Chapter Three In One Paragraph
Flora is still missing. Matt and Shelby find a set of twins breastfeeding on a dead pig. The word Croatoan gets thrown around a lot. Mason is SUPER pissed with Lee, but that’s OK, because he’s not long for this world. Poor Mason ends up a crispy corpse. Enter Cricket (Leslie Jordan), a medium who finds lost children. Cricket sets up a meeting with the Butcher (Kathy Bates) and we find out about her back story. It’s bloody. Hence the name the Butcher. Matt makes a deal with Cricket and The Butcher that if Flora is returned to them, they’ll leave the house and burn it down. Shelby’s a might bit pissed about that, so she runs after Matt to confront him on his heavy handiness. Sadly, Matt is found banging Lady Gaga in the woods. Shelby retaliates by having Lee arrested and we end the episode with Matt and Shelby arguing.
All caught up? Good.
Chapter Four aka WHY THE F@$% HAVEN”T YOU MOVED?!?
Chapter Four starts out right where we left off with Matt and Shelby fighting. Shelby is supes pissed about Matt having a little tryst in the woods with the wood nymph looking Lady Gaga. But honestly Shelby, think about it. Your brother in law was just found burned to death, you have a medium there talking with ghosts, and you know some scary, not cool shit has been going down. You really think your dude is going to stop in the middle of the shit storm and get it on with some crazy looking woman in the middle of the woods? Those same woods where you yourself had witnessed human sacrifices? I would have assumed that was some crazy vision or someone was hurting my man. Either way, Matt doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’s cool with a couple of rednecks jerking it while he’s publicly cheating on his wife.
So, after making up with Matt, Shelby decided it’s a good time to take a bath. She’s wrong. It’s actually the perfect time for them to LEAVE! Because of course, when she pulls back the curtain on the tub, there stands the Pig Man. That little piggy wants to kill her. Whilst screaming through the house, Shelby and Matt meet up with Dr. Elias Cunningham (Dennis O’Hare). You remember Dr. Cunningham, he was the guy who wanted to write a book about the house and filmed his thoughts and confrontation of the house.
Well, he stepped in to save the day with a very interesting word: Croatoan. Remember that word? That was the one Violet tried to use in AHS Season One. Didn’t work for her, but it did work for the good doctor.
The History of The Land
Dr. Cunningham proceeds to scare whatever sense is still in Shelby and Matt by going through his timeline of horrors for the house and its land. What’s pretty cool is that right before I watched this episode, I watched this YouTube video that had the ultimate timeline of all the AHS seasons.
Back to the doctor’s history lesson; he explains that for six days in October during the “Dying Grass Moon” anyone who is in the house or on the land is basically horribly murdered by the spirits of the previous occupants. And guess what time it is? Yup, you guessed it. Dying Grass Moon time, aka MOVING TIME. But no, our steadfast idiots won’t leave without Flora. *sigh*
Priscilla’s Play Group of Horrors
Elias takes Shelby and Matt out into the woods to find Priscilla’s favorite hangout. They found Flora but unfortunately also found a bunch of dead people who like killing living people. Elias gets shot with a couple of bows, Priscilla takes off with Flora, and Matt and Shelby run right back into the house.
Lucky for them, Cricket is there. He assures them that Flora is still alive. But they’re pretty much screwed because they didn’t keep up their end of the bargain with the Butcher. Cricket heads out into the woods at night to try and talk things out again and get more information. Well, he got a lot of info, that was for sure.
Lady Gaga Rocks the Pagan Look
Instead of the Butcher, he meets up with Gaga in all of her horny splendor. I meant that horny to be both literal and figurative. She’s wearing the top of some creature’s skull with short antlers, and she’s feeling kind of…lonely. So Cricket makes a deal with her, she can have Matt if she talks with him.
She does one better and takes Cricket to where is all began and shows him the past. This is where we learn several things. First, the Butcher killed Priscilla as an offering and that Wes Bentley cannot speak in an accent. Or really act well. I know I may get hate on this, but his entire scene in the hut with Kathy Bates was terrible. My actual notes I made while watching it the first time: The accents on this show are horrible. Like a Jamaican person and an Amish person got into a fight with a linguist.
But he was definitely not my favorite in Hotel either. I thought his acting then was very flat. Basically, I just wanted to see more Matt Bomer.
So, the Butcher murders her entire colony, including his son (who also looks a lot like Edward Mordrake from Freak Show). After killing everyone, the Butcher then invites Gaga to slit her throat as well so that the colonists are under her control forever. Such a sweet lady.
Cricket’s Plan is short lived
Cricket says that he can fix everything with a spell that Gaga showed him, but he needs to go to his hotel first. It’s not a shocker that he never makes it there, is it?
While Shelby is sleeping, Matt goes on a walkabout and meets up with Gaga. She proceeds to seduce him and tell him her story. She stowed away to the New World and was caught. They planned on burning her at the stake as a witch, but she killed her jailors and peaced out. In the middle of that Shelby goes outside to see the colonists hanging out with Flora.
Priscilla gets Flora away from the Butcher and then the Butcher sets her sights on Cricket. Poor, poor Cricket. He gets disemboweled by the Butcher’s son. While he’s alive. Matt said, “Her message was clear. We’re next”.
Come on now Matt, that’s pretty much been the message she’s been delivering since you bought the damn house to begin with, amiright?
So, that was Chapter Four
This is a long post, I know, but A LOT of things happened in this episode. I can’t wait till next week. Here’s a quick list of things I want to find out in Chapter Five:
- Lady Gaga’s name
- Where the hell Evan Peters is
- What the hell Matt and Shelby are going to do now
- That I’m right and Elias was already dead
- Who thought those accents were a good idea
Till next week y’all, stay spooky!
