Pig Roasts
The beginning of the episode starts right where the season opener left off. With Shelby staring into the eyes of a freshly scalped man. Seeing that bulging red brain reminded me of that terrible scene in Hannibal, anyone else?
Sometimes it’s not the fear that I have to process with this show, but it’s the anger that I have towards the characters for being so stupid. Like when Shelby watches a man with a severed pig’s head rammed on his noggin get set on fire and then decides: “NO THEY WILL NOT SCARE US OFF!” Uh, maybe I’m a lesser lady because that shit would have scared me off. That would have scared me to the other side of the planet.
Flora, Priscilla, and the reason why kids are the worst
So in the midst of being terrorized by some backwards hillbillies, Lee decides it’s cool to have her daughter come stay the weekend. Enter Flora. Flora, an adorable little girl who apparently has a bad habit of playing hide-and-go-seek with people, without telling them that they are playing. Not the kind of kid I would take to a giant spooky house in the middle of a turf war with a group of crazies who have a weird obsession with pigs. But Lee did that. So can we be surprised that little Flora is having conversations with an unknown person/spirit/thing? No, we can’t.
Later on in the episode little Flora is found hiding under the staircase in Harry Potter’s old room, talking with her BFF Priscilla again. What were they chatting about? Oh, you know. Sports, homework, dolls, how Priscilla is going to kill everyone but save Flora for last. That Priscilla. So thoughtful.
This is why kids are the worst. They just throw it out there, don’t they. No bigs friends, I’m gonna murder you all. Hope that’s cool.
Sign Number Two That It’s Time To Move
Ok, so the skinned pig did nothing for you. The hastily set up strings of stick men spooked you but damn it, you’re staying. But when your wife ran from the house saying she’s never spending another day in it, you were bummed out enough to half-heartedly offer to move. GOOD JOB! But then you’re wife decides you all are gonna stay for fight for your home.
Alright, alright, alright, I get it. You sunk all your money into that hell home. But you know what? You can make more money. That’s why when Matt had the “dream” about the two nurses happily torturing and then murdering a little old lady and spray painting an ‘M’ on the wall, I feel like that would have been a good time to peace out. But poor Matt, he’s worried he might be having neurological issues from getting jumped back in L.A.. No, Matt, your house wants to kill you.
Life Tip Number Three: Never Buy ‘As-Is’
I haven’t spent the last twenty years watching Judge Judy for nothing. You never, ever, buy anything ‘As-Is’ that you can’t afford to walk away from. Ever. Maybe if Matt and Shelby were as diligent about watching Judy as Shelby is about buying oversized sweaters, she’d know about that little rule.
After being lured outside by a young girl in…old timey clothes (I have no idea what she was wearing and/or what time period it would be from. All I know is there was talk of a bonnet. So imagine a girl wearing clothes that would match a bonnet. Hope that helps. #SorryNotSorry), Matt and Shelby find a root cellar in their back yard. So they open it. Like idiots. Then they go down into the cellar like assholes. Then they proceed to watch a video that they found in an old school video camera. You know it’s not going to be a happy family film, right? Of course. It’s this dude talking about how (long story short) the house is SUPER freaking haunted and might also house a demon, because there is some BAD ju-ju in there.
That’s when Shelby and Matt finally both agree and decide it’s time to get rid of the house. Oh wait, they bought it ‘as-is’. Whoops. For some stupid reason they decide not to sell it to the rednecks that wanted it, so they’re just going to stick it out? How did they think that was going to end for them?
I’ll tell you how it ended, with Flora missing and Lee probably getting arrested. You see, Lee decided to kidnap her daughter and bring her back to the house. Because two ghostly convos aren’t enough to make you want to keep that kid away from the house. No, Lee brings her back and then takes her eyes off of her child. Now she’s missing. Good job Lee. You’re totally not going to jail.
My Predictions
OK, I think either the inbred rednecks are ghosts from another time period and why it’s so hard to find a trace of them, or they’re trying to protect Shelby and Matt in their own backwards hillbilly way. Also, I’m mulling over whether it’s possible for the Shelby and Matt narraters to be the actors. My idea is this: the Shelby and Matt narraters are just telling the true story of Matt and Shelby as it’s reported to the police (or maybe they made their own tape and left it behind?). I don’t know, I don’t think that makes sense, but I feel a big twist there.
My very last thought, and maybe someone can answer this because I was too busy ignoring the TV during this super scary part, but how the hell did the video camera end up BACK in the cellar? Did the ghost put it back? Why?
Send help, because I NEED to know.
