But Canada, I forgive you for your all your trespasses and those to come. Why? Two words: Nick. Bateman.
As the shirtless Mountie in my Canadian fantasies, Nick Bateman is perhaps the greatest gift that you have given us, Canada, and that’s even counting your hot Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. In fact, I’m completely convinced that more people would support universal healthcare if you just show a picture of Nick Bateman accompanied with the caption, “This is What Universal Healthcare Looks Like.” All those threats I made to my family about moving to Canada after the Presidential election? Just looking at Nick Bateman’s Instagram makes that threat a promise.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BJyD0vzA3HW/?hl=en
You may be asking yourself, “Who the hell is Nick Bateman?” If you are, you are clearly not one of his 5.8 million followers on Instagram. I first heard of the model/actor/man who makes me believe in a higher power a few years ago when several of my Goodreads discussion groups blew up about Colleen Hoover’s Ugly Love big screen adaptation. Quite honestly, I didn’t read Ugly Love and had no idea what it was about. But then I saw the trailer, which stars Nick Bateman and his back muscles. That’s right: there’s a trailer for a movie that’s not even in pre-production. Who cares when he is dressed as a pilot, successfully completing Julie sex fantasy #4: spooning in the cockpit.
Since I didn’t give you a gift that doesn’t suck idea, I thought I would give you the gift of Nick Bateman. It totally blows that half eaten tin canister of popcorn that you got at your office’s Secret Santa exchange out of the water. Merry Christmas.
His Nemesis? Shirts
To say to Nick Bateman (and yes, I will always refer to him by his first and last name because that’s how powerful his sex appeal is) “No shoes, no shirt, no service” should be a deadly sin. The abs, the on-ramp to his own Zamboni, the perfectly symmetrical nipples. It is clear that being shirtless is Nick Bateman’s version of a power suit.
Whether it is caring for animals…
…being a manny…
…or building a snowman in what appears to be 30 degrees below zero…
…apparently having to wear a shirt will only hinder his abilities or render him incapacitated.
Puppy Love
Is there anything hotter than a shirtless man with washboard abs and a perfectly trimmed five o’clock shadow at all times of the day? Um, yes if that shirtless man with washboard abs and a perfectly trimmed five o’clock shadow is posing with a dog. Trolling Scrolling through Nick Bateman’s Instagram posts is like looking through a calendar for Yorkie lovers.
January
April
October
Um, Nick Bateman, if you’re reading this, there’s someone else who has a Yorkie. Spoiler alert: it’s me.
If you wanted to have a dog play date, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. I also wouldn’t be offended if you were going to be shirtless. Just a warning, my dog likes to cuddle and put her head on your chest or nip at your earlobe, so she may want to do that. Also, “my dog” is really me.
Because He’s Just Like Us
Even hot men have to go to ugly Christmas sweater parties. Of course, when Nick Bateman puts on an ugly Christmas sweater, it ceases to become ug…okay. It’s still ugly. Funny, but still ugly.
My Exploding Ovaries Sponsored by Lens Crafters
Um, glasses, a white button down shirt, and a sweater draped over the shoulders? If this isn’t Ivy League porn, I don’t know what is.
To be fair to the dog, if he was wearing those glasses in bed, I wouldn’t get off his chest either. Smart dog.
To all of you out there, have a wonderful holiday! And if this time of year is filled with stress and annoyance rather joy and spirit, just remember: Nick Bateman is somewhere out there, shirtless with a dog on his chest.
