What’s the hottest fashion accessory for fall? Walking pneumonia. And I’m a trendsetter. (Cough, cough).
If you follow me on Twitter, you might have heard. I got the diabeetus walking pneumonia. And then Hillary Clinton came down with the exact same thing. Stop copying me, Hills!
The worst part of walking pneumonia? You start singing, “I got the walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu.” NON STOP!
So fun story. At a recent tennis tournament, I injured something in my shoulder and chest while playing singles, going for an overhead I had no business going for. I am 42 and not Roger Federer. My crazier shots end on more “ows” than “ohhhhhs!”
Unable to fully breathe due to fuckfuckfuck pain, I found myself in the emergency room. I got X-rays and warm blankets and ginger ale and Lorna Doones.
Them: “Your collarbone and ribs are fine.”
Me: “Great.”
Them: “But we see something odd on your lungs.”
Me: “If I had to play tennis to find out I have cancer, I’m going to be hella pissed.”
Relax, Amy. Not cancer! Just a bout of walking pneumonia.
I had been feeling a little bit puny, with a cough that I thought was coming from post-nasal drip and allergies. “Post-nasal drip” is the new “moist.”
Walking pneumonia sucks, and it’s also misnamed. They should call it narcolepsy pneumonia, because at any moment you might nod off. I’ve slept in my kitchen, at my desk, and on the floor of my bathroom (I have heated floors. So inviting). Walking pneumonia ruins you.
My pneumonia turned into bronchitis. Oh, asthma, the gift that keeps on giving. What did I get? Two weeks of prednisone. One bruised rib. Rock hard abs. Sleeping upright at a 90 degree angle. Cleaning my house at 3 AM. It’s a party minus the fun and cocktails. Unless you consider hydrocodone syrup to be a cocktail.
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Pneumonia is hot!
Always on trend, Hillary threw some bacteria into her pulmonary systems, developing her own case of walking pneumonia. **Dear mansplainers, I don’t care if this is not how pneumonia actually works.
“Secretary Clinton has been experiencing a cough related to allergies… On Friday, during follow up evaluation of her prolonged cough, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. She was put on antibiotics, and advised to rest and modify her schedule. While at this morning’s event, she became overheated and dehydrated. I have just examined her and she is now re-hydrated and recovering nicely.” – Clinton physician Lisa R. Bardack
Walking pneumonia doing what walking does, Hillary sorta fainted/stumbled getting into her van after an event to remember September 11th. Republicans — some of whom have conspiracy theories that she is suffering from a mix of Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, and brain fever — acted as you would expect them to:
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You can’t treat Hillary as you have since 1992 and then ask for the woman to provide you with her pneumonia’s birth certificate. Get off her jock. She is suffering from an illness that saps your stamina. She ain’t got time for your bullshit.
This is the first time Republicans have cared about a woman’s health.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 11, 2016
Think about how many hands Hillary has to touch on the campaign trail. Germs! Then you get sick and have to stand in the 80 degree heat while wearing a pantsuit and a Kevlar vest. I’d pass out, too. She could have called in sick.
She could have said, “I can’t make it.” But Hillary is a tough woman, and women rarely get to take the day off. We soldier on while enduring numpties who talk about how we are the weaker sex.
Enjoy this poem I wrote:
Sure, one candidate is a racist authoritarian, but the other didn’t immediately tell the press she was on antibiotics. So they’re the same.
— Ian Millhiser (@imillhiser) September 13, 2016
So, Hillary. You relax. If you need some good shows to binge watch while you rest, That’s Normal has you covered. My pics? The Americans. Catastrophe. You’re the Worst. I hope you enjoy your mini-forced vacation as much as you and Bill enjoy balloons.
Have you tried the latest fall trend? How is walking pneumonia treating you? What are your dreams like when you chug that purple drank? What pairs best with Doxcycline?
