If you don’t have friends online dating right now, you’re missing out on the most horrific, hilarious, satisfying, “sits on couch and eats popcorn enjoying the stories” moments life has to offer.
From Bumble to Tinder to OK Cupid to Coffee Meets Bagel, the opportunities for ghosting, FaceTime requests after 5 minutes of texting and deep, soul-satisfying questions like “What’s your favorite position?” are endless.
Inspired by the worst Holiday song and every friend I know attempting to find their “modern love” story today, I bring you:
The 12 Dates of Christmas
On the first date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Emotional unavailability
On the second date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Two unwanted dick pics
And emotional unavailability.
On the third date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the fourth date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the fifth date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the sixth date of Christmas, my online match gave to me: Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the seventh date of Christmas, my online match gave to me: Seven sloppy kisses
Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the eighth date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Eight reasons to stay home
Seven sloppy kisses
Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the ninth date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Nine requests for nudes
Eight reasons to stay home
Seven sloppy kisses
Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the tenth date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Ten tales from Crossfit
Nine requests for nudes
Eight reasons to stay home
Seven sloppy kisses
Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the eleventh date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Eleven “Lols”
Ten tales from Crossfit
Nine requests for nudes
Eight reasons to stay home
Seven sloppy kisses
Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
On the twelfth date of Christmas my online match gave to me: Twelve drunk sleepovers
Eleven “Lols”
Ten tales from Crossfit
Nine requests for nudes
Eight reasons to stay home
Seven sloppy kisses
Six unanswered texts
Five days of silence
Four thumbs up emojis
Three other girls he’s seeing
Two unwanted dick pics
And Emotional unavailability
Please share your best online dating story in the comments because I can’t get enough. Thanks to all my single and married lady friends for helping to write this post. Four Thumbs Up Emojis coming your way!
