra deduction for adding annoying fashion accessory, Reese Witherspoon. My dress is yellow, y’all!
Sophia Vergara
While the open heart surgery dress was very on trend, Sophia went a little more modest in this gall bladder surgery dress. Instead of splayed bewbs, she crammed hers together. This dress looks even more trashy knowing Sophia was wearing it to make an anal sex joke in front of Sly Stallone’s teenager daughters.
Jessica Chastain
First, the straps. I would be tugging on those all night long. Second, the color. It looks dated, and not in a chic retro way. Third, the embroidery. You guys know I love needlepoint but the color of the Prada dress plus the flowers looks like this get-up was designed in my grandma’s Sunday School class. I’m putting Jessica on my prayer list because this dress is wretched.
Also, don’t raid the Sally Beauty Supply on La Cienega Boulveard for your fake braids.
Anna Chlumsky
Anna is suffering needlessly from Wonky Tits. A good foundation garment could fix this.
Emily Ratajkowski
The dress is fine. I mean, it’s meant to be zexy. You can relax, Emily. You are zo zo zexy. Your vagina is still there. Yes, horny men are thinking about it when you make this zexy puss face in every single picture.
Felicity Jones
Have you ever had your boyfriend trim his pubes over an open bottle of Pepto Bismol? Same. That’s the inspiration for this Gucci dress. G-EW-cci.
Sophie Turner
The good thing about sewing the armpit of this Louis Vuitton so low is that you don’t have to worry about pit stains. So…winning?
Caitriona Balfe
Claire Randall/Fraser made a special request to her stylist. I want to emphasize my hips. And I also want to move them 4 inches higher. Cool? Cool.
Sarah Jessica Parker
When wearing a custom Vera Wang that consumes your tiny frame, make sure to wear an extra big fake braids and raccoon eyeliner. That way, I have three things to dislike.
Is that hair or the tapeworm you ingested to stay thin? Either way, it’s a yuck.
PALETTE CLEANSER
This dress is PERFECTION. Natalie Portman giving us an homage to Oleg Cassini/1963 in this Prada is a vision. Also, go see Jackie. Best movie I have seen all year. It will ruin you, and we could all use a good ruining right about now.
